Back Under Control

Dear Friends and Family,

After neglecting essentially everything for the summer, I feel like my life has some semblance of control again. My email inbox is back to five unanswered emails. I paper pile is under an inch tall and I know what is in it. My calendar is up to date. The kitchen island is clear.

How did I let the summer happen to me? I know where a lot of the summer went. A lot of the summer went to planning our vacation. The rest of the summer went to walking. And, a piece went to playing with P and solving her eczema. Was it all worth it? I guess. But, I'm glad to be back in control of my life again.

Time to get ready for my day.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: Mr. mouse and I had a second night of crepes and wine. I've decided I like crepes and wine for dessert.

09.28.15: Strip, Wash, Paint, Apply Second Coat

Dear Friends and Family,

Mr. mouse apologized on Saturday morning and it was enough to get us through the day. We had it out Saturday night and tried to make amends last night. I'm calm enough to go forward with whatever it is we have now. I feel like each time we fight something more dies in the relationship, but like a plant that limps along, I don't have the heart to throw it out until the last leaf has withered and fallen.

We used Saturday to take on a project we had delayed forever. We repainted the stairs in front of our house. This involved stripping off the old paint, cleaning the stairs, and then applying two coats of new paint. It looks amazing, like a giant multi-tiered chocolate cake. I can't wait for it to be fully dried/cured.

And, now it's Monday. I've got a pile of papers I need to get through.


Cheers!
mouse

Butterflies and Sunshine and Wild Flowers

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I had coffee with an amazing friend who reminded me that there is so much good in the world if we just open our eyes and look around. The weather was great. I caught three buses in a row to make it home in record time after coffee. And, I had a great time last night when we got to visit P's classroom.

See. I did find something positive to write about.

Last night I asked Mr. mouse if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Nope. Really? Nope? Are you sure? Yep. Nothing constructive to say right now.

What am I feeling right now? I feel like I was lied to. I feel like trust was broken. I feel like he's not sorry he was caught in a lie. I feel like he's annoyed that I'm making an issue of this. If only I didn't care about trust and feeling taken advantage of then this wouldn't be an issue and we could move on like nothing happened. Well, I can't move on. I'm sorry. When I get to this point, there is no moving on like nothing happened.

It makes me question lots of things. And, honestly, P is such a big part of it. If it were just the two of us, I feel like I would move on and potentially out. We could split the assets and both continue to find our paths in life. But, with P the picture changes in ways I can't really get my arms around. I can't imagine what it would do to her, emotionally, if her mom and dad split up. I do know it will impact her financially. And, statistics say it isn't just the immediate financial hit, it puts her in a different bucket altogether where the odds just aren't as much in her favor anymore. But, I also hate the idea of her watching what we have and concluding that this is what a successful marriage looks like because it isn't. This isn't it. And if this is what she has in the future, I will be a little sad for her. There is a part of me that wants her to see two happy adults because she can learn a lot from that happiness too.

I guess for now I have one decision with three choices I need to wrap my head around. I can do nothing. I can try to fix the relationship. I can decide the relationship is not worth fixing and essentially end it. I think I will take the Buddhist route and wait until the right answer feels right. I do know one thing, I will not try to fix anything until Mr. mouse makes an active effort to acknowledge what happened and to address it. But, I know he won't unless I prompt him to. And, honestly, after last night I have no desire to prompt him to. So, in reality, fixing the relationship is not a real option. That leaves do nothing and walking away. Lots to think about.


Cheers!
mouse

Round the Block Again

Dear Friends and Family,

Sometimes you go around the block and notice new things and wonder how it is you never noticed them before. And, sometimes you go around the block and wonder why you even bothered. And, sometimes you go around the block even if you don't want to because you're along for the ride.

Mr. mouse and I are going around the same old tired block again. I am so tired of it. I am so very tired. I am too tired to be angry. I am too tired to care. I am too tired to want to try and fix it. I am too tired. Or perhaps I am too smart. I am too smart to be angry. I am too smart to care. I am too smart to want to try and fix it. I am too smart. Because this isn't the first time we've been around this block. And, I've concluded this won't be the last time. We'll be around this block again.

I can't pinpoint the event, but sometime in the last six years Mr. mouse seems to have lost all respect for me. I am no longer logical. I am not a good decision maker. I am not a good listener. I am not a good speaker. He doesn't care if he hurts my feelings. He doesn't care if I get angry. He's always exasperated with me.

I'm done trying to force a grown adult to respect and love me. I'm done trying to show I am worthy of love and respect. I shouldn't need to convince someone I am worthy of love and respect. I feel done. Because sometime in the last six years I've lost reciprocating the love and respect that was the bedrock of our relationship. I'm not sure if it is because I am too tired or it is because I am too smart. Or perhaps it is because I love and respect myself too much to want to continue.

And, I'm not sure where that leaves us. What is a relationship without mutual love and respect? I spent a lot of time thinking about this yesterday morning and came up with no good answers. I know we've hit low points in our relationship before that didn't seem salvageable and through miracles I still don't understand we found love again. But, honestly, this feels different. I don't care. I don't think he cares.

Something to think about.

Sorry to unload all of this. Tomorrow I'll write about butterflies and sunshine and wild flowers.


Cheers!
mouse

09.21.15: Apple Picking

Dear Friends and Family,

It's September and we went apple picking. It was a beautiful day out. The apples were bountiful. We played afterwards in the play area and a corn maze and a corn pit. And, we ended the day watching pig races and winning a cookie eating contest. It couldn't have been hokier.

Then, Sunday was a jumble of errands and a birthday party. And, now it's Monday and I have drop-off duty this morning because Mr. mouse is stuck with work this morning. I've got the radio playing. I'll give P five more minutes before I get her ready.

Happy Monday.


Cheers!
mouse

Disorganized and Feeling Overwhelmed

Dear Friends and Family,

I'm pretty sure I missed my tax payment yesterday. And, we would have missed P's dress code today if Mr. mouse's calendar wasn't up to date. I'm quite positive my email is out of control. And, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need to take some time today and get organized. I hate this feeling of missing things.

On a positive note, I tracked all of my food yesterday. And, I had my vitamin with my measured coffee this morning.


Cheers!
mouse

New Day

Dear Friends and Family,

They say that sometimes a keystone habit is what you need to get started. And, today, I did a tiny thing towards getting back on Weight Watchers. I measured my coffee and tracked it. I took my multi-vitamin and tracked it. We'll see if I can now get through the whole day tracking my food.

I also made it a point to try and get through all of my to dos yesterday. If I can get through my to dos today I may feel like I'm getting somewhere.


Cheers!
mouse

09.08.15: Last Day of Summer Vacation

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Tuesday. P starts school tomorrow. So, it's our last day of summer vacation before she starts first grade. We don't have anything specific planned, but I'm sure I'll enjoy the day.

And, tomorrow kicks off a new day. P will be back in school. Mr. mouse will be back at work. And, I will be wrapping my head around my new day. There's so much I put on hold over the summer I'm a little bit at a loss on where to begin. I should probably take the time to create a new Top 3.

There is one thing I am able to wrap my head around that I am super excited about. Mr. mouse switched jobs (same company, new department) and as a result got a pay increase. After being on a budget for a year, I felt like we had a good handle on things. In fact, outside of August (we had to replace our hot water heater) we had been consistently under spending our monthly budget. So, I decided to create a new line item in our budget - experience fund: doing something new or different or a fan favorite. In other words, the money can't be used to buy stuff. It's meant to do stuff, like go to see a play or try a new restaurant or travel or try something, but not to buy anything for us or the house or for other people. I think I'm fine using it to entertain because there is something new gained by spending time with friends. I'm super excited to see what we end up spending the money on. I think it'll be a great way to expand our horizons.

Oh, in case you're wondering, where did the last two weeks go? We went to Disney World and did the Magic Kingdom for two days. The original idea was to have P nap in the car, but that didn't work because frankly the car is just too far away to be a practical napping point. Instead, she spent a lot of time in her stroller and ate a lot of sugar and got to stay up until midnight each night. Then, we spent two low key days at Legoland Florida. We rode the rides, played with the legos, bought souvenirs, and watched the shows. It was a vacation my sister had been trying to plan for awhile so I'm glad we finally got to go. We all enjoyed it and P still talks about different things she noticed while on the rides or seeing the shows.

Then, we came home, unpacked, repacked, and headed out to Spain. Mr. mouse had a trip to Madrid and P and I decided to tag along since all we needed to pay for was our food and entertainment. We took P to see Guernica since she's a big Picasso fan. And, we played a little in the playground. But, the primary purpose of the trip was to buy P's clothes. We spent a lot of time shopping. P got her fall wardrobe and we didn't have to spend a small fortune. For example, at home, a pair of pants that fit her proportions costs $42. Yep, $42 for kid's pants. In Spain, we were able to buy pants for half that price. Dresses? half off. Sweaters? half off. Tops? half off. Shoes? no dice, more expensive and lower quality. So, we bought almost all of her fall and winter clothes while we were in Spain.

So, that's been our life the past two weeks. Time to get ready for the day.


Cheers!
mouse