Dear Friends and Family,
A light bulb went off this weekend and I'm ready to write about something that's been on the back burner for a couple of weeks now.
My mom.
She's mentioned she wanted to come out several times now. For example, while my grandmother was sick, she wanted to come out for a day trip to spend some time with P. I told her she's always welcome and that a day trip would do her a ton of good especially since my aunt was in town to visit with and take care of my grandmother.
Well, after grandma passed away, the concept of the day trip morphed, in my mom's mind, into a SIX month visit to spend some time with P.
Both Mr. mouse and me kind of flinched at the thought of a six month visit. First, there's the fact that we travel, a lot. How would that work? We'd leave her here alone for weekends on end? Then, there's the fact that we have friends over, a lot. How would that work? There's only so much space in the mouse pad, especially now that we've lost a room to P. Then, there's daycare. How would that work? It's not long enough to pull her from daycare and too long to pay it and not use it. Then, there's eating. How would that work? My mom wants to help, but she's not the healthiest cook. And, the list goes on, and gets more petty. And, made me feel like a horrible person.
But, then, I realized those were all mechanistic things we could work through if we really wanted to. At the heart of it was a bigger issue. Rewind to six months ago.
In hindsight, I think, if I were to do it all over again, I would take two weeks with Mr. mouse right when P was born, then three weeks with my mom and then two more weeks with Mr. mouse instead of having my mom come out on day 3 and stay for three weeks. We just needed more time as a family unit when she was born - just the three of us - to soak it all in. I think I've been fighting that since and that's part of what has made me so greedy about P time and so sensitive about the mom visiting thing.
Then, the other thing is, while my mom was here she was very greedy with P time. I kind of swallowed my words and let her have more time than I wanted to give knowing that she had three weeks and I had months ahead of me. It was tough to do, especially with the postpartum hormones raging, but I did.
And, whenever we visited home, she's been very greedy with P time, which I've just chalked up to her taking advantage of the time she has - really, to be fair, everyone is very greedy with limited P time and I get it and I'm okay with it, it's just no one else is asking to move in so it's not really an issue with anyone else.
Which brings me to my aha. I don't want to be fighting for P time and P attention and P "preferential status" (aka who's #1 in P's book?) with my mom for six months. I also don't want to have her spoil P and then have to be the disciplinarian and spend the time and effort to undo that. It all reeks of bad Korean soap operas.
Now, before you think I'm a selfish little snot, I'm 110% for P having a close relationship with her grandparents - all of them. I just don't think she's at an age when she's forming relationships and memories. And, I brought that up to my mom. And, my normally selfless mom said, "I know, this is about me." Wow. I didn't say anything.
Since my mom is normally selfless, it's unfortunate that all three of her children are normally selfish. I think it's because she asked us to be selfless in ways children really shouldn't be expected to be. I won't go into all of that here. But, what it all boils down to is this... If she's okay being selfish, then I'm more than okay being just as selfish. And, I will be, because P's time and attention and preferential status are all limited commodities. And, while I don't mind being a sandwich generation financially, I sure as heck mind being asked to be a sandwich generation familially.
Where does this leave everything? I don't know. Probably nothing is going to happen between now and the end of the year. Now that I have more perspective, I'll stew on it all again until the next light bulb goes off.
Cheers!
mouse
A light bulb went off this weekend and I'm ready to write about something that's been on the back burner for a couple of weeks now.
My mom.
She's mentioned she wanted to come out several times now. For example, while my grandmother was sick, she wanted to come out for a day trip to spend some time with P. I told her she's always welcome and that a day trip would do her a ton of good especially since my aunt was in town to visit with and take care of my grandmother.
Well, after grandma passed away, the concept of the day trip morphed, in my mom's mind, into a SIX month visit to spend some time with P.
Both Mr. mouse and me kind of flinched at the thought of a six month visit. First, there's the fact that we travel, a lot. How would that work? We'd leave her here alone for weekends on end? Then, there's the fact that we have friends over, a lot. How would that work? There's only so much space in the mouse pad, especially now that we've lost a room to P. Then, there's daycare. How would that work? It's not long enough to pull her from daycare and too long to pay it and not use it. Then, there's eating. How would that work? My mom wants to help, but she's not the healthiest cook. And, the list goes on, and gets more petty. And, made me feel like a horrible person.
But, then, I realized those were all mechanistic things we could work through if we really wanted to. At the heart of it was a bigger issue. Rewind to six months ago.
In hindsight, I think, if I were to do it all over again, I would take two weeks with Mr. mouse right when P was born, then three weeks with my mom and then two more weeks with Mr. mouse instead of having my mom come out on day 3 and stay for three weeks. We just needed more time as a family unit when she was born - just the three of us - to soak it all in. I think I've been fighting that since and that's part of what has made me so greedy about P time and so sensitive about the mom visiting thing.
Then, the other thing is, while my mom was here she was very greedy with P time. I kind of swallowed my words and let her have more time than I wanted to give knowing that she had three weeks and I had months ahead of me. It was tough to do, especially with the postpartum hormones raging, but I did.
And, whenever we visited home, she's been very greedy with P time, which I've just chalked up to her taking advantage of the time she has - really, to be fair, everyone is very greedy with limited P time and I get it and I'm okay with it, it's just no one else is asking to move in so it's not really an issue with anyone else.
Which brings me to my aha. I don't want to be fighting for P time and P attention and P "preferential status" (aka who's #1 in P's book?) with my mom for six months. I also don't want to have her spoil P and then have to be the disciplinarian and spend the time and effort to undo that. It all reeks of bad Korean soap operas.
Now, before you think I'm a selfish little snot, I'm 110% for P having a close relationship with her grandparents - all of them. I just don't think she's at an age when she's forming relationships and memories. And, I brought that up to my mom. And, my normally selfless mom said, "I know, this is about me." Wow. I didn't say anything.
Since my mom is normally selfless, it's unfortunate that all three of her children are normally selfish. I think it's because she asked us to be selfless in ways children really shouldn't be expected to be. I won't go into all of that here. But, what it all boils down to is this... If she's okay being selfish, then I'm more than okay being just as selfish. And, I will be, because P's time and attention and preferential status are all limited commodities. And, while I don't mind being a sandwich generation financially, I sure as heck mind being asked to be a sandwich generation familially.
Where does this leave everything? I don't know. Probably nothing is going to happen between now and the end of the year. Now that I have more perspective, I'll stew on it all again until the next light bulb goes off.
Cheers!
mouse
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