Dear Friends and Family,
Clearly I need a new social media routine. I haven't been writing and I haven't been reading and I haven't been on Facebook. While all of this saves me time it also makes me feel a little odd like I'm in a vacuum occupied only by my thoughts and my small interactions with the world around me. It makes me feel solitary.
I think I'm still struggling with the transition I've made. And, I think I'm still struggling with winter blues.
Mr. mouse and I got into a something-or-other last night. It wasn't big enough to call a fight, but it wasn't small enough to brush off. Since I left old work, Mr. mouse has been traveling for work. Somehow he rarely traveled for work before, but now he travels regularly. I'm not sure I understand the dynamic behind it. I'm not sure if it's a hump of backlogged travel that he needs to get through or if this is the new reality. I'm not sure I understand. In fact, I'm quite sure I don't understand.
I do know how it makes me feel. It makes me feel like he's assuming I've got the flexibility to move whatever needs to be moved to manage my own calendar, P's calendar and whatever else that needs to get done. He doesn't check before he books his work travel, he doesn't let me know much in advance that he's going, and somehow he assumes it will all work out. And, in general, it does. Except, like in the Dr. Seuss books, sometimes it doesn't. And, that's where it makes me feel like he's assuming I will make everything move to work around his world.
I know he feels he makes trades offs without even letting me know about them. These sacrifices that I am oblivious to should make me feel grateful. Except, they don't. I'm unaware of them. How can I feel grateful? Instead I feel resentful and like a second class citizen.
Last month, one night, I was cleaning the family room floor because it really did need a good scrubbing. And, Mr. mouse told me he didn't marry a housewife. And, I told him that's good since I didn't want to be a housewife. Yet, in the end, I feel like it's a slippery slope and a death of a thousand cuts and sooner or later I will wake up and realize that that is exactly what I have become.
So, I've got swim this afternoon with P. I'm still trying to find time with my accountant, which is what started this whole disaster. And, I find myself struggling to keep my new year's resolution of being happy. I am sad today. I am sad because having gotten here I don't know how to get out of here to a happier place.
Mr. mouse knew I was upset last night. But, in classic Mr. mouse fashion he hunkered down and focused on his grapes. After five minutes, I got up and went to fold the laundry. The rest of the night was a combination of Mr. mouse putting away the laundry and doing who knows what in the basement and me sitting on the couch reading the news on my phone in the dark.
And, today, more solidly than ever, I feel like I own the home calendar and my calendar and P's calendar, and all of these must be able to flex as needed to accommodate Mr. mouse's calendar. And, that'll be my unhappy place until I find a way to a happier place.
I guess new year's resolution requires work. That's okay. If it's free, it's probably not worth much.
Cheers!
mouse
Clearly I need a new social media routine. I haven't been writing and I haven't been reading and I haven't been on Facebook. While all of this saves me time it also makes me feel a little odd like I'm in a vacuum occupied only by my thoughts and my small interactions with the world around me. It makes me feel solitary.
I think I'm still struggling with the transition I've made. And, I think I'm still struggling with winter blues.
Mr. mouse and I got into a something-or-other last night. It wasn't big enough to call a fight, but it wasn't small enough to brush off. Since I left old work, Mr. mouse has been traveling for work. Somehow he rarely traveled for work before, but now he travels regularly. I'm not sure I understand the dynamic behind it. I'm not sure if it's a hump of backlogged travel that he needs to get through or if this is the new reality. I'm not sure I understand. In fact, I'm quite sure I don't understand.
I do know how it makes me feel. It makes me feel like he's assuming I've got the flexibility to move whatever needs to be moved to manage my own calendar, P's calendar and whatever else that needs to get done. He doesn't check before he books his work travel, he doesn't let me know much in advance that he's going, and somehow he assumes it will all work out. And, in general, it does. Except, like in the Dr. Seuss books, sometimes it doesn't. And, that's where it makes me feel like he's assuming I will make everything move to work around his world.
I know he feels he makes trades offs without even letting me know about them. These sacrifices that I am oblivious to should make me feel grateful. Except, they don't. I'm unaware of them. How can I feel grateful? Instead I feel resentful and like a second class citizen.
Last month, one night, I was cleaning the family room floor because it really did need a good scrubbing. And, Mr. mouse told me he didn't marry a housewife. And, I told him that's good since I didn't want to be a housewife. Yet, in the end, I feel like it's a slippery slope and a death of a thousand cuts and sooner or later I will wake up and realize that that is exactly what I have become.
So, I've got swim this afternoon with P. I'm still trying to find time with my accountant, which is what started this whole disaster. And, I find myself struggling to keep my new year's resolution of being happy. I am sad today. I am sad because having gotten here I don't know how to get out of here to a happier place.
Mr. mouse knew I was upset last night. But, in classic Mr. mouse fashion he hunkered down and focused on his grapes. After five minutes, I got up and went to fold the laundry. The rest of the night was a combination of Mr. mouse putting away the laundry and doing who knows what in the basement and me sitting on the couch reading the news on my phone in the dark.
And, today, more solidly than ever, I feel like I own the home calendar and my calendar and P's calendar, and all of these must be able to flex as needed to accommodate Mr. mouse's calendar. And, that'll be my unhappy place until I find a way to a happier place.
I guess new year's resolution requires work. That's okay. If it's free, it's probably not worth much.
Cheers!
mouse
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