Almost Two Years in the Making

Dear Friends and Family,

Around this time 2013 I was beginning to surreptitiously begin my exit from old work. I had a list of people I wanted to say good-bye to. I had a list of things I wanted to finish. I had a list of things I needed to take home. My computer was scrubbed. And, I was beginning to count down the days to notifying daycare that we would be leaving. Our last day would be August 23, 2013. I was going to leave on a high note.

Instead I let money sway me. Against my better judgement I decided to stay part-time at old work for a ridiculous amount of money. There were a couple of things I learned while working part-time. While my hours went down by 65% and my pay went down by 30%, my work only went down by 10%. So, right off the bat I wasn't getting the better half of the deal. And, while I did have more flexibility to take off days P had off, and to be home for pick up, I still missed out on all of the field trips because they were on Thursdays when I was in the office. More proof that I wasn't getting the better half of the deal. Still, the money was good so I stayed. Until my position was eliminated and I left - this time on a much lower note. As far as everyone at old work was concerned I decided to leave, but inside I knew it was brought on by my position getting eliminated.

That was April 2014. Now, over a year after that cycle of events, I finally feel ready to put it all behind me. I had a dream where I was finally able to let go and put old work behind me. And, while I realize now that I should have left in 2013, I am also glad I did leave in 2014 and am not at old work now in 2015. P is a big kid now. Her little kid years are definitively behind her. I'm glad I got to spend the last year and two months enjoying the last of the little kid years.

Like P's birth, it took me some time to get over things I wished could have happened differently. I wish 2013 and 2014 could have happened differently. But, sitting here in 2015, I'm finally able to say it doesn't matter. I'm glad of where I got to and it doesn't matter how I got here. What's important is I am here.


Cheers!
mouse

06.03.14: Summer Vacation, week 1

Dear Friends and Family,

I'll be honest, the weekend was a blur of little kid faces as I dedicated most of my time to finishing out P's photo book for school. I sent out my big deliverable at 3 AM on Sunday morning and crashed in P's bed.

But, there are a couple of things I remember from the weekend. P had her first dance recital and she did fantastic in it. I'm not sure I would have been able to carry that off. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to carry that off - dancing on a stage in front of all of those people. I'm glad we're raising P different from how we were raised, in that regard.

Sunday, we went to the park to take spring photos. P wore a white dress my mom bought her for Easter last year. She kinda fits it now, but it's still loose on her.

And, Monday, P and I had a great day at home. We:

1. ate breakfast
2. brushed teeth
3. finished painting Starry Night
4. changed P into her Elsa dress
5. P did two sheets while I showered
6. ate lunch
7. changed a lightbulb
8. played
9. taught P Catan Junior
10. made two cards for our friends
11. took photos in a pretend photo booth
12. ate dinner

I'm not sure we'll be that productive today. In fact, I'm pretty sure we won't be. We have swim class at four and we need to get mail and (maybe) shoes.

Still, I really enjoyed the day with P. I'm glad I didn't have old work to contend with.


Cheers!
mouse

Understanding Inefficiencies

Dear Friends and Family,

I never understood how productive an office environment is compared to a non-office environment until now. In my former life, I could have 8 one hour meetings, 4 thirty minute meetings, 4 hallway conversations, and maybe a few good email threads worked into the mix. That means, in any given day, I got about 20 things done. Now, on a good day, I get three to five things ticked off my list.

What happened? Well, a lot of things happened. First, my day shrunk. My effective day starts at 9 am and ends at 2 pm because outside of that I am spending time with P. While I like spending time with P, it's not realistic to think I will be productive in working through other tasks when I'm with her. Otherwise, I'm not really spending time with her. I'd be doing my thing and she'd be watching me do my thing.

So, five hours instead of ten. That alone will take twenty items down to ten.

On top of that, there's the travel element. I know it takes two minutes to walk to a particular conference room. I don't leave until two minutes before the meeting, I walk, I show up right on time, zero wasted time. Now, I might be headed to a place 20-30 minutes from where I am. Since I'm not sure of the time, a 30 minute trip can take mean leaving 35-40 minutes before hand. Add one or two travel times into the mix and my effective day goes from five hours down to four hours, or eight tasks.

Then, add in dead time because I'm no longer sure of how long each task will take. An oil change can take 30 minutes or it can take an hour like it did last time. A doctor's appointment can take 30 minutes or it can take two hours like it did last time. Dead time is a productive black hole. Add in 30 minutes of dead time per trip and four hours is down to 2.5 hours easy. Now, it's easy to see how I get three to five things done a day instead of 20. Welcome to my new level of productivity.

My three tasks for today? Get mail. Pick up party supplies. Wrap presents. I had to wait until now, 10:30, to get mail, to avoid traffic. I'll get the mail by 11:30, party supplies by 12. I'll be home by 1, wrap presents by 1:30, and then I'm off get P by 2. See, three tasks. I'll squeeze in gas to get it up to 4.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 15: Pulse Check

Dear Friends and Family,

Fifteen days - that's roughly three weeks. How am I doing? Surprisingly, I think I'm doing okay.

I don't have much emotion either positive or negative towards old work. I feel like I still have my friends through Facebook. I don't know a lot about what has happened to my old role or the actual work I was working on. But, perhaps that's what it feels like to walk away from your last full-time job under complicated circumstances. Perhaps it'll take awhile for me to process all of it and definitively feel one way or another about it. For now, I don't feel anything.

How do I feel about my days? Well, I'm wrapped up in preparing for P's birthday party. I have a new habit strategy that I'm still trying out. I'm ecstatic that I get to go on a field trip with P this Thursday. And, while I don't feel delight with my new routine, I do appreciate trying to build one.

So, overall, I'd say I don't feel any big emotion. I think I'll turn the page and close out this transition. Life in general, ready or not, here I come.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 14 and the Weekend: Fortunately I Didn't Deck my Dad

Dear Friends and Family,

Friday wasn't the best start to the weekend. We had a peaceful morning. My parents left to visit P's school. I had some time to myself. Where it hit a speed bump was when I went to pick up P after school. Out of nowhere my Dad is full of parenting advice. I'm sorry, getting parenting advice from my Dad is like getting anger management advice from a psychopath.

Well. I almost decked him. He just couldn't shut his pie hole. Really.

We made it through the evening in one piece. And, I dropped them off at the airport on Saturday morning. And, the trip goes down in history as a great trip, one everyone enjoyed, a thorough success - because that's how we roll. P loved it and my parents loved it. And, that's all that matters since they visited to see her and see her school.

Saturday. We went to see School House Rock, just the three of us. We really enjoyed it. Then, P had a play date with two friends and I had time with the two moms. The moms had a great time. P had some rough spots with one friend. I hate to say it, but I don't think she likes her friend as much as I like her friend's mom. We may need to figure out how to navigate that one.

Sunday. We went to church. We went to a baseball game. We went to a birthday party. I had fun. P had fun. Mr. mouse had fun. P got her face painted. I got my face painted. She got two balloon friends - one alien named Ali and one Princess Sofia. She was ready to pop Ali when she got home because Sofia was done with Ali. I'm glad she's not attached to her balloon friends, but we saved Ali from the scissors for one more day.

And, now, it's Monday and I've got the day to myself. Unfortunately, it's raining all week which is a bummer. But, that's okay.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 13: Not Bad

Dear Friends and Family,

We made it through the day yesterday. Or, rather, I made it through the day yesterday. Breakfast was a tedious affair where my dad could not resist talking ad nauseum about whatever was on his mind. I think somewhere in there I agreed to become an accountant. I'm not sure.

But, after that, he read and my day improved markedly. I think I love my dad. It's just that we're nothing alike so it's an abstract love. I hope P's feelings for me are different from my feelings for my dad. Is that unfair? To hope that you kid loves you differently than you love your parents?

My mom got to watch P's dance class. She got to play with P all afternoon. She read to P before P fell asleep. She had a fabulous day.

I got somewhat caught up on my personal emails. It was a good day.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 12: How We Roll

Dear Friends and Family,

I'll be the first to admit it, my family brings out the worst in me.

Yesterday, my mom went on a church thing. Church is her number one priority. I get it. P and her cousin are somewhere in the top 5. My sister and I know we're somewhere on the list after our kids before chopped liver. Where on the list is always open to interpretation.

Back to yesterday. The weather for Thursday was looking questionable and flights were looking more questionable. And, I knew P would be crushed if her grandparents didn't make it out for school on Friday. So, I became antsy about my parents coming out. And, my mom is on a church thing and, of course, the cell phone reception is atrocious. So, I'm Little Miss Anxious all day about getting them out here. They're Mr. and Little Miss Scramble to make a flight last night, and, of course, a runway is closed and the flight was delayed until 10:30. And, my dad decides it's too late for dinner so he skips dinner which means he'll be a trial and a quarter this morning.

On top of all of this, my dad sprained his leg over the weekend so he can't really walk. Of course. Which means I'll be driving them to school and back on Friday. And, I'll be driving to the airport on Saturday morning. Of course.

And, if that wasn't enough, my dad needs special medicine that needs to be boiled in a non-metal container which they did not bring. Of course. I'm not sure if they forgot or if they assumed we had one. So, today, we're going on a scavenger hunt for such said vessel. Whoopee.

Like I said, my family brings out the worst in me. Wish me luck today.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 11: Time for a New Budget

Dear Friends and Family,

Another month, another credit card bill that blows my mind. We need a better system so I think for a month I may put us on a budget. That's usually enough to help us reset our spending habits. I may. I still need to think about it.

Yesterday, we had our year end conference with P's teacher. She's doing great academically. We'll continue to work on confidence and speaking out loud and flexibility. All in all, I'm happy so far with the choice we made for her school. She hasn't learned a lot new but that's typical of her trend. She has matured a ton emotionally and socially. I'm not sure if that's because she's almost five or it's because of school or some combination. Since we can't press the rewind button and repeat the year under a different set of circumstances, we'll have to assume it is some combination of the two and that school did play a role in it.

Yesterday, I also heard that the person who most probably picked my job for elimination is leaving old work. That would rankle me except in the same text message I also heard that a former colleague got promoted which only reinforces that it was time to be done with old work and move on to new work. I need to continue to put it all behind me.

Today, I've got time set aside to work on marketing which will be good. I've stayed on top of my lists so far. We'll see if I can continue to do that with my parents in town tomorrow.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 10: First Day Off and a New Top Three

Dear Friends and Family,

It didn't feel real. But, yesterday was my first day off.

I got through a lot of things that had piled up over the two week drama of leaving work. I paid my insurance bill. I took care of some licensing paperwork. I did an hour of billable work. I did payroll. It felt good.

I ate breakfast and lunch at home. I ate breakfast on the roof deck. I ate lunch in front of the TV. It felt good.

I made some progress on keeping the house in one piece. I worked on the photo album from spring break. It felt good.

Everything felt good. But, in the long run, I think I will need more than this to feel fulfilled. Tomorrow, I'm going to tackle marketing material. That'll feel good.

Perhaps what I need is a top three. Seems appropriate.

I've been working under the premise that getting all of my to dos done and the house in order will make me happy. Now, I'm wondering if that's enough. Or, if I need more than that. I think I need more than that.

So, let's assume that a house that is in order will make me happy because I know that a house that's not in order does make me unhappy. Perhaps I start from there. I know that once it's in order it's usually not difficult to maintain. So, maybe for now, I'll continue to work against getting the house in order.

The to do list. I guess I do get a sense of peace from having a completed to do list. Maybe I'll give this another week.

Which brings us to number three on the list. I guess this has to be new work. I need to focus on it even if it's hard and even if I'm a little scared. I know that this will make me feel fulfilled.

My list:

1. new work
2. the mouse pad
3. the to do list

Okay. That feels good.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 9 and the Weekend: Day with P and a Last Email Check

Dear Friends and Family,

I hardly remember Friday. I woke up and checked email one last time. Well, I checked two last times or it might have been three. Mostly, I was compulsively checking to see if anyone else had written a personal note. But, I didn't see any. So, I stopped checking and reminded myself that I need to be done.

P slept in until close to 10 AM. Then, we met up with one of her friends and went out for a play date. P was so excited about her new car seat. Her friend's mom and I are close friends so we spent the time chatting while the girls were playing. And, the play date turned into dinner. And, dinner turned into an evening play date where the four of us (the dads joined us) were able to chat while the girls were playing. It was good to be able to focus on stuff outside of my last day at work.

Saturday, we met up with friends for brunch. Then, we headed to the museum for another play date. The kids enjoyed the dinosaurs while the adults wondered what the museum would be like if it were run by Disney. After all, most people don't really get a lot out of seeing a fossilized leaf while a lot of people did get a lot of seeing an underwater simulation of life on Earth 4 billion years ago.

Sunday, we went to church. I got one of the last seats in the main mass. I ended up sitting next to a very charming man who knew a ton about the church and had a great singing voice. I do feel blessed that I found the church I found during our search for a school for P.

While I was at church, Mr. mouse was busy setting up the Easter egg hunt. This year, we opted to do an indoor hunt. Mr. mouse put out P's Easter basket. Then, he hid 23 eggs throughout the house. He brought one egg with a bucket, a poem filled with clues, and a set of bunny ears to the car. P was so excited on the way home after reading her poem. And, she shrieked as she ran through the house finding her eggs. It was worth the logistics of setting up a hunt. Perhaps we'll let the leprechauns visit our house next year.

And, now it's Monday. I can't say I feel a lot of emotion about leaving old work. It is what it is. I'm not upset. I'm not particularly happy. I'm not relieved. I'm not sure what I am. Perhaps I'll just need to let it sink in a little more.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 8: Walking Out

Dear Friends and Family,

It's truly over.

I turned in all my gear. I had all of my meetings. I had a going away lunch with my department. I spent extra time with my team in the afternoon. I walked through the halls and said bye to the people I saw. I walked out the parking garage. I left.

It's truly over unless something comes out of left field that I'm not expecting.

I think I know where the anxiety stems from now. When I left old old work I got walked. I expected to get walked on Monday and I was braced for it, but then they asked me to work my two weeks so after some cognitive dissonance I figured I was there for two more weeks. Then, Tuesday, I expected to be working, and HR changed their mind, and I got walked - and I wasn't emotionally braced for it.

So, I think, subconsciously, I was braced for anything for the time I had left at old work. I wasn't sure what could come out of nowhere to upset whatever expectations I had. But, in the end, nothing came out of nowhere. I left yesterday with no incidents.

The drive home was longer than I've had recently since I left closer to normal rush hour time. I met Mr. mouse and P for dinner. We came home. I read a book to P. I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up and went to bed. And, I woke up this morning feeling better.

A lot of it still doesn't feel real. And, I'm not quite ready to jump into things. But, I'm feeling less anxious than yesterday. Today, I've got time with P and her friend and her friend's mom who is a friend of mine. Tomorrow, I've got time with P and another friend and his mom who is also a friend of mine. Sunday, I have brunch with a close friend. I think all of that will help me feel more real. And, then, next week is next week and it will be better than this week.

I guess it's true. Time does heal all wounds even the ones that feel like they've already scabbed over and are beginning to itch.


Cheers!
mouse

Days 6 and 7: On Cruise Control

Dear Friends and Family,

It's come down to today.

I've got my corporate credit card and discount card in an envelope. I have a blackberry and a laptop that I turned off yesterday evening for the very last time. I have a piece of paper with my schedule on it for today. I have lunch at 12:30 and I'm free to leave anytime after that.

I'll pick up mail and get gas. I have tomorrow off with P.

I'm okay because I don't have an option to not be okay. I know inside there's some fairly high level of anxiety associated with this. I don't know why, but since I don't know what to do about it, I'm just going with it. I'm assuming tonight it'll all be behind me. Fingers crossed.

I have tomorrow off with P.

Next week starts a whole new adventure. As always there'll be no such thing as a routine that first week. My parents are coming in on Wednesday night and staying through Saturday morning, I think. So, I'll need to work around their schedule. I think the following week will be a routine week. I think. I hope.

Then, we'll go from there.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 5: Coffee with a Friend

Dear Friends and Family,

Last night, I went out for coffee with a friend. She also works at old work. And, after talking with her, it confirmed my realization I will not miss old work.

The only thing I regret in this whole thing is not quitting earlier. I wish I had just walked out the door in August. I shouldn't have stayed.

Mr. mouse told me that I had doubts last August, but I looked at my entries from August. I don't see doubt.

I shouldn't have stayed. In hindsight, I should have just left in August.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 4 and the Weekend: Day with P and a Small Lightbulb

Dear Friends and Family,

Friday, P had the day off from school.

We had a free pass to a museum and decided to invite P's close friend and her mom to join us at the museum. Since it cost us $0.00 to go to the museum, the pressure wasn't on for the kids to get anything out of it. They walked through one exhibit, ate lunch, watched the fish, walked through a Calder exhibit, read a book, and then left. And, that was fine with the other mom and me.

We bought souvenirs in the gift shop and went to the park across the street for some monkeying around. P and I took the bus home afterwards, stopping at our favorite ice cream shop to enjoy a little treat.

We spent the afternoon at home making necklaces and playing fairy. I have to say, I enjoyed the day. Minus a sleepy moment mid-afternoon, it was a relaxing time with P. I'll miss these moments when she's older. I'm glad I get to enjoy them now.

Saturday, we had a haircut which both P and I desperately needed. You can see her eyes now.

And, Sunday, I had the most interesting thought while at church. Several years ago, an analyst on my team had a dream. She dreamt I was Jesus Christ. And, yesterday, in church, I realized that was true. We all have a little Jesus in us. And, we all face situations we'd rather not face and deal with things we'd rather not deal with and some of it seems so senseless. But, in the end, we have to have faith that it'll will all make sense in the future and that the momentary pain is worth it.

Granted, Jesus was crucified and resurrected. And, this Friday is merely my last day at old work and this weekend is my chance to start a new chapter in new work. But, remember, I've only got a little Jesus in me. So, my life won't be as dramatic.

Still, I've got faith that come next week, the craziness of the past week and this week will all be behind me and it will have all been worth it.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 3: Taking Control

Dear Friends and Family,

I feel a lot better now. Yay!

I think what pissed me off the most about the whole thing was that I had bent over backwards to make things work for old work, missing school field trips with P, and to thank me for it they eliminated my job. I felt like my eyes had been opened, and I regretted my decision to stay in August, but it didn't matter, I couldn't change the past and the future had been set for me.

But, then, I asked a question that is indicative of me, I asked if I could still resign. Was it too late for me to voluntarily resign, on my own terms? And, my boss and human resources, both stumped, told me I could.

So, at least, for me, it's a voluntary resignation. After I realized I was mentally done, I got to resign. The fact that it took my job getting eliminated for me to realize how done I was is a sad piece of collateral damage.

I'm still waiting for all of it to become final. But, I feel like I'm in a better place than I was yesterday.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 2: Time to Start Telling Everyone

Dear Friends and Family,

Today, I head into the office. My computer is organized with just my work files on it. Turns out I had a couple of emails from Mr. mouse and my sheet that I was using to track my hours on it. Still, it feels better knowing I had a chance to check.

And, today, I start telling people starting with my immediate team and then my extended team and then my business partners and then my department.

I'm not sure, emotionally, where I'm at. I haven't felt any real depth of emotion about this since the initial panic followed by relief that I wasn't being walked from the building. I've felt a little numb. Perhaps this is normal. Time will tell.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 1: Processing

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I went to see my boss for my regularly scheduled 1:1 and was told that my position had been eliminated. I'll be honest, I was panicked, not because my job had been eliminated, but because I had put off backing up my work computer. It was on my to do list for this week, to transfer anything personal off of it. I do it once a month. It's not a lot of stuff. Some months it's nothing. But, I was mentally kicking myself for not doing it on Monday and losing that. Yes, that's what I was worried about.

But, my boss told me that they were giving me two weeks. I'd have the time for an orderly transition. They weren't going to escort me out of the door that moment. Well, that gave me a giant measure of calm. I'm still going to back up my work computer between now and Thursday in case they change their mind.

Then, my boss told me I could manage my message. I'm inclined to tell everyone that after taking vacation I realized I was done with this work and needed more time to focus on my new work. I'm not ashamed of getting let go. It's not ideal, but it's not something I'm embarrassed about. I just can't stand the thought of people looking at me with pity. I can't stand pity.

I hope in a couple of years I can look back on this differently. In the end, I'm fine with the result. The way we got to the result is not ideal. In a perfect world, I would have been able to pick my own end date, of early July. I would have hired and trained my backfill. But, in this imperfect world, my end date is mid-April and there is no backfill. It'll probably bug me for a bit. Hopefully, after some time passes, it'll stop bothering me.

For now, I truly am excited to have time back during the week to do other things that make me happy. I can spend more time on new work, I can spend more time on the house, I can spend more time on my to list, and I can spend more time on my health. All good things. I should feel blessed. I will feel blessed.

I just need a little time to process it all.


Cheers!
mouse

Free Day!

Dear Friends and Family,

It's my first free day since transitioning out of full time work. I spent extra time on Monday night working so I would have free time today.

I have about an hour's worth of work. And, I have a couple of chores I need to do around the house. But, most of the day is free. Hooray!

I think I will use the time to work on my idea. I am glad to finally have the time to get that ball moving. And, the best part? I have another free day on Friday!

My transition to my new life feels like it MAY be complete.


Cheers!
mouse

Yesterday and Today

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I blocked out my Wednesdays and Fridays on my work calendar. This should give me some amount of time to work on my new idea. That felt good.

Yesterday, I napped. That felt good.

Yesterday, I cleared off more of the kitchen counter. That felt good.

Today, I have work to do. Today, I have to pick up a present for my nephew who is visiting tomorrow. Today, I need to get P to nap early and then I need to drop her off at a friend's house for a play date. Today, I have my last "big" obligation for school kick-off.

Today, I still want to do a load of laundry. Today, I still want to empty out the dishwasher. Today, I still want to find 30 minutes to work on the house.

The little obsessions that make up my new routine are just that, obsessions. Still, it feels good to be making progress on the things that make me happy. A clean house makes me happy. Sleeping makes me happy. A shorter to do list makes me happy.

Yesterday, I was happy. Today, I hope to be able to do the things I need to do so that I can say the same thing tomorrow.


Cheers!
mouse

30 Minutes Well Spent

Dear Friends and Family,

I love, love, love the fact that P still naps. I would love the time with her if she didn't. But, I love the time without her since she does.

Yesterday, after she fell asleep, I set the timer for 30 minutes. I spent the time restoring order to those little islands of space that I have reconquered from the chaos that is my house. Fortunately, I was able to reconquer my tiny little islands of order in the 30 minutes. And, I was able to spend the rest of the time, after my 30 minutes were up, working on work.

Today, as long as I'm not too tired, I may try another 30 minutes. It's about enough time to really make progress, but not enough time to feel like you got nothing else done in the day. After 30 minutes, I move on, with little to no guilt, to my next task at hand.

I'm not sure what that task will be, but it feels good that I'm making progress on something besides old work. It also feels like we might be hitting a routine with P. We have a thing for school tonight, and then, after that, nothing looming on the horizon.

I also realized there is stuff at old work that just needs to be prioritized lower. Everything will not get done with me working 17.5 hours a week. And, that's okay.

Yeah! You deserve a pat on the back, mouse.


Cheers!
mouse