10.05.15: Weekend Experiences

Dear Friends and Family,

Mr. mouse and I had a fundamental difference on what we wanted to do Saturday night. I wanted to go out to an earlier dinner with a smaller group of parents. He wanted to go out to a later get together with a larger group of parents. It seemed like he may have been okay going to the earlier dinner, but I inadvertently made it a moot point when I asked one of the parents if she wanted a ride to dinner so we didn't need to look for two parking spots at dinner. It a moot point because I knew, but forgot for a moment, that she wanted to go to both. So rather than let it get all awkward, we went to both. I figured at that point it wasn't worth fighting since I knew Mr. mouse wanted to go and I was the one that had offered the ride.

Well, when all was said and done we spent $116 on the evening's entertainment. I had fun, but I'm not sure I had $116 worth of fun.

I've come to realize Mr. mouse and I have more fundamental differences that matter. We tripped across one on Friday night too. I'm not sure if I've changed or if he's changed or if we've changed. In the past, I think it mattered less to us what we were doing as long as we were doing it together because sometimes when you're hanging with your best friend you're happy just because you're hanging with your best friend. But, now, it seems different. I guess now we're pickier about what we want to do. Perhaps it's because when the event is the primary purpose of going then you get more thoughtful on the event. And, well your companion, in some instances, is the person you showed up with and the one you left with, but isn't necessarily the reason you went.

On a positive note we had crepes Sunday night with P, but I'm still sad we couldn't get to agreement on Saturday. It makes me realize that things are different now.


Cheers!
mouse

Butterflies and Sunshine and Wild Flowers

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I had coffee with an amazing friend who reminded me that there is so much good in the world if we just open our eyes and look around. The weather was great. I caught three buses in a row to make it home in record time after coffee. And, I had a great time last night when we got to visit P's classroom.

See. I did find something positive to write about.

Last night I asked Mr. mouse if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Nope. Really? Nope? Are you sure? Yep. Nothing constructive to say right now.

What am I feeling right now? I feel like I was lied to. I feel like trust was broken. I feel like he's not sorry he was caught in a lie. I feel like he's annoyed that I'm making an issue of this. If only I didn't care about trust and feeling taken advantage of then this wouldn't be an issue and we could move on like nothing happened. Well, I can't move on. I'm sorry. When I get to this point, there is no moving on like nothing happened.

It makes me question lots of things. And, honestly, P is such a big part of it. If it were just the two of us, I feel like I would move on and potentially out. We could split the assets and both continue to find our paths in life. But, with P the picture changes in ways I can't really get my arms around. I can't imagine what it would do to her, emotionally, if her mom and dad split up. I do know it will impact her financially. And, statistics say it isn't just the immediate financial hit, it puts her in a different bucket altogether where the odds just aren't as much in her favor anymore. But, I also hate the idea of her watching what we have and concluding that this is what a successful marriage looks like because it isn't. This isn't it. And if this is what she has in the future, I will be a little sad for her. There is a part of me that wants her to see two happy adults because she can learn a lot from that happiness too.

I guess for now I have one decision with three choices I need to wrap my head around. I can do nothing. I can try to fix the relationship. I can decide the relationship is not worth fixing and essentially end it. I think I will take the Buddhist route and wait until the right answer feels right. I do know one thing, I will not try to fix anything until Mr. mouse makes an active effort to acknowledge what happened and to address it. But, I know he won't unless I prompt him to. And, honestly, after last night I have no desire to prompt him to. So, in reality, fixing the relationship is not a real option. That leaves do nothing and walking away. Lots to think about.


Cheers!
mouse

Round the Block Again

Dear Friends and Family,

Sometimes you go around the block and notice new things and wonder how it is you never noticed them before. And, sometimes you go around the block and wonder why you even bothered. And, sometimes you go around the block even if you don't want to because you're along for the ride.

Mr. mouse and I are going around the same old tired block again. I am so tired of it. I am so very tired. I am too tired to be angry. I am too tired to care. I am too tired to want to try and fix it. I am too tired. Or perhaps I am too smart. I am too smart to be angry. I am too smart to care. I am too smart to want to try and fix it. I am too smart. Because this isn't the first time we've been around this block. And, I've concluded this won't be the last time. We'll be around this block again.

I can't pinpoint the event, but sometime in the last six years Mr. mouse seems to have lost all respect for me. I am no longer logical. I am not a good decision maker. I am not a good listener. I am not a good speaker. He doesn't care if he hurts my feelings. He doesn't care if I get angry. He's always exasperated with me.

I'm done trying to force a grown adult to respect and love me. I'm done trying to show I am worthy of love and respect. I shouldn't need to convince someone I am worthy of love and respect. I feel done. Because sometime in the last six years I've lost reciprocating the love and respect that was the bedrock of our relationship. I'm not sure if it is because I am too tired or it is because I am too smart. Or perhaps it is because I love and respect myself too much to want to continue.

And, I'm not sure where that leaves us. What is a relationship without mutual love and respect? I spent a lot of time thinking about this yesterday morning and came up with no good answers. I know we've hit low points in our relationship before that didn't seem salvageable and through miracles I still don't understand we found love again. But, honestly, this feels different. I don't care. I don't think he cares.

Something to think about.

Sorry to unload all of this. Tomorrow I'll write about butterflies and sunshine and wild flowers.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 14 and the Weekend: Fortunately I Didn't Deck my Dad

Dear Friends and Family,

Friday wasn't the best start to the weekend. We had a peaceful morning. My parents left to visit P's school. I had some time to myself. Where it hit a speed bump was when I went to pick up P after school. Out of nowhere my Dad is full of parenting advice. I'm sorry, getting parenting advice from my Dad is like getting anger management advice from a psychopath.

Well. I almost decked him. He just couldn't shut his pie hole. Really.

We made it through the evening in one piece. And, I dropped them off at the airport on Saturday morning. And, the trip goes down in history as a great trip, one everyone enjoyed, a thorough success - because that's how we roll. P loved it and my parents loved it. And, that's all that matters since they visited to see her and see her school.

Saturday. We went to see School House Rock, just the three of us. We really enjoyed it. Then, P had a play date with two friends and I had time with the two moms. The moms had a great time. P had some rough spots with one friend. I hate to say it, but I don't think she likes her friend as much as I like her friend's mom. We may need to figure out how to navigate that one.

Sunday. We went to church. We went to a baseball game. We went to a birthday party. I had fun. P had fun. Mr. mouse had fun. P got her face painted. I got my face painted. She got two balloon friends - one alien named Ali and one Princess Sofia. She was ready to pop Ali when she got home because Sofia was done with Ali. I'm glad she's not attached to her balloon friends, but we saved Ali from the scissors for one more day.

And, now, it's Monday and I've got the day to myself. Unfortunately, it's raining all week which is a bummer. But, that's okay.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 13: Not Bad

Dear Friends and Family,

We made it through the day yesterday. Or, rather, I made it through the day yesterday. Breakfast was a tedious affair where my dad could not resist talking ad nauseum about whatever was on his mind. I think somewhere in there I agreed to become an accountant. I'm not sure.

But, after that, he read and my day improved markedly. I think I love my dad. It's just that we're nothing alike so it's an abstract love. I hope P's feelings for me are different from my feelings for my dad. Is that unfair? To hope that you kid loves you differently than you love your parents?

My mom got to watch P's dance class. She got to play with P all afternoon. She read to P before P fell asleep. She had a fabulous day.

I got somewhat caught up on my personal emails. It was a good day.


Cheers!
mouse

Day 12: How We Roll

Dear Friends and Family,

I'll be the first to admit it, my family brings out the worst in me.

Yesterday, my mom went on a church thing. Church is her number one priority. I get it. P and her cousin are somewhere in the top 5. My sister and I know we're somewhere on the list after our kids before chopped liver. Where on the list is always open to interpretation.

Back to yesterday. The weather for Thursday was looking questionable and flights were looking more questionable. And, I knew P would be crushed if her grandparents didn't make it out for school on Friday. So, I became antsy about my parents coming out. And, my mom is on a church thing and, of course, the cell phone reception is atrocious. So, I'm Little Miss Anxious all day about getting them out here. They're Mr. and Little Miss Scramble to make a flight last night, and, of course, a runway is closed and the flight was delayed until 10:30. And, my dad decides it's too late for dinner so he skips dinner which means he'll be a trial and a quarter this morning.

On top of all of this, my dad sprained his leg over the weekend so he can't really walk. Of course. Which means I'll be driving them to school and back on Friday. And, I'll be driving to the airport on Saturday morning. Of course.

And, if that wasn't enough, my dad needs special medicine that needs to be boiled in a non-metal container which they did not bring. Of course. I'm not sure if they forgot or if they assumed we had one. So, today, we're going on a scavenger hunt for such said vessel. Whoopee.

Like I said, my family brings out the worst in me. Wish me luck today.


Cheers!
mouse

The Family I Inherited

Dear Friends and Family,

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking my family is normal.

Mr. mouse and I fight. We get angry. But I don't think our disagreements are outside the bounds of normal. P seems like a perfectly normal kid, even if we know she isn't quite normal. And, my sister, who I talk to on a regular basis, is pretty normal too.

But, you don't have to go far on the family tree to begin finding the craziness.

There's my brother. The 33-year-old who lives with his parents. He's following the dream of becoming a doctor. In three months he graduates from med school and has promised our Dad that he will find a job to begin paying back his loans. If he actually does become a productive member of society, I'm more than willing to grant him normal status. If.

There's my mom, the martyr who married my Dad. Why she married him, I don't know. Why she stays with him, I don't know. Why she doesn't set boundaries, I don't know. Why she expects it to all play out okay, I don't know.

Then, there's my dad. Ultimately all of the family drama starts here. I know. I know. He grew up in a war torn country to a family that faced immense hardship. They lost their "fortune" in the occupation and the war. Illness and strife followed and eventually craziness set in.

Not to be "that" person, but I will be that person.

What I described happened to hundreds of people. An entire generation grew up in a war torn country. Everyone faced immense hardship. Everyone lost everything in the war. But, guess what, hundreds of thousands of families persevered and didn't use circumstance as an excuse let their worst selves flourish.

What's driving this post?

First, there's the 40 minute harangue I suffered at my Dad's hands on Tuesday night on what was supposed to be a peaceful bus ride home. With topics ranging from the need to respect my elders, to how I should manage my money, to what P should be when she grows up, to how I had made such poor career choices, to everything.

Let's be clear. No one gets my respect unless they earn my respect. And no one gets to keep my respect just because they're older than me. Okay. We're on the same page.

Next point. Getting money management advice from my Dad is like getting money management advice from the guy with the cardboard sign and the coffee cup full of coins. It's full of blather. If I ever followed his advice, I'd be broke overnight. My Dad should thank his stars my mom managed the money when we were growing up. She's a horrible money manager. It's just on a relative basis, he's even worse. Okay. We're on the same page here too.

On to P's career options. She's four, people. The world is going to change several times over between now and when she enters the workforce. Really, I'm going to take career advice from a person who was born during The Second World War? There's a difference between life advice and career advice. If I need to shell out useless career advice, there's obsolete advice from my generation. Do I really need to go back further for worse advice? No thanks. I'd rather wait to see how the world evolves before giving P career advice.

On to the real stickler. Me. He criticizes me. I'm the one child of his that has a job. Granted, my current job is a combination of part time work at old work and research on starting a new company. But, after working for almost two decades, I've more than earned my right to explore new options. And, my work? So what if it wasn't glamorous? I enjoyed it and it paid the bills and it allowed us to save up for retirement. What about that should I be ashamed of? Tell me. I'm all ears.

If all that wasn't enough. Then, I find out he's been harassing my Mom to no end. My mom's not perfect. But, she should be allowed to have friends. She should be allowed to see her friends. She should be able to go by herself, especially if she invites my Dad and he declines the invitation.

It all hit some new nadir last night. We know my Dad's been stewing. That's why he called me on Tuesday. That's why he called my Mom on Tuesday and then yesterday with more haranguing. And, then, last night, he gets in the car and drives to my Mom's church at 10 o'clock at night to look for the priest. I want to believe he's seeking help. But, in my cynical heart of hearts, I think it's because he's just there to stir up more trouble.

Now, I need to think through the holidays. I want to see my Mom. I want to see Mr. mouse's family. I don't mind seeing my Dad. Why, I don't really know. But, I've got no desire to have P interact with the crazy man who is her grandfather. She's too tender a kid. She's too innocent. And, I don't see how the benefit is worth the risk.

The possible benefit? She has vague memories of seeing someone once a year who is fond of her that she is told she is fond of. The risk? I get angry. Beware the wrath of a mom who's protecting her young.

On that note. Happy Thursday!


Cheers!
mouse

05.20.13: Birthdays, Check

Dear Friends and Family,

We flew down for my nephew's first birthday. P had fun going to the beach, coloring a piggy bank, and playing with my mom and brother. I had a good time catching up with my sister. We avoided the intervention with my brother because out of nowhere my mom claims that money is not a problem.

Sigh.

My sister decorated the house to a tee. She cooked up a storm. She made butter cream transfers by hand. And, outside of family, only three people came to the party. Two people stopped by for about 15 minutes at the beginning. And, after they left, one person came for about an hour. Both from my brother-in-law's work.

I think my sister needs to develop a network. She needs people to relate to. I'd get serious cabin fever in the same situation. I've strongly encouraged day care. Perhaps I should have strongly encouraged the ones where the parents stay with the kids so that she can meet other caregivers.

Still, it was great seeing my nephew and my sister and my brother-in-law and his parents and my brother. My mom was there too, but since we had her for a week alone, that didn't feel like as much of a treat.


Cheers!
mouse

Our Money

Dear Friends and Family,

Last night I realized how fortunate I am. My sister and her husband have a very different money dynamic than Mr. mouse and I do. She stays home to take care of my nephew and to keep the house from falling apart. Her husband works. In their household she defers to him on money decisions. Right, wrong, or indifferent, that's the dynamic they've fallen into.

Perhaps it's because we've been together for so long I can't imagine trying to figure out my money from our money. Perhaps it's because we both came in with roughly the same situation, he had more credit card debt, I had more student loans, but it seemed close enough for us. Perhaps it's because I've worked as hard as Mr. mouse had and I've contributed financially to the pool. Perhaps it's because I'm me and Mr. mouse is Mr. mouse and we just have a different dynamic, but it would never occur to me to defer to Mr. mouse on money decisions. It would be a foreign concept for us. I think.

Because, we do defer to each other. We don't make decisions in isolation. Like, I discussed leaving work and taking time off with Mr. mouse, made sure we were both okay with that decision. I discussed starting a new business and made sure we were both okay with that decision. It's not like I need his permission, it's just that I would expect the same if the tables were turned.

Perhaps that's it. Perhaps it's coming across as deferral, but it's a joint decision on my sister's part too. I hope so. I like feeling like the money decision making authority in our family is split evenly.


Cheers!
mouse

One Small Step

Dear Friends and Family,

I think I may be turning into a conservative. I'm still for marriage equality. I'm still pro-choice and anti-gun, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm a little more conservative than I was even a couple of days ago.

I'm don't know where you draw the line in the sand about at-fault and not-at-fault. I'm okay with not-at-fault people getting aid, temporary aid or even permanent aid. I'm beginning to be not okay with not-at-fault people getting aid. Why should I need to work my duff off to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves? Not at fault? I'm willing to chip in. That's being humane.

It's a fuzzy line, but one I'm beginning to think more about. And, it all started with my mom saying she's getting a job to support my brother. After much conversation with my sister and with Mr. mouse I landed on the fact that I'm okay with my mom getting a job if that's the choice she makes. I'd prefer for her to kick my brother out, but if she can't, then it should be her free choice to get a job to support him if she wants to. I shouldn't judge her for her choice. Nor should I feel like I need to contribute to a bad situation and enable it further. This is their decision to make - my mother's and my brother's, not mine nor my sister's.

But, it leads to more questions. Why isn't my brother able to work? He's 33. He's in good health. He can claim he's a student, and that he works in the hospital during some portion of the year. But, why can't he work during the rest of the time? Are there no jobs? None at all? Or it is something else? I feel like it's something else.

My sister told me she's offered to help him become an x-ray tech. It pays good money. But, apparently, it isn't prestigious enough for my brother. And, apparently, living at home off of mom and dad is? It's twisted logic at best. And, why can't he get a job, some job, any job, even if it's a sad job that pays minimum wage? Why can't he get that job? If there's zero jobs to be had, then, I guess my perspective would be different. But, I know there are jobs. I just believe there are jobs. There must be jobs, if only he were willing to look and to take one.

Then, there's the question of the mountain of debt he's taken on in pursuing his dream. How's he going to pay that off? Those student loans would wipe out most of my parents' savings and I'm certainly not willing to take them on. I feel like my brother should be a functioning member of society and needs to take some personal responsibility for his actions. If he can't, then I don't feel like, we, as a society, owe him. Do we owe him shelter or food or medicine? I'm not sure. It sounds cruel, but I'm just not sure anymore.

Time for more navel gazing.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: I also am beginning to think not-at-fault people should give up some rights to receive permanent aid. I'm not sure how or why, but I'm beginning to think that way.

Who's to Blame? And, More Importantly, What Do We Do Now?

Dear Friends and Family,

My mom's thinking about getting a job. When she first told me that she said it was to get out of the house because she needs some space from my father. Then she told me it's also to make ends meet. Then she told me that it's tough to make ends meet with my brother still living at home.

Who's to blame when children fall short of expectations? Is it the parents fault for poor parenting? Is it ultimately the kid's fault once they're an adult? I'm not sure. All I know is that my 33 year old brother isn't pulling his weight. My mom is seriously contemplating getting a job because he lives at home.

Now, I can come up with a million and one reasons why my 33 year old brother lives at home. My parents aren't good parents. He never learned how to be a functioning adult. But, then, my sister and I turned out okay. My brother's in med school, but he's been in and out of school for what seems like forever. He's waiting to next March to match. Was it his fault he didn't match last spring? Or was it bad luck? Am I losing patience right when the end is in sight? Or is this one more year on a train to nowhere? How do I feel when my mom says things like he's just like your dad?

Most importantly, can I really let my parents be short of money? Should I let my mother get a job? If it were really just to get out of the house, I'd be all for it. But, if it's really just to make ends meet, then I'm not sure I'm for it. Should P go to private school ahead of my mother having food on the table? The answer seems like it should be no. Should I "retire" and take some time off ahead of my mother having food on the table? The answer seems like it should be no.

But, then, I ask myself, should P not go to private school after our crazy year of getting her into school so that my 33 year old brother can slough off? The answer seems like it should be no. Should I work and let me health teeter in the balance and let me house fall slowly apart and have no time for myself so that my 33 year old brother can slough off? The answer seems like it should be no.

Should my mother work because my brother won't? That answer isn't so simple. On the one hand, I can argue it's her call to make. She can kick him out and live off of the savings they have. Or she can get a job and be okay with him living at home. I can ignore the situation under the guise of they're all adults, they can make adult decisions.

But, they're not. Outside of my sister and me, they're not all adults. They're like kids. And, who's to blame? And, more importantly, what do we do now?

I think my brother should get a job. I think he should begin to pay my parents rent and begin to cover some of the expenses associated with living at home. Rent. That's a good place to start. And, perhaps a third of the grocery bill. And, then perhaps a third of the utilities. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Rent. That's a good place to start.

I shouldn't have to work because my brother can't. Or more importantly, my brother won't. Right? I shouldn't feel guilty about my decisions. I've worked hard. I hate to sound entitled but I feel like I've earned my right to balance my work and my life.

If only my brother weren't completely lame. Who's to blame? And, what do we do now? Hopefully so navel gazing will provide some insight.


Cheers!
mouse

Resolution

Dear Friends and Family,

I started off the millenia with four grandparents. And, in April of 2001 I lost my maternal grandfather. And, then my paternal grandmother. And, then my maternal grandmother. And, now, my paternal grandfather.

Which means we're down to three generations of mice - my parents, my siblings and me, and P. It's a funny feeling. Knowing that if we had gotten on a plane and gone to see him, he would have passed away the day we left to see Mr. mouse's grandmother.

I'm hoping against hope that my dad finds resolution in all of this. His relationship with my grandparents was overly complex with a lot of emotional stress compounded by extraneous melodrama built into the very foundation of their relationship.

I'm hoping against hope that my dad gets through the disposition of the estate without additional stress. There's the issue of the house which my dad bought decades ago and my grandparents lived in. And, then there's the little things which my sister and I would probably treasure, but my parents will probably toss.

And, I'm hoping against hope that my dad stays compliant with his medicine through all of this. He's got a chronic breathing problem and when he's not taking his meds his symptoms flare.

And, last but not least, I'm hoping that one day, when P is going through this, her life is simpler because my life was simpler.


Cheers!
mouse

Torn

Dear Friends and Family,

My grandfather in Korea is ill. He is 101 years old. And, he is dying.

As Mr. mouse hacks up a lung, I am sitting in the "family room" debating whether or not we should make the trek out to see him. He is not no longer aware of his surroundings nor is he conscious of visitors.

If I'm doing this for P, I'm not sure it's worth it. To drag her on a plane for 20 hours to potentially spend 5 minutes with someone she doesn't know and will not remember seems like a questionable idea.

If I'm doing this for my parents, I'm not sure it's worth it. They have my aunt and uncle with them and have explicitly said it's not a good idea to come out.

If I'm doing this for Mr. mouse, I'm sure it's not worth it. He sounds miserable.

If I'm doing this for my grandfather, I'm not sure it's worth it. Frankly, in a matter of days he will most probably have passed away.

So, selfishly, it all comes down to me. If we go, I'm doing this for myself. I'm not sure what I'll decide, but it's nice to have boiled down the complexities into a single variable.


Cheers!
mouse

02.07.11: Frazzled Weekend

Dear Friends and Family,

Well. It wasn't that frazzled. We got a lot done. And, we played with P. The grand experiment of the moment is leaving one of the gates undone to give P access to more of the house. Of course, her first instinct is to explore since the living room was an area of limited availability.

P officially has three more teeth in, just barely, filling in the gaps between her front eight and her read four molars. The bottom left has yet to make an appearance.

Mr. mouse was sick with something awful coughing up some nasty sounding phlegm. Yuck.

And, I was mentally sorting through my old job and my new job and coming to terms with it all. And, beginning to put together the prep list for our quickie trip to the Pacific Rim to see the grandparents.

I spoke with my Mom on Sunday and sometimes I wonder if her English has gotten worse since she's retired - both literally and figuratively. I think the literal part is easy to understand since she probably spends 90% of her time speaking Korean. But, I think figuratively there's a change in mental models as well since she's with other Koreans all of the time she's become "more Korean." We spent a call lost in translation where my Mom kept saying don't try to schedule this = you don't know if you're going to see Grandpa for the last time or if you're going for the funeral. And, I get that. But, I still wanted to let her know when we plan on showing up and leaving, not because we expect her or my grandfather to work their schedule around ours, but just so that she knows when we'll be there. I'm still not sure she got it.

Well, P's up so time to get ready for work.


Cheers!
mouse

Jinxed

Dear Friends and Family,

And just when you think it's going okay... My mom called last night to tell me that my dad is in the hospital. He was admitted for some tests. And, then my sister called to fill me in on all of the gory details. Apparently my dad had some infection of the lungs/bronchial tubes when he was a kid and it caused some scarring of the respiratory tract. Well, as you get older, it makes you more susceptible to respiratory tract illnesses and makes treatment of them more critical than if you didn't have the scarring.

From what I can gather, my dad must have caught something. And, now everyone's concerned it's pneumonia. And, I feel bad. I was annoyed with my dad for his behavior when he visited for P's birthday. And, now I realize he must have been pretty miserable.

It still doesn't excuse his behavior. And, still doesn't change Mr. mouse's feelings about the whole thing. But, it makes me feel bad that I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess it's true, that's what happens if you cry wolf once too often.

So why do I feel jinxed? I was just lecturing a friend at work about letting people live by their decisions and letting go of what you can't control. And, I still feel that way. I just feel bad because my dad didn't have the easiest time of it.

He grew up under two tyrants in an environment that would make parents today shudder. He grew up in a war torn country deprived of resources and a lot of what we take for granted now. And, he's been carrying that baggage around his entire life.

I know I didn't have the easiest childhood either. And, I'm very fortunate to have grown out of the trap that so many fall into - the trap of repeating the mistakes of the prior generation. And, I guess that's why I feel bad. Given the hand I was dealt, I feel like I made the best of it and the best of it is pretty good. And, I feel like my dad didn't. He became a victim. So, while I'm sitting here with five deuces, he's decided to fold. And, that's why I feel bad. I was lucky. He wasn't. And, I feel sorry for him.

Well, time to dig deep and be strong. And, time to watch and be grateful for what we have been able to offer P - a mom and dad who love her unconditionally; a home that is safe and happy. Time and attention and smiles and laughter and hugs and reading time and play time and care are all things P gets to take for granted. We're fortunate and P's fortunate. And, that is a good thing. I feel like I've done what I can to make the world a little bit of a better place by being able to provide for P what I didn't have as a child.


Cheers!
mouse

05.17.10: Birthday Party Weekend

Dear Friends and Family,

WARNING: I'm annoyed. If you're looking for shiny happy blog entry, I'd skip ahead to another blog or come back another day.

Okay. Let's start at the beginning.

My parents flew in on Friday for the weekend for P's birthday. They took a cab out to the office. We ate lunch together. I dropped them off to spend the afternoon with P.

My dad is on antibiotics for a cold (I know, that makes NO sense, but, that's what his doctor prescribed. That's what he's on). So, he shakes P's hand and then proceeds to spend the rest of the afternoon in the hallway so that he doesn't get anyone sick. Okay.

My mom is dying to spend quality time with P. She's frenetic in her desire to play with P. She's a little scary in her enthusiasm and P's having none of it. She proceeds to cry the afternoon away. And, we all know how P can cry - nonstop, for hours on end. And, she's convinced her BFFs to cry. So, there's three of them, in a circle, crying their lungs out, and my mom sitting in the corner. At which point, I decide to bag the afternoon and pick everyone up and head home.

We eat Italian for dinner because my dad wants lasagna. Then, my mom watches from the corner while P copes with the extra people in the house.

We make it through the evening in one piece.

Saturday. We wake somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30. Party is slated for 1:00. Ready? We come downstairs to find my dad on the couch. He's not feeling well. He wants to go home. He's ranting and raving he should have never come out in the first place except my mom made him. Ordinary people would be worried at this point because ordinary people don't know my dad. He's complaining that he can't breathe. We're like, seriously, you need us to drop everything and figure out a way to get you home? Cause, it's not like we has anything planned for this morning? Whatever.

We convince him to wait until my mom wakes up.

My mom sees right through him. But, she calls her friend who is a doctor to ask her to prescribe an inhalant for my dad. Coddle. Coddle. Coddle. So, now, Mr. mouse's top priority becomes finding a pharmacist and getting my dad's prescription filled when all he wants to do is get mail (thwarted Friday when I refused to be left alone another second with the circus). And, wouldn't you know it, in the interim while he's hunting down the prescription, there's an accident en route to the mailbox that makes a quick in and out a more significant to do. He's annoyed.

My mom figures she may as well make herself useful and begins cleaning and tidying. P decides to take a nap which is a lifesaver. I begin cleaning and tidying. My dad asks to borrow Mr. mouse's after shave. Mr. mouse doesn't use after shave. My dad is annoyed. He walks out in a huff to buy after shave. Whatever.

Everyone converges around 11. Mr. mouse is happy. My mom is happy. P is well rested and happy. My sister drove up and is happy. The house is ready. I am happy. My dad is fed. He is happy.

We have a wonderful party. Everyone shows up right at 1:00. My mom plays with every other baby in the house. We eat cupcakes, we play with toys, we laugh with parents. We distribute favors. Life is good.

We're all in wind down mode when my dad came up from the basement where he napped during the party. I don't know what his problem is. Actually, I can venture to guess at a macro level. But, I refuse to acknowledge the mean and petty and pathetic micro level specifics of a case by case incident. Well, he launches into my sister and me about we're not sensitive. We're not being nice to him. We're not sympathetic to his needs. Woe is me. My life is so difficult and no one has the courtesy to ask. This is the worst "hospitality" I've ever received ever. I've never felt less welcome anywhere.

Now, if I were 12 years old, I'd have run crying to my room. But, I'm like, what, almost 40? I'm ready to storm out, but then I remember, wait, I live here. I'm ready to kick him out, but then I figure that'll sour everyone's mood for the weekend and make it unredeemable. I swallow and listen and walk away. PISSED.

We all go out to dinner. My mom makes strides with P. We turn in for the night.

The next morning. It's the same old routine. He needs bread, he needs water, he needs butter. Can he do nothing? He launches into my sister and me again. This time while I'm holding P. Again, I refuse to even care what triggered this one. But, I'm clear with my mom and my sister. I'm done. I'll not have that language and that tone of voice in the house. I can blow it off. Mr. mouse will get annoyed, but he can blow it off. P can not. She'll learn stuff that I have no interest in her learning. MOMMA MOUSE IS MOVING TO PROTECT HER YOUNG. WORLD BEWARE.

My mom and my sister know where this is headed. They know when I've hit a breaking point. More importantly, my mom knows I will have no problem sharply curtailing or skipping holidays at home and keeping P here or hitting the road over the holidays. She knows I'm fine being selective in my invites. I'm explicit. If dad can't control his mouth, he has no business being in my house or anywhere near Pioneer forever.

My mom suggests getting bacon cause "your dad will like bacon" and eating in. So, my sister and Mr. mouse head out for bacon. We cook breakfast in. My mom heads to church. We head to the doctor's office for P's one year check up. My sister heads home. My dad stays home to rest and sulk.

We head out for the afternoon because it's a nice day out and we figure my dad will enjoy it. P warms to my mom. We make it through the evening in one piece. My mom and dad are headed home today. I am headed on my first business trip since P was born.

...

Okay. Grammar on this is a mess. I'll revisit tomorrow to fix it. And, I'll continue where I left off on where my head is at on all of this.


Cheers!
mouse

2010, Here We Come

Dear Friends and Family,

A new year and a chance to look forward and back and pontificate. Here's a link to last year's post, but I'm not going to peek at it until after I write the bulk of this year's post.

How to begin writing about the year just past without writing about P? She's eight months old now and the changes continue to come faster than I ever thought possible. She's playing in a diaper box right now with Mr. mouse. We drew a dashboard on one end and have been pushing her around in it like it's a small car.

One of Mr. mouse's friends once told me (before we were even expecting) that God gives you only as much child as you can handle. And, in that regard, I think she was 100% on the mark. P's a happy baby (now that she's on Zantac) and she sleeps well and eats well and she does well with the long weekdays and semi-structured weekends. I still have trouble believing we've been entrusted with her care. Really, they should have tests and licenses required before allowing people to become parents.

And, because P can be so encompassing, a lot of stuff has fallen by the wayside. I have grand ambitions that 2010 will be better. First, once P is done breastfeeding, I'll get back between 2.5 and 3 hours a day that I currently spend on feeding and pumping. And, once she's done breastfeeding, I can tackle the weight loss without being afraid of losing milk supply.

So, here begins the look at the "stuff" that constitutes what I care about:

baby... maybe: Everyone asks - are we going to have another? And, much as I love P, I don't think we will. Baby #2 won't be P in miniature. And, the experience won't be a rewind of P. It'll be a whole new experience and it'll be that much more complicated for involving four moving parts. For now, I'm happy with one.

clutter diet: For having an infant in the house, we've done well on this front. P has a crib and mattress, a pack and play (that we use for a changing table), a swing and bouncy chair (that are both going on Craigslist soon since she's outgrown both of them), two strollers, and a high chair. We have a couple of tubs of toys and books. And, a scary collection of plastic (bottles, milk storage vials, and pump accessories). But, overall, we've kept it sane as far as the addition of stuff. And, because we had to clear out the basement and garage to make room for her, she's net negative as far as clutter is concerned. And, because I need to clear out space in the basement for P stuff that I want to save, she continues to force us to manage our clutter.

green is good: For a tiny baby, P has a carbon footprint the size of Texas. She has diapers and wipes. We kept the house cool for her over the summer and warm for her over the winter. We drive to school/daycare together every day. And, our laundry and dishwasher consumption has skyrocketed. This one will require some thought to kick start again.

korean soap operas: I had the "talk" with my mom while we were home for the holidays. She'll come out to visit in February, but realizes that moving out here into our basement for six months isn't going to happen.

make your mark: I'm not sure how this will play out. This is still something that I want to do, but I'm still not sure how, yet. For Christmas, Mr. mouse and I made charitable donations instead of buying each other stuff. I donated my share towards The March of Dimes (because they provided so much info on premature babies when I was afraid P would be early), The Heifer Organization (providing livestock to people in need), and a local women's shelter (because everyone needs a partner when fighting abuse).

money matters: We've been fortunate. We've been able to chip away at the pile of debt that everyone seems to carry around. And, with luck, we'll be free and clear by the end of 2010. (Yes, that includes the mortgage!) Our strategy? We live on one income and we save the other. It required a lot of discipline when we first started back in 2001, but, now, it's second nature. I am the first to say, we're fortunate. Both of us enjoy our work. And, both of us earn enough to make living on one income possible. But, it's not a walk in the park. Money is like closet space. Whatever you have, you use up, and wish you had 10% more.

mouse pad: This year, we WILL tackle all of the water ingestion.

the first year: P has headphones on while sitting in her high chair. Mr. mouse is getting ready to puree some avocados and some fish. She doesn't like the food processor. Hence the headphones.

travel: Eight flights and two road trips down, P's a seasoned traveler. We just need to get her a passport.

wellness: After P hits her one year mark, I'll begin this in earnest.

work: I enjoy it. It pays the bills. I wish it was a shorter commute.

Okay. Now, I peek at last year's post. Hmmm... not far off the mark. I'm okay with it and looking forward to 2011.


Cheers!
mouse

Baby Time

Dear Friends and Family,

A light bulb went off this weekend and I'm ready to write about something that's been on the back burner for a couple of weeks now.

My mom.

She's mentioned she wanted to come out several times now. For example, while my grandmother was sick, she wanted to come out for a day trip to spend some time with P. I told her she's always welcome and that a day trip would do her a ton of good especially since my aunt was in town to visit with and take care of my grandmother.

Well, after grandma passed away, the concept of the day trip morphed, in my mom's mind, into a SIX month visit to spend some time with P.

Both Mr. mouse and me kind of flinched at the thought of a six month visit. First, there's the fact that we travel, a lot. How would that work? We'd leave her here alone for weekends on end? Then, there's the fact that we have friends over, a lot. How would that work? There's only so much space in the mouse pad, especially now that we've lost a room to P. Then, there's daycare. How would that work? It's not long enough to pull her from daycare and too long to pay it and not use it. Then, there's eating. How would that work? My mom wants to help, but she's not the healthiest cook. And, the list goes on, and gets more petty. And, made me feel like a horrible person.

But, then, I realized those were all mechanistic things we could work through if we really wanted to. At the heart of it was a bigger issue. Rewind to six months ago.

In hindsight, I think, if I were to do it all over again, I would take two weeks with Mr. mouse right when P was born, then three weeks with my mom and then two more weeks with Mr. mouse instead of having my mom come out on day 3 and stay for three weeks. We just needed more time as a family unit when she was born - just the three of us - to soak it all in. I think I've been fighting that since and that's part of what has made me so greedy about P time and so sensitive about the mom visiting thing.

Then, the other thing is, while my mom was here she was very greedy with P time. I kind of swallowed my words and let her have more time than I wanted to give knowing that she had three weeks and I had months ahead of me. It was tough to do, especially with the postpartum hormones raging, but I did.

And, whenever we visited home, she's been very greedy with P time, which I've just chalked up to her taking advantage of the time she has - really, to be fair, everyone is very greedy with limited P time and I get it and I'm okay with it, it's just no one else is asking to move in so it's not really an issue with anyone else.

Which brings me to my aha. I don't want to be fighting for P time and P attention and P "preferential status" (aka who's #1 in P's book?) with my mom for six months. I also don't want to have her spoil P and then have to be the disciplinarian and spend the time and effort to undo that. It all reeks of bad Korean soap operas.

Now, before you think I'm a selfish little snot, I'm 110% for P having a close relationship with her grandparents - all of them. I just don't think she's at an age when she's forming relationships and memories. And, I brought that up to my mom. And, my normally selfless mom said, "I know, this is about me." Wow. I didn't say anything.

Since my mom is normally selfless, it's unfortunate that all three of her children are normally selfish. I think it's because she asked us to be selfless in ways children really shouldn't be expected to be. I won't go into all of that here. But, what it all boils down to is this... If she's okay being selfish, then I'm more than okay being just as selfish. And, I will be, because P's time and attention and preferential status are all limited commodities. And, while I don't mind being a sandwich generation financially, I sure as heck mind being asked to be a sandwich generation familially.

Where does this leave everything? I don't know. Probably nothing is going to happen between now and the end of the year. Now that I have more perspective, I'll stew on it all again until the next light bulb goes off.


Cheers!
mouse

11.04.09: Processing

Dear Friends and Family,

It's cold now. And, it's dark at night.

P's crawling backwards. And, we can feel a tooth coming in even if we can't see it. She's laughing a lot again after a period when her smiles were harder to win. And, she's talking a ton after a period when she was listening more than squealing. P's a consistent sleeper on the morning rides in, and an inconsistent sleeper on the rides home.

She's SO curious about our food, it makes me laugh. But, when we tried mashed potatoes last night, she vomited it all up. We laughed. She laughed. We try again tonight.

And, I'm still trying to come to terms about grandma. She has good days. She has bad days. They're not feeding her so I feel like that's numbering her days. She has trouble swallowing her food so the decision on how to proceed isn't obvious.

I'm still processing.

And, my mom talks about coming out/moving out to help with P. I'm not sure I want the help, truth be told. I'm kinda enjoying it the way it is now.

I'm still processing.

And, that, my friends, is my life right now. Lots of thinking. Not a lot of insights.


Cheers!
mouse

10.05.09: Mile High City

Dear Friends and Family,

We flew out Saturday to go to my friend's wedding. We were a little discombobulated on the way out. We left a bag at home that had P's bottle and milk for Saturday in it (along with my pump). The wheel on the stroller broke. We almost left Mr. mouse's bag in the wrong rental car. And, the list goes on from there. Fortunately, we were able to break the streak and get back to our normal selves.

We met up with KAR for lunch - only the line was too long for dim sum. So, we had Vietnamese before going for dim sum. Then, we went back to the hotel, changed and headed out for the wedding. P slept the entire evening. I had a chance to catch up with a ton of friends from grad school. I was toying with skipping the wedding and going home to see my grandmother. I'm glad I went.

Sunday, we slept in one extra hour. And, we enjoyed the morning with P. The sun was streaming into the room (I miss the sun) and we took a ton of pictures of our almost five month old. This past month really flew.

We packed up and headed out for the airport. And, then the fun and games began. Our flight was delayed for mechanicals. Sensing impending doom, we headed over to the gate for the St. Louis flight, but it was full. We did some math and headed over to the Omaha flight and got on standby. We hung out in Omaha for two hours eating and feeding P. Then, we missed the first of the Omaha flights home, but caught the second flight home. P had a melt down in the car because she was hungry.

I ended the weekend tired from a day spent trying to get home, with two phone calls I need to return (my sister and my cousin), and a mountain of email for work. But, it was worth it. I wish we had made it back earlier since my sister was driving through town and a direct flight is always easier (btw, our original flight eventually cancelled).

Now, the question looms about the upcoming weekend. I would love to spend it at home, resting, catching up on work, and seeing our friends in town for the marathon. But, I'm torn. Should I go home to see my grandmother? She's back in the hospital and I know it's only a matter of time.

I feel like a horrible person. I know for the sake of my sanity I need to simplify my life. I have to prioritize. And, I resent that my priorities are being forced. Instead of enjoying time with P, I need to balance the needs of my family - to go home to see my grandmother, to call family members with updates, to do the things that need to be done.

This week, I need to squeeze in a manicure (my nails have gotten obscene), a bath for P (because our flight was delayed yesterday), gas fill up (this one should be self evident) and errand catch up from the weekend. Let's hope 1. traffic isn't a disaster like it was last week and 2. P sleeps through the night - she didn't last night.

I guess what it comes down to is the last month flew by. And, I don't want the next two or three months to fly by with us doing what needs to be done for my family. Then, we wake up and find P's grown up a ton and we missed it because we weren't there for it.

There's never a right answer, is there?


Cheers!
mouse