Last Day of Kindergarten

Dear P,

It's Friday. Today's the last day of school before summer vacation. It seems like kindergarten only started yesterday, the year truly did fly by.

I'm so proud of you. You've matured so much the past year. You have a great group of friends. You're able to figure out how to make compromises so that everyone gets to have a say in your play scenarios. You are able to articulate what makes you happy, what makes you sad, and what you find annoying. It's precious listening to you. You sound so much older than six years old. And, it's especially darling because you are about the size of a typical four year old.

I'm also very proud of how far you've come academically. You've picked up so much Spanish and math and reading. You've nearly memorized the Almanac your friend, Gabe, gave you and you're able to make connections to facts you've read in the book with conversations you have with us and with your friends. You're comfortable with time and money and numbers into the thousands. Your favorite books right now are the Who Is/Who Was series of biographies. We currently have Maria Tallchief, Marco Polo, Leonardo da Vinci, Abraham Lincoln, Gold Rush, and Louis Armstrong on loan from the library and Laura Ingalls Wilder on hold. See? It's fun feeding your thirst for knowledge.

It's been a good year for me as well. Last year, I was still transitioning from old work to new work. This year, I feel comfortable with the amount of time I got to spend at school and with you. I feel healed from the scars of old work. And, I'm excited about another summer with my slightly older kid. It's also been a good year because I've finally begun wrangling my way back to wellness. I want to be a good role model for you. And, I've been wrangling our house back to sanity. I don't want you to feel like you live in a pig sty.

I feel like my little kid isn't such a little kid anymore. I think from now until middle school, you're my big kid - my big kid who loves dance and swim and math and reading. Then, you'll be a tweenager before I know it. I guess it's time to say good-bye to my little kid years and hello to my big kid years. I'm sure I'll enjoy them as much as I have the first six.


Love,
your mommy

Our Kindergartner

Dear P,

It's Friday and you're in school. I hope the day is going well and you are having fun and enjoying your first week of school.

I think, in a way, summer vacation is hard. Your entire life you were in school. You started when you were twelve weeks old. And, outside of a week-long vacations, you had a routine. Then, last year, you changed schools. And, it was a little scary for all of us. It was a new building, new rooms, new teachers, new kids, new activities, new food, new commute, new everything. But, over the year we all adjusted. You made new friends. You liked the bus. You became used to the food. And, we all felt good.

Then, came summer vacation. For the first time ever, you had weeks upon weeks off from school. Your father and I lined up all sorts of activities. We took a couple of trips. We spent time together. And, just when it seemed like summer would last forever, September came. And, with September, came the start of a new school year.

I think you were anxious and that's why you were up until midnight on Tuesday night. I think you were tired which is why you were a little grumpy on Wednesday. Thursday felt more routine. And, this morning, outside of a cold, you seemed back to your happy self. You're in kindergarten now. And, I'm realizing you are growing up.

Much as we were amused by the play based curriculum for last year, I already miss it for this year. I promise, we'll make time for play at home. I know you're growing up quickly, but I'd like to hang on to little kid you for just a little longer.


Love,
your mom

Last Day of School

Dear P,

It's your last day of junior kindergarten today. If you make it through the day, you will have gone to school every day that school was open this past year. They used to give out perfect attendance awards when I was a kid, but I don't think they do that anymore.

P, I am so proud of you! You're a big kid now who does big kid things. You text Daddy on the phone. You try to clean up your own spills. You notice things and quickly extrapolate and interpolate other things that should fit the pattern of the world you see.

And, while I'm not sure if you've learned a lot in the traditional sense, I think you have learned a ton in school this past year and I'm so impressed. You're less shy. You're more independent in your play. You're better at solving problems and taking turns. And, you're better at controlling your emotions and letting us know when you're upset.

To be honest, in a way, I think that's more important than if you learned your letters (which you already know) or learned your numbers (which you already know) or learned how to use scissors (which you already know). Those are all important skills, but they're more discrete, they can be taught anytime.

Learning life's lessons, that seems like it should be on the critical path.

I'm looking forward to summer vacation with you. You've never had summer vacation. And, it'll be your longest break ever. We'll have lots of fun doing things only we can do together. I'm glad I switched my work to have this time with you. Hopefully you agree.

Well, I need to get ready now since we're headed to school together for one last drop off.


Love,
your Mommy

Five Years Old Today

Dear P,

P, you're turning five today. In five years you'll be turning ten. Then, in ten years you'll be twenty. I know that seems like forever away when you're five, but from my end it looks like it could happen in the blink of an eye.

I still remember falling in love with you that night holding you in the hospital. I remember how small you were and how trusting you were and how much help you needed. And, while you're so much bigger now, you're still so trusting and you still need help, although it's a different kind of help now.

I can't help feeling like we're closing the chapter on "little kid" and opening a new chapter on "big kid." The next five years will hold lots of fun, but I can't imagine how they could possible compare to the first five. Actually, you know I say that, but in reality, each time I thought that, I've been wrong. Each time, it does compare, in a different way, and in hindsight I wouldn't change it for the world. But, at the cusp, I always wonder how it could possibly compare.

I'm looking forward to the summer together. I'm looking forward to time spent on the beach building sand castles. I'm looking forward to hearing about camp. I'm looking forward to having time together to work on academics. I'm looking forward to play dates. I'm looking forward to dinner together on the roof. I'm looking forward to cuddling together with you on Friday nights. There's so much we can do together. And, then, before you know it, it'll be September and you'll be off to kindergarten.

I hope you like kindergarten as much as you've liked junior kindergarten. Unlike a lot of moms from your old school, I'm not as scared. We went through the big transition last year together - new school, new teachers, new schedule, and most importantly, new friends. And, fortunately for us, we had a great year.

P, I feel like I need to take a moment to tell you how proud I am of you. You're gentle and trusting. You're generous and kind. You're open and honest. You listen. You learn. You're adventurous. You're happy. You're smart. You're fast. You're strong. You're everything I could have ever asked for in a kid. And, I am honored to be your mom.


Love,
your mom

PS: If I seem a little sad today, it's only because I sometimes wish we could slow down time and enjoy each moment for just a little longer.

Why We Helicopter

Dear P,

I know you already have thoughts on who your Mommy is and who your Daddy is. We have personalities. We have preferences. We interact with you differently.

I want to take a moment to give you a window into a bit of who I am which may help you understand a little better why I do the things I do.

I grew up in New York City in the 70s. New York City in the 70s was a different place from New York City today. Crime was rampant. And, your grandparents were recent immigrants trying to make the best life for the family.

Recently, there's been articles about a renewed search for a child who went missing in the City. Etan Patz. He went missing when I was a child. His case and others like his must have frightened all parents in the City. The summer you were born was the summer they found Jaycee Dugard. Children go missing.

I live in fear that something like this could happen to you. That is why I insist you hold my hand. That is why we will pick you up and drop you off and not let you take the bus alone when you might think you're old enough.

I don't want to scare you by telling you there are bad people out there. But, that is why you already know your address and your phone number and why I tell you there is a difference between grown-ups you know and grown-ups you don't know and why we practice shouting for help when we read Duck Soup. Tiny tools, but what I can arm you with when you're not quite three.

There's more I want to write, but it's 6AM and your Daddy is packing your breakfast and I need to start getting ready.


Love,
Mommy

Too Much Fun

Dear P,

It's January 1, 2012. And, there are times I wish we could stop time and enjoy now for eternity. It's such a fun age with you and the only things stopping us from stopping time are the sad fact that even if we wanted to we can't and the happy fact that there have been times in the past when we've wanted to stop time and have been surprised at how much happiness the future holds.

You are at that magical juncture of growing into a little child - holding conversations and listening and learning and following directions. We sing songs together, we laugh together, we make up stories together. Yet, at the same time, you're still a cuddly toddler - giving hugs and kisses and declaring I love you and I need you in the sing song voice you have.

I know this next year will bring you one year closer to growing into a little girl, but for now, I am enjoying the sweet joy of you just the way you are.


Love,
Mommy

Happy Birthday, Sweetie

Dear P,

It's 7 AM on your birthday, and everyone is asleep. You're asleep in your crib. Daddy's asleep in green chair. Grandma and Grandpa are asleep in the basement.

You turn two today. We have a fun day planned out with breakfast - pancakes with syrup and ham with dip - one of your favorite breakfast combinations. Then, we're off to the aquarium to see fish. And, we'll eat lunch. Then, you'll nap while we wrap all of your presents. When you get up, we'll go to the park. Then, we'll stop by the hospital where you were born before going to dinner at the same restaurant we went to the day after you were born. We'll come home for cake and presents. Then, there'll be some time for play before you need to go to sleep.

We'll have pictures and a weigh in and a height check and hand and foot prints too.

I know it's a lot to squeeze into a single day. But, you only turn two once. And, the time feels like it's going faster. And, I realize, seeing your classmates, that by next year, when you turn three, you're going to be a big girl and your toddler years will be behind you.

The days go so quickly. I'm glad we get moments like today, when I can get up and come over into your room and watch you sleep. Today, you were on your side by the foot of your crib. Monkey, orange friend and froggy were by your pillow and blanket. And, I remember the days when you were born and I watched you sleep. I felt like the world could go on and I could sit there forever watching you sleep. I still feel that way.

I'm sure this upcoming year will be as much fun as the last. You'll continue to get smarter and smarter and talk about even more things. Hopefully, we have lots of time to spend in the park and at the zoo and doing puzzles and drawing sleeping monkeys and all of the little things we like to do together.

Happy Birthday, sweetie. Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you.


Love,
Mommy

New Millenia Feminist

Dear Small,

I just finished reading a book about the history of the women's movement in the 20th century. And, I didn't realize how much a product of my times I can be. And, in living through it, I somehow took for granted all the work others have done to allow me to be who I am.

I always said, if I had a child, I wanted a girl - a girl who would be free to be all that she could be unbounded by the constraints of what others say she could be based upon her gender. I wanted you to have all of the opportunities I didn't have - even if truth be told, I've had many opportunities.

I remember a book I had growing up. It was an alphabet book. And, I was for Irma. She was a telephone utility person of sorts - the picture showed her working on the telephone lines. And, without meaning any harm, your grandfather told me that women don't do jobs like that. I'm a child of the Math is Hard Barbie era. Yet, look at me now.

But, it doesn't all come for free. I remember an elementary school teacher talking about the need for financial independence - in the third grade... And, from that point on, I knew I wanted to be financially independent. I didn't want to be dependent upon anyone because I realized when you're dependent, you can't call all of the shots and I wanted control.

I can't imagine your father leaving me. And, if he did, I can't imagine him leaving me in a bind. But, then again, who can? So, emotionally, I'm very dependent on your father, but, financially, I know I could make it on my own if I ever needed to.

Which brings me to why I'm writing this letter to you. I'm biased. I want to raise you to be like me - to be strong and independent with a healthy dose of common sense. But, more importantly, I want to raise you to be you. Regardless of the choices you make, I'll love you and respect you. Just like I am a product of my history, you'll be a product of yours. And, I'm 110% okay with that.


Love,
your mommy

Baby Lullabies

Dear Small,

We've got a long drive to school, and sometimes, when you cry, I sing to you to soothe you. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But, I always give it a try.

Your Favorites

• Ba Ba Black Sheep
• Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
• The Alphabet Song
• Itsy Bitsy Spider
• Are You Sleeping?

Other Songs I Sing

• This Old Man
• Do Re Mi
• Wheels on the Bus

Originals

• Who Loves P?

At Home

• The Diaper Song
• Eating Makes You Nice and Big
• Ladybug's Melody

The time goes quickly, and it's tough to capture all of the details that make up our day to day routine.


Love,
your mommy

One Month Birthday

Dear Small,

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Small,
Happy Birthday to you.

You're one month old now,
You're one month old now,
You're one month old n-o-w,
You're one month old now.

The month's gone quickly to say the least. And, I'm sure the next month will go just as quickly. You're with your dad now, trying to go down for an afternoon nap. Hopefully he's successful and you get some rest.

I won't spend a lot of time here recapping the month since I've been trying to capture it as we go. But, I do want to say thank you for joining us. I didn't have any preconceived notions on what parenthood would be like. You've exceeded my wildest expectations.


Love,
your mommy

Night Three

Dear Small,

You're asleep and you're Daddy's downstairs bringing up dessert for me.

It's midnight and I want to capture some details on your third day with us.

Today was a lot more hectic than yesterday. Yesterday, you got to focus on the basics of setting up a routine and we had a visitor.

Today, we had to focus on getting enough food in you to keep you from losing too much more weight. And, your Daddy and I had to finalize your name for your birth certificate. And, we had to fill out all the paperwork and cover all of the discharge information to take you home. And, we had to pack everything and get it to the car. And, we took you for your first car ride from the hospital home.

I mentioned to your Daddy that I was scared going to the hospital on Sunday. And, today, I was scared bringing you home. Change is tough, Pioneer, and sometimes, it can be scary. But, we made it home in one piece.

We raced you up to your room to stay somewhat on top of your feeding schedule and you were great about eating in a new environment. Then, your Daddy, you and I crashed for a much needed nap. We woke up and you had another super feeding session. Then, I held you and we napped while your Daddy made dinner. We had dinner and then we fed you. You've been a champ about eating at home. And, your dinner was followed by a wonderful combination poopy/wet diaper. See? we're still celebrating each diaper.

Then, came the highlight of an already wonderful day. We had one of those moments when you were up and wanted to play. You had both eyes wide open (they're gorgeous, you know) and a hint of a smile on your lips. We couldn't get enough of watching you and can't wait to see those eyes again. We finally had to put you down for a nap so you wouldn't be overly tired by your next feeding. Then, we all napped again.

We just finished feeding you, and you and your Daddy are both asleep.

I had to eat a small meal with my Motrin so I'll be up for the next 15 minutes digesting before joining you both in slumber.

You were just over 48 hours old when we left the hospital today. And, the changes from yesterday to today are there if you look for the clues. Your nose cleared up although your legs remain the funniest looking legs ever with their plump, hairy thighs and then scrawny, wrinkly calves. Your feet and toes are now a bright pink instead of the grey-blue they were when you were born. I mentioned the eyes opening wide. And, today we noticed you tracking sounds with your eyes and body and turning towards certain sounds like your Daddy's voice. You've learned to use your hands as a shield, like when you cover your cheeks when I blow on them or you covered your eyes when your Daddy's camera flash bothered you.

Well, I'd better try to get another hour of sleep since we're all getting up again at 1:30.


Love,
your mommy

Night Two

Dear Small,

It's two in the morning and not a creature was stirring, except maybe a mouse.

Your Dad's asleep now. And, I think you're falling asleep. But, I'm up.

I just want to capture some thoughts and memories for you when you're older and want to know more about this time of your life.

I remember a conversation I'd have with you often "How ya doing, P?". Then, I'd wait and reply... "mmm..." You seem to respond to the mmm's now.

And, your dad would speak to you before you were born, and those sounds still soothe you now.

And, the last trimester, I was craving ice cold drinks, especially ice cold Diet Coke and Caffeine Free Diet Coke. And, you didn't like it at all. We guessed you didn't like the cold stomach on your warm butt. And, now, you scream when you feel the cold wipes when your Dad changes you.

You've got us both enchanted with the left eye open and right eye closed look, although you've had a couple of times today when you had both eyes open and that's a good look on you as well.

You've had two superstar feeds today when you latched on and ate like a champ. There was the big burp this morning that we got a good laugh out of. And, I cried tears when I made you cry. Those were your first tears and they were from frustration when I wouldn't let you unlatch. You've been a champ since then.

You've had a couple of moments today when you were awake and wanted to engage us in play time. Those are, of course, my favorite moments. You almost smile and we see the happiness in your eyes. You're a happy baby, P, and for that your Dad and I are grateful.

You had your first visitor today, P, my friend from work. She was so glad to see you and so taken with you. I know everyone will be jealous when they find out she was able to come and see you. And, of course, work related, there's the funny email. Our admin took your stats (and mine) and added some pictures and sent it to everyone. I'm sure we'll all get a good laugh out of that years from now.

Your grandma saw your pictures online tonight. And, she thinks you look like your Dad. And, your Dad thinks you look like him as well. I hope, as you grow, you look like neither me nor your Dad, but like a combination of the both of us because, ideally, I'd love for you to be the best part of both of us.

And, one last thing, you lost 7% of your body weight when they weighed you today. It's enough to worry the nurses and I hope we don't have to supplement with formula. I hope we make better progress tomorrow.

And, one more thing, when you were born yesterday, I noticed some vernix on your back before they washed you off. That must mean you had some in all of your cracks and crevices. Now, you still have lanugo on your back and your upper arms, thighs and forehead. It's cute to rub it. Your skin, it's as soft as can be imagined. I love rubbing your face against mine.

Okay, your Dad's up now as well, since you woke about 20 minutes ago with a wet diaper. So, I'm going to wrap and pretend I'm asleep so he doesn't worry.

Goodnight, P.


Love,
your mom

Vermont's Victory

Dear Small,

You'll, hopefully, be joining us soon, but hopefully not too soon.

I want to share with you my thoughts on a law that was passed this week in Vermont. The Vermont State Legislature voted to legalize same sex marriage. I know this is a controversial issue with people with strong feelings on both sides.

I support gay marriage and am happy the bill passed.

I believe everyone is entitled to equal rights and equal protection under the law. For me, that means all citizens should have equal access to government protection (e.g. Social Security benefits) and to government intervention (e.g. child support payments). It shouldn't be based on gender or gender preferences. Whether you grow up to be heterosexual or homosexual, if you find someone for you who is what your Dad is for me, I would want you to be able to celebrate that love and have it recognized by all.

Even more importantly, I would never want your happiness to be at the expense of denying someone else that same happiness.

This goes back to a previous letter. Judge people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. First, you shouldn't be judging other people's relationships. But, if you were to, judge it on the strength and health of the relationship, not race, or age, or gender, or height, or any other irrelevant criteria or circumstance.

Hope to see you soon, but not too soon.


Love,
your mom

Our Master Check List

• figure out my summer schedule
• sign up for childcare
• figure out nanny plans
• get a pediatrician
• thank you cards
• birth announcements
• pick Pioneer's middle name, if any
• Pioneer's shopping list
• take classes (3 down, 1 to go)
• hang curtains
• will/estate plan
• check life insurance
• add Pioneer to insurance plans and beneficiary info
• pack bag
• install car seat
• pre-wash Pioneer's clothes
• plan April/June weekend
• hang wall art
• figure out changing table area
• complete the "what I want to do over 12 weeks plan"
• camcorder/computer plans
• get my parents to do their research on name options

1 fewer items, slowly but surely...

The Value of Respect and of Values, and of Faith

Dear Small,

Last winter, I wrote you a letter, and I want to revisit it. A lot has changed in this past year.

A year ago, you were a thought and a wish. Now, well, you're still a thought and a wish. But, you're also a three and a half month old fetus who is growing at an amazing rate. We'll get to meet you before this time next year if everything goes according to plan.

In the past year, we elected our first Black president. And, in doing so, took an unimaginable leap forward as a nation. What seemed impossible before doesn't seem so impossible now.

And, that brings me to faith. Ultimately, if you have faith, you have confidence. If you have confidence, you have faith. They build upon themselves. And, when you lose one, you quickly lose the other. But, when you have faith and confidence then all things, even the impossible, are possible. It's what gives me enough hope to try to bring you into this crazy world we live in.

Faith in what? Some people find faith in religion. Others look inward for faith. I don't know if there's one right answer. I look to life for faith. Ultimately, you'll have to find what works for you. I have faith you will.


Love,
your mom

The Value of Respect and of Values

Dear Small,

Yesterday morning, on the train, on the way to work, I realized what the monumental responsibility we've undertaken in the decision to become your parents. There are the basics like a roof over your head, warm clothes on your back and food on the table. Then, there are things like how to ride a bike (which your father will teach you) and how to swim (which I will teach you). But, more importantly, there are values and morals and other things that are harder and more individual to the individuals and the family.

I thought about what would be the most important thing. If there was only one lesson that I could convey, what would it be? I think, for me, it's the value of recognizing and respecting people's differences. Each of us is unique. There are physical differences like our gender, our race, our ethnicity, and our age. And, there are non-physical differences like our religion, our sexual orientation, our experiences, and our beliefs. And, it's important to not pass judgment on anyone or make decisions that someone is better or worse than someone else. There's a line in a speech by Martin Luther King that summarizes it oh so well -

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

I have that dream for you, Small. And, I want you live that reality. But, more important, you need to be that reality for others. Judge others not by easy to categorize physical differences, but by harder to see individual differences. Recognize and respect those individual differences. Look beyond to see the humanity in everyone.

At the same time, it's okay to recognize and appreciate the community and kindred spirit associated with finding a circle of people with like values. It's okay to like some people more than others. Personalities will differ and you won't be friends with everyone. That's completely normal. But, never, for one instant, pass judgment on someone else for being different from you.

Now, I realize there's no chronology to this letter. We're not even sure, yet, of when you'll be joining us. And, there'll be many discussions we have about much simpler topics before we have this discussion. That's okay. It was important enough that I wanted to write about it first.


Love,
your mom

11.26.07: My First Conversation with Small

Dear Friends and Family,

This marks the first of several entries I will be writing over the next weeks/months that I won't be publishing until I can.

Today, in yoga class, I spoke to Small, directly, for the first time. I told her something like, "Small, it's your first yoga class." I think. I'm not sure, truth be told. I'm pretty sure, but not 100% sure. It's a pity I don't remember exactly. But, I'm 90% certain it's what I told her.

Which brings me to the next point I want to cover: I think I am. I'm supposed to "start" sometime between Wed and Fri with Thurs the most likely start of my next cycle. But, I haven't had any of the symptoms typically associated with PMS. Instead, I've had more frequent urination and sheer exhaustion, both potential signs of being pregnant.

The whole thing has me a little panicky, if you want me to be honest. I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure I'll be any good at it. I'm not sure if we were too rash in deciding this was a good idea. But, at this point, there's little I can do besides take my daily vitamins and wait and see.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: Cable modem was down last night, so I had to start this post in notepad and upload it Tue morning. I was irrationally annoyed about it all.