And, It's Finally Friday!

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Friday! Even if my schedule is completely topsy-turvy these days, there's still a magic associated with Friday. And, for now, I'm willing to savor that Friday feeling.

I'm optimistic that this weekend will bring good things. I've gotten a lot done on my to do list. I've had some painful discussions with Mr. mouse. I've reminded myself that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Therefore, there needs to be some end in sight to the miserable winter we've been having. I've had a conversation with P about what sets off my panic mode and we're doing better on that front. So, I've done everything in my power to set myself up for a good weekend. So, today I get to savor that Friday feeling.


Cheers!
mouse

Grinding Through the Week

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Thursday and no one died. I'll consider that a whopping success. Realistically, my decisions does not involve life or death situations. When I remind myself of that, it helps keep it all in perspective.

I made enough progress on my to do sheet this week to merit printing out a new one for the week. That felt good.

Today, I'm going to spend the morning trying to make a dent in email. Then, I'm going to P's school for a morning event. Afterwards, I'm going to pick up mail, diapers, and a couple of gift cards we need. Back home for a 1pm meeting. Back out for pick up and dance. Back home for snack and nap. A 9pm call with a colleague should round out my day.

Then, tomorrow is a little calmer. If I can make it through today then I'll be in good shape for tomorrow and the weekend. I'm already looking forward to the weekend.


Cheers!
mouse

Getting Through the Week

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Wednesday.

And, despite my case of the blues, no one's died. We're still all making it through the week. I guess that's how resilience works. You have ups and you have downs. You figure out a way to enjoy the ups and get through the downs without letting them get you too down realizing that there's always another day following the day you're in.

I'm feeling better, if not good. There's a conversation with Mr. mouse that I've been avoiding that I'll have to have. But, even knowing that I have to have the conversation is better than not knowing and feeling off kilter.

So, it's Wednesday. I'm going to try and make the most of it.


Cheers!
mouse

mouse's List

Dear Friends and Family,

In typical mouse fashion, I made a list yesterday of the things I am happy about and the things I am not happy about. Then, I sorted them into two piles, things I can control and things I can't control. The things I am happy about are so lame, it's kind of pathetic.

Happy

• a neat kitchen
• a neat bathroom
• a new book I am reading
• staying on top of my to do list
• spending time with P
• a functioning thyroid

One thing I noticed right off the bat is that, lame as the list is, all of this is under my control.

Not Happy, Not Under My Control

• the cold
• potentially owing so much in taxes, I can maybe change the situation for next year, but 2013 is what it is, nothing is going to change last year
• the relationship with Mr. mouse, we've had several discussions about it, we both agree the ball is in his court

Not Happy, Under My Control

• slow start up, I need to think of ways to get the word out
• not having time to work on start up, I need to quit old work for good if I want this to happen
• working for old work, I need to quit old work for good if I want this to happen
• when I lose it with P, I let this happen yesterday morning, I need to think about how to do this better since I know what the trigger and routine are
• not being in a real relationship, this is my choice, I am choosing to wait and see what happens with Mr. mouse

There, I have a list.

What I do with my list, I don't know. But, at least I have a list.

At a minimum, I'll continue to work on the house. I'll spend time with P. I'll think about how to manage my reaction when P triggers my panic reaction. I'll indulge my book reading happiness. Hopefully, it'll be warm soon and that'll cross one more thing off the list. I've got time this weekend to work on the start up with friends. That will, hopefully, speed things up.

And, then, there's the obvious, I need to quit old work. Why am I not quitting old work? Well, because. Having old work around makes me feel more secure in that I have my own source of cash if things go really sour. I like being financially independent. If things were better with Mr. mouse, I think I could get over this hurdle. After all, I was fine with it last summer. But, with the way things are right now, I want the security of having this job so that I can continue to work on my start up simultaneously. Without this job, I'd need to find a new job if things didn't work out with Mr. mouse. So, this is my best alternative to no agreement. My BATNA, in negotiations lingo. What's why I have not quit old work yet. Once I feel either secure in my start up or in my relationship, I think I will be in a different spot about old work.


Cheers!
mouse

02.24.14: Weekend of Waiting

Dear Friends and Family,

I had high hopes for this weekend of signing up new clients for my business. But, in the end, it was just a busy weekend with not a lot to show for it.

Saturday, P got invited to three Pump it Up parties. We declined the first because of a conflict, but headed out for parties #2 and #3. I had a great time catching up with the other parents and P had fun jumping so I would say it was a day well spent.

Sunday, we went to church. Then, I caught lunch with a friend while Mr. mouse brought P home. We cleaned up a little bit and then one of P's friends came over for a play date. The mom dropped her off, which is a first for us, and we embarked upon a three hour adventure which culminated in a serious meltdown. I'm not sure if P was tired from yesterday, or if it's two boys in school that have been upsetting her recently, or that she misses her teacher who has been out on medical leave, or if it's something deeper than that. All I know is that P spent the last hour of her play date crying with Mr. mouse in her room.

The other disappointing thing about Sunday was that I embarked upon our taxes. And, while I'm not done, the numbers right now are adding up to a serious amount of money due to the IRS. I'm not sure what we're doing wrong. After my W2, we had a good sized refund coming our way, but then after Mr. mouse's W2, if flip-flopped on us. I can only assume that means he needs to up his withholding. And, that we're probably not taking a big trip for spring break.

And, last but not least, to add salt to an already festering wound, Mr. mouse and I had dinner alone last night since P passed out early on the rug from sheer exhaustion. Honestly, I don't know where we are. Actually, I do know where we are. We're speaking to each other, but only as co-parents.

There's a part of me that remembers what it felt like to fall in love - to hear a voice speaking tender words, to see eyes light up when they see my eyes, to feel warm hands. I miss those things. I wonder how long the current situation will last. And, I wonder, if I ever fall in love again, will it be with Mr. mouse? We made it through one rough patch early on in our relationship. This time, I'm just not sure.

But, in typical mouse fashion, I'm not going to waste the day today mulling on sad things. I'm going to focus on the things I need to get done that are inside my control. I have one hour of work to do for old work. I think I'll spend the rest of my morning and day focused on new work.


Cheers!
mouse

Friday!

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Friday. I'll admit, I didn't sleep well last night. I may have to succumb and get some coffee today.

But, if I get through today and make it a productive day, then I'm set up for the weekend. So, the key to enjoying the weekend is to make today a productive day. The key to enjoying the weekend is to make today a productive day. The key to enjoying this weekend is to make today a productive day.

Okay. I am motivated.


Cheers!
mouse

Oh, I Get It

Dear Friends and Family,

I see why the week feels like a wreck. P had Monday off from class. I lost Tuesday to bad traffic and school drop-off. And, I effectively lost Wednesday to a doctor's appointment and a networking lunch. And, it's Thursday and I'm feeling discombobulated. I wonder why.

Well, hopefully Friday goes more smoothly than last week. I want a normal week back.


Cheers!
mouse

Not Making Progress

Dear Friends and Family,

It's one of those hectic mornings that always make me flinch. I've got a doctor's appointment and a networking lunch and drop-off and pick-up and I need to go to the bank and I need to drop off a dollar bill P found and I need to get my work hours in and and and...

Well. I guess I should shower and get ready for the day. It's not like any of this will happen on it's own.


Cheers!
mouse

02.18.14: One

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Tuesday and after a monster snowstorm we're headed into a new week. This weekend was a long weekend because P had off from school. However, we split it into two weekends. Saturday, we had school and a play date. Sunday and Monday, we visited friends and the dentist.

I am really looking forward to this week. It is the first week of days above freezing in over a month. P has had cabin fever and it's been making Mr. mouse and me a little stir crazy. It'll be nice to have some outdoor time.

Well, Mr. mouse had to leave for work early today. And, I have drop off, so I don't have much time to write. Until tomorrow.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: Down to one pile in the kitchen.

Three

Dear Friends and Family,

Progress. We're down to three piles. But, for progress, we also took a couple of steps back.

I need to find a home for the business cards that came in yesterday. And, P's table is a clutter of Valentine's cards from school yesterday.

Still, I optimistic we can finish the kitchen today. Then, we can move on from there to another point in the house.

But, I'll be honest, that's not what's on my mind today.

Last night, P fell asleep early and we decided to let her sleep the night. So, Mr. mouse and I had the night alone, just the two of us. And, it felt empty. Without P to fill the night, we ate a quiet dinner without a lot of conversation and then went to sleep. Well, Mr. mouse fell asleep. I think.

I came downstairs to the living room and watched the traffic go by. I wondered where we go from here. I felt so alone. Sometimes, even with all the friends and with all the outlets to communicate, you just need a moment to yourself. And, last night, watching the traffic go by, I had many of those moments.

I know relationships change. I just wonder, sometimes, where ours is headed. At one point in our relationship, I couldn't imagine life without Mr. mouse. But, last night, there was a moment where I couldn't imagine life with him. Perhaps I'll be at a point, sometime in the future, where I'm ready to talk about this. For now, I think it's just something for me to think about as I watch the traffic go by. Perhaps it's just a phase I'm going through because there's a lot of other things around me that have me blue.

I think the kitchen is me trying to exert control because sometimes I realize how much of my life is outside of my control. Silly me, as if fixing the kitchen will fix everything.


Cheers!
mouse

Because sometimes you just need to find your happy face and move on with the day.

Four

Dear Friends and Family,

Four. Four piles left. So close, but, still not zero.

1. There's a pile that needs to go into the filing cabinet.
2. There's money that needs to get deposited at the bank.
3. There's a picture frame that needs a home.
4. And, there's a file of photos that need to be scanned and imported into iphoto

There's also two oranges that need to be eaten tonight. And, two cookie pieces. And, three pieces of chocolate. But, I haven't been counting the food.

So close, but still not zero.


Cheers!
mouse

Six

Dear Friends and Family,

This morning I got through one more pile on our kitchen counter. I had a pile of things that I wanted to order for P. I ordered some of them. I changed my mind on the rest of them. I discarded the pile. I'm down to six. Progress.


Cheers!
mouse

Seven

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I had some time to dedicate to the kitchen. Instead of getting overwhelmed, I followed a cleaning method I read about. And, let's be clear, I wasn't really cleaning. I was organizing. And, let's be clear, I wasn't really organizing. I was trying to maintain the line that we had established on Friday in our perpetual kitchen war.

Anyway, back to the method. You start from one point and you just keep making your way one step at a time to the point next to you. You don't try to take in the big picture. You just look at the immediate next step and do. For me, since my kitchen is an el shape with an island, that involves starting at one end of the el, moving around the el, moving across the island, tackling P's small table, and tackling two chairs and an end table we have set up.

So, I put away all of the plastic drying randomly. I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. I cleaned the things that needed to be cleaned by hand. I sliced the bagels and put them in the refrigerator. I put away the pots. I spent the rest of the time on the island. It's down to seven discrete piles of paper from one amorphous giant pile.

And, yet, this morning, when I look, there's more random plastic drying on the counter, a food processor made it's way back onto the counter, there's random pots on the stove, and P's table has a random art project on it. Our chairs have a pile of towels on them. And, there's another random piece of paper on the end table.

I wish we could get to a point where the house maintained itself. But, sadly, I don't think I'll be there ever. I think it'll be a constant battle. There'll always be plastic to put away. There'll always be pots to put away. There'll always be dishes to cycle through. There'll always be paper to cycle through.

Still, I should focus on the positive. There's seven discrete piles on the counter. Tonight, I will tackle at least one and then there will be six.


Cheers!
mouse

02.10.14: Slow Food

Dear Friends and Family,

We had a quiet weekend planned that got even quieter when we got a note on Friday from P's school. Because of an outbreak of Fifth's Disease, we rescheduled dinner with friends who are expecting since there's a low, but measurable risk to the baby if it gets the virus.

With the calendar wide open, we spent Saturday eating with P. Honestly, I have little recollection of Saturday outside of the food. We came home and she ate lunch forever, taking a bite, signing a song, asking a silly question, and, only then taking another bite. All told, it felt like a two hour lunch. Afterwards, we played for a couple of minutes and then napped. We went out for dinner, and it was longer than lunch. It felt like a three hour dinner, with P eating a bite at a time while Mr. mouse and I sat and watched. Tables came in after us and left before us.

But, it was worth it. P had a monster weigh-in on Saturday night which she needed. She's whittling away to nothing. If she can make the weight stick, it'll be worth the time invested.

Sunday, we went to a local ice festival. P got to watch ice carving. We walked around for a little bit looking at the ice sculptures. And, P got to run which is good. With the unreal winter we've been having, there's been little to no time for outside play at school. Even on the weekends, we're loathe to take her out when the temperature is in the single digits. So, gross motor has been a trial for us. Running, even for a couple of blocks, was awesome.

We also had time on Sunday to go on several missions in P's rocket. We found a ribbon in the valley in Mars after making a map of the planet. And, we went to Saturn to find a missing ring. She wanted to go to Uranus to find a missing book, but I told her that needed to wait until another night.

It's short week this week followed by a long weekend. We've been working all weekend on a pile of papers in the kitchen. Once we get through them, the kitchen will be feel like a better place. I feel like the kitchen will be a battle each week. But, one I'm willing to fight for. Right now, we've got P's room and the kitchen under control. Let's see how many more balls we can juggle.


Cheers!
mouse

And, Then, I Woke Up

Dear Friends and Family,

There are bad days at work. And, there are BAD days at work. Granted no one dies if I have a bad day at work. But, yesterday, I felt like a little piece of me died.

I've always believed you have an obligation to speak your mind. I've also believed that you have to support the team once the team comes to a decision. It's just chaos otherwise. So, yesterday, I spoke my mind. And, frankly, the team came to a stupid decision. I'm going to support it. But, it's not one I agree with.

And, that's when a light bulb turned on in my head. I love it when light bulbs turn on. Because the light they shed on a truth that's just sitting around waiting to be discovered can be life changing. There's no "not knowing" something once you "know" it.

What do I know now?

I know that I am no longer invested in old work. I don't feel like I have anything to learn. I don't feel like I have much I am willing to give. Yesterday, it went from being a job to being a paycheck. I'm not invested enough to care enough to speak my mind. I think I'll just do.

Thanks. I needed that, desperately. Now, I can focus on my idea.


Cheers!
mouse

Thinking Like an Entrepreneur

Dear Friends and Family,

I just put together a preliminary P&L for the month of January for my new business. I definitely lost money the first two weeks. I almost broke even the following two weeks. And, in the process, I'm putting together my lessons learned for the month.

1. I need more clients. I have two clients right now. Obviously that's not a sustainable business. February will need to focus on growing sales.
2. The business can't afford any extraneous expenses. Yes, I ordered business cards, but I think I'll need those to grow sales (see above). But, the $50 I spent on ink in January seems like a luxury in retrospect. For February, I'll need to avoid the temptation to spend money on things that are not essential.
3. I need more time. I need to do things like put together a website and go through my business mail and stuff. I've been working part-time at old work. I think I may need to rethink that strategy sometime in the near future.

Still, I'm happy. I did better in January than I thought I would. I'm jazzed.


Cheers!
mouse

What to Do with Today

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Wednesday. I'm torn on what to try to accomplish today.

Mr. mouse and I both have bad colds. P is a little sick. It's snowing. It's going to be one of those days. I can feel it now.


Cheers!
mouse

Epic Fail. Mouse Needs a New Computer

Dear Friends and Family,

I probably need a new computer. There's too many things that take too long on this one. But, I'm loathe to spend the money right now on a new computer. And, most of the times I trade the inconvenience of downloads for the perceived inconvenience of transitioning computers.

Like this morning.

I just spent 30 minutes trying to download photos from P's school website. And, in the past 30 minutes I've downloaded zero photos. Yep. Zero. I have rebooted my computer twice. And, now I leave for work frustrated. I'll have to make up time because I won't get my hours in. I'll have to deal with more traffic. And, I don't have anything to show for it.

It's going to be one of those days. I can feel it. Lovely.


Cheers!
mouse

02.03.14: Hello February

Dear Friends and Family,

It's February. Wow. One month into the new year.

We had a great weekend.

Saturday was a little hectic. We woke to find out school was cancelled. P and Mr. mouse went shopping for birthday presents while I got some work done at home. Then, we headed out for a birthday party with one of P's friends from her old school. We met up with a friend for dinner before heading home for the evening. We went to our favorite Korean restaurant which was packed to the gills for the new year.

Sunday was less hectic, but no less busy. We woke up to a glorious winter day. We went to a birthday party for one of P's friends from her new school. I really am glad I like the parents as much as I do. Then, we headed out for some sledding. The weather couldn't have been better and the snow was perfect for donuts. P went down more times than we could count. And, she begged to stay longer. But, when we got to the car we realized her hands and feet were like ice. It's probably a good thing we came in when we did. We met up with more friends for dinner. This time it was at their house. We had a Romanian feast while watching the Super Bowl.

And, now, it's Monday. P's room is still clean and my to do list is manageable. I'm happy.


Cheers!
mouse