Driving and Driving

Dear Journal,

It's been a god awful week traffic-wise. It seems like every street is clogged with either road construction or building construction or cars trying to avoid the construction.

And, it brings out the absolute worst in all of us. It's every driver for himself. There's no community. There's no sharing. It's a pure selfish, narcissistic race where a second you shave off your travel time comes at the expense of a second getting added to someone else's time. And, nobody cares about anyone else's time. That second is totally worth it because it's M-I-N-E.

And, that's where road tripping is so different. The road is not a competition of inches and seconds. And, the people we meet, absolute strangers, let us into their community with no reason to share besides the fact that time isn't something they hoard the way we do. They're generous with their time wanting to get to know you and hear your stories. And, it makes me realize, much as I love living where I do, I hate driving where I do.

There are days I'd much rather be on the road.


Cheers!
mouse

Why I Think We Could Have a President Trump in November

Dear Journal,

It scares me to no end, but I do believe there's a better than even chance that come election night in November Trump is going to win and we're going to wondering how we got here.

First, there's the Republican party loyalists who are angry at the world after 8 years of an Obama presidency. They're going to go out and vote for whoever the Republican nominee is regardless.

Then, there's a world full of closet racists who have a bone to pick with the world because they don't like <insert pet peeve group here> and want a president who's going to do something about it.

Then, there's a world full of closet sexists who for whatever reason don't want a woman in the White House. Yep, in their heart of hearts they can justify why the presidency is a man's job.

That takes care of all of the people with an agenda.

Then, there's the "anybody but Hillary" people who will either vote for Trump or will stay home. Same difference.

And, last but not least, there's the angry people who want a political revolution and if they can't have Sanders will vote for Trump.

Put it all together and you can see why I'm scared. I'll vote. But, I'm not confident I'll be happy with the way things turn out.


Cheers!
mouse

The Other Things That Continues to Stay with Me

Dear Journal,

Yesterday, I mentioned two things continue to stay with me from my two fabulous trips this past spring. The first I wrote about yesterday. The second is an app I want to build. There's a bunch of stuff floating through my head about what it'll do.

I'll write some of it down on paper and then I think I'll build a paper mock up of it. Then, I think I'll be in a better spot to see if it's something worth pursuing. At the very least, building the paper mock up will be fun. So, I'll continue working on it and see if goes anywhere.


Cheers!
mouse

Tasks that Spark Joy and Tasks that Don't

Dear Journal,

Many things have already faded from my two fabulous trips this past spring, but two things continue to stay with me. One is that life is too short for bullshit. So, when I came back I started reevaluating my to do list. And, now, I have a thought process.

1. Does this task spark joy? e.g. coffee with a friend. Okay, let's do it!
2. If it doesn't spark joy, what are the ramifications if it doesn't get done? Like, does really bad stuff happen? e.g. get gas. Okay, let's put on our big boy pants and get it done.
3. Next on the list, doesn't spark joy, no major ramifications... Does it take a lot of time? No? e.g. scheduling a swim make up. Okay, keep the big boy pants on and get it done.
4. The craptastic stuff comes last. Doesn't spark joy. No major ramifications if it doesn't get done. Takes a boatload of time. Seriously. Yes, those tasks existed in my world. e.g. fixing the AM radio on our car. This is where life is different now. Those tasks. The ones that bring no joy, have no ramifications if they don't happen, and take lots of time. Those tasks? They just don't get done now. Not only do they not get done.

I cross them off of my list so I'm no longer dragging them around month to month with a guilty conscience that whispers into my ear that that task needs to be attended to. Nope. Gone.

What's on the docket for today?

1. weigh in: the number doesn't bring joy, but seeing it go down week to week does
2. flonase: doesn't bring joy, but being allergy free does
3. coffee with Steve: joy
4. no eating until 11 am: not joyful, but seeing the weigh in number go down is
5. meeting at school: joy
6. pick up P: joy
7. dance class: I get to see my girlfriend, we're playing Room 3, joy
8. parent watch week: J-O-Y!!!
9. clear kitchen counters: takes 5 minutes now that it's under control
10. emails: took 10 minutes this morning
11. clean bathroom cups: because they get gross if we don't run them through the dishwasher on some regularity

See, not so bad. Much better than sitting at a car dealership getting the AM radio looked at.


Cheers!
mouse

Why I Watch My Kid

Dear Journal,

We were at Mr. mouse's reunion this weekend and I noticed something I wanted to write about. They had a kids' tent set up with face painting and balloon animals and caricature drawing and chicken tenders and a kids' entertainer. He told jokes. He juggled. He clowned around. He kept the kids occupied and entertained.

Some kids gave the entertainer his space and watched and laughed and raised their hands when he asked for volunteers. Other kids rummaged through his bag even after he repeatedly asked them not to. The same kids crowded him even after he repeatedly asked them not to. The same kids interrupted him even trying to catch things he was in the middle of juggling even after he repeatedly asked them not to.

Wow, how can parents so completely abdicate their responsibility as caregivers? It's our job to make sure our children are behaving themselves. I know with near absolute certainty that I could have left P unattended and she would have continued to behave. In fact, she got mad when I pulled her over to remind her that I expect her to behave even when other kids are clearly misbehaving. She gets mad at me because it insults her when I remind her - like I think she's capable of being that rude.

But, then, in an odd way, it makes sense. I can leave her unattended because I rarely do leave her unattended. She's learned what's acceptable because I step in when she crosses the line. By the same logic, the kids that can't be left unattended are the ones that have always been left unattended. They've never learned what's acceptable because their parents haven't stepped in when they've crossed the line.

Parents rarely tend to leave little kids alone because it's not safe. But a combination of factors kick in as the kids grow older. One, they can take better care of themselves so you worry less about their safety. And, two, convenience and laziness kick in. At some point, you want to be able to have adult conversations and it's just easier to let "kids be kids" than it is to keep that close of an eye on them.

But you can't. Not until your kid is truly ready. And, it's your job as a parent to persevere until your child is ready. That means if at 15 they still can't resist trying to grab the juggler's bowling pin, you need to be there at 15, ready to whack them upside the proverbial head when they try to grab the bowling pin.


Cheers!
mouse

Being a Mom

Dear Journal,

I had a sad dream a couple of weeks ago. P and I were at some screening point and we were getting ready to go to some destination that had restrictions on what you can bring. But, in my dream, the restrictions didn't make a lot of sense. So, lots of people packed lots of things that weren't allowed and they had to go through each of our bags one at a time taking out the things that weren't allowed. The person in front of me had all sorts of stuff and her inspector was letting all sorts of stuff go that shouldn't have been allowed.

Well, she took so long, I missed the bus so P went off without me. And, I was stuck worrying about P since I wasn't there to watch over her. And, I was stuck wanting to be with her. And, I saw the pile of stuff that got pulled from P's bag. And, it looked like she had a super strict inspector who pulled all sorts of stuff from her bag. A lot of it was innocent stuff that she just couldn't explain to the inspector since she was the youngest one on the tour. And, I was sad for P that I didn't get to say goodbye.

But, in my dream, I realized she would be okay. She's resilient and resourceful and generally inclined to happiness and optimism. And, I woke up feeling sad and anxious and happy at the same time. I guess that's what being a mom is about.


Cheers!
mouse

Why I Am Writing Again

Dear Journal,

Why am I writing again?

Well, because I'm hoping it will help me think through and work through all the stuff in my head. And, I'm hoping it'll also help me capture memories. And, last but not least, because I hope it'll bring a measure of calm and routine back into my life.

Before you think all is gloom and doom in the mouse pad, let me reassure you, it's not. I'm actually in a pretty good spot all things considering. But, that's only because I've been working at happiness. I've been purposefully jettisoning a lot of the things that could annoy me. And, that, I think is the secret to all of this. If it doesn't bring happiness, find a way to eliminate it from your life.

Before I left on my road trip, my task list average 14 items per day. Now, it's down to 8. And, the 6 items I took off, they're things that either brought no joy or, even worse, annoyed me. That's close to half my day! Goodbye and good riddance.

And, that, is why I'm writing again. Because in addition to everything else I've mentioned, it makes me realize I'm making progress.


Cheers!
mouse

Seven Years

Dear Journal,

It's Wednesday, May 11th today. P turns seven today. And, for the first time we won't be together on her actual birthday moment. She'll be in school and we'll be going about our afternoon. One more step in the continual move towards independence.

A lot has changed in this past year. When I see pictures of P now compared to pictures of her a year ago, it's clear. Somewhere in the past year, we crossed over from little kid to kid. It's not just the hair. She hasn't grown much more than an inch. She hasn't put on more than a pound or two. I can still easily carry her. She still gets shoulders.

It's her face and her attitude that have changed. She's still a kid with lots of kid questions. But, she's not a little kid. She's logical. She draws inferences. She draws from memory and experience. She interpolates and extrapolates. She remembers. She helps. She comforts. She supports. She has preferences. She has friends. She makes jokes and plays pranks. She is kind. She is loving. She has a personality. She is so much more than I could have imagined seven years ago.

So, we celebrate. And, I couldn't be prouder of the kid we have in our family. I wonder what the next year will bring.


Cheers!
mouse

12:07:15: Monday Morning

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Monday and it's foggy out. There's a bunch of stuff I should probably work on getting done today, but I think I'll start with writing.

Friday ballooned into a long evening. It started with a phone call to schedule a doctor's appointment that grew into a visit to the immediate care unit that ballooned into a visit to the emergency room that almost exploded into getting admitted for observation. Fortunately, the emergency room doctor gave me to choice of going home for the evening if I promised to call my primary care physician first thing Monday morning.

I felt okay. The test results were all normal. And, I didn't want a hospital stay on my record unless it was for something I really couldn't get out of, so we opted to go home for the evening. Now, I'm on hold with my doctor's office because the first available appointment is for 12/17 which isn't what the emergency room doctor had in mind when she sent me home.

Saturday, I went to a funeral. I'm not going to lie. It sucked. It was for a friend who passed away unexpectedly. He was Mr. mouse's age. This is the third time I've had to say good-bye to someone I considered an age peer. It sucks. The first time sucked the most.

Saturday evening, we tried to get into the Christmas spirit. We bought our tree. We put up our lights. We went to bed exhausted.

Sunday, we finished the tree. Mr. mouse took P grocery shopping. We went to see the Nutcracker. We went to bed on time.

Today, I'd like to get through a pile of papers that has been building up. I need to continue to make progress on the living room. There's Christmas cards and our party invite that both need to get sent off. I should shower and get ready for the day.


Cheers!
mouse

Thursday Morning

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Thursday morning. I am sitting in the living room. It's cloudy outside so while I have some natural light, more than any other room in the house, I'm definitely supplementing with artificial light. Still, even without a ton of light, with the progress I've made on getting rid of stuff, it's still currently my favorite room in the house.

I think there's a couple of things going on. I've definitely made progress in restoring order to the room. And, hopefully, I'll continue to make progress. But, I think there's more to a room than what you can see.

Some people will think I'm crazy, but I frankly don't care.

Sometimes I feel like a room needs a spiritual cleaning. I've been in bad rooms. They feel heavy and stagnant and dead. I think by spending time in the living room this past week both during the day when I'm home and in the evenings with Mr. mouse after P's asleep, we've also been slowly cleaning the room spiritually. The forlorn, forgotten, empty feeling is leaving the room and it's gotten a different vibe to it. This morning, P joined me on the couch while Mr. mouse got breakfast ready. I think she feels the difference in the room and I think the room appreciates her coming down to add her joy to it too.

I know. Crazy. I don't care.

This morning I deflated a small inflatable corporate tchotchke and sent it back to work with Mr. mouse. It doesn't need a home in our home. That cleared up enough space for me to move two empty shelves off of the floor and into the shelf, which minus any flashed of brilliance is its proper home in our home. I could throw them out, but for now I'd rather give them a home on the shelf. So, little things to continue to restore order to the living room.

I'm purposefully holding myself to one thing a day. I'll continue to spend time in the living room and hopefully it'll continue to become even better.


Cheers!
mouse

Wednesday Morning

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Wednesday and the snow has stopped and I am sitting in my living room wondering where I should begin.

I'll begin by talking about why I'm sitting in my living room. I noticed this year that I was spending almost my entire day sitting at my kitchen island at my computer. I also noticed that the best room in the house from a lighting perspective is the living room. It has a large window that faces south and because we live on a corner light from the east also streams in through the window. I love natural light from the south and from the east. It's my favorite light. The kitchen, on the other hand has a small window that faces north and four very bright LED lights. The LED lights help, but it's not the same as sunlight.

But, the living room was and to a degree still is just a nightmare. Mr. mouse has been helping clear out the clutter and it's now manageable enough that I don't get depressed sitting in my living room. There's still work to be done and I've made it a point to try and do one thing every day to continue the progress. My first goal is to tackle all of the stuff on the floor. There's still a bunch of stuff on the floor for me to tackle so I'm going to try and not get ahead of myself and think of what to tackle when the floor is clear. I'll just consider it a major accomplishment to get the floor clear.

I could try and catch up on what I've been doing the past month. I could try and explain why I've been a hot mess. But, I won't. I'm going to try and get back in the routine of writing because I think it helps me keep perspective. But, I'm not going to feel overwhelmed by the past and all of the stuff I didn't cover. Instead, I'm going to end now and sit in my living room and think.


Cheers!
mouse

Yawn...

Dear Friends and Family,

It's not a morning for half-caf coffee. P tossed and turned around 2 and I woke up briefly to make sure she was okay. Then, Mr. mouse's alarm went off around 3 and I woke up briefly. Then, my alarm went off around 4:15 and I brewed a fully leaded cup of coffee. I think as long as I get my day started in the next 30 minutes I'll be okay.

The only wrench in the morning is cleaning P's arm. She has a blister on it from some medicine the dermatologist put on it Monday night and we need to clean it this morning. Other than that, it's a standard morning. I think I'll go get started so we're not too rushed.


Cheers!
mouse

10.05.15: Weekend Experiences

Dear Friends and Family,

Mr. mouse and I had a fundamental difference on what we wanted to do Saturday night. I wanted to go out to an earlier dinner with a smaller group of parents. He wanted to go out to a later get together with a larger group of parents. It seemed like he may have been okay going to the earlier dinner, but I inadvertently made it a moot point when I asked one of the parents if she wanted a ride to dinner so we didn't need to look for two parking spots at dinner. It a moot point because I knew, but forgot for a moment, that she wanted to go to both. So rather than let it get all awkward, we went to both. I figured at that point it wasn't worth fighting since I knew Mr. mouse wanted to go and I was the one that had offered the ride.

Well, when all was said and done we spent $116 on the evening's entertainment. I had fun, but I'm not sure I had $116 worth of fun.

I've come to realize Mr. mouse and I have more fundamental differences that matter. We tripped across one on Friday night too. I'm not sure if I've changed or if he's changed or if we've changed. In the past, I think it mattered less to us what we were doing as long as we were doing it together because sometimes when you're hanging with your best friend you're happy just because you're hanging with your best friend. But, now, it seems different. I guess now we're pickier about what we want to do. Perhaps it's because when the event is the primary purpose of going then you get more thoughtful on the event. And, well your companion, in some instances, is the person you showed up with and the one you left with, but isn't necessarily the reason you went.

On a positive note we had crepes Sunday night with P, but I'm still sad we couldn't get to agreement on Saturday. It makes me realize that things are different now.


Cheers!
mouse

Piles of Paper, Continued

Dear Friends and Family,

I spent another hour today compiling P's binder and there's still a pile left to add to the binder that is bigger than the binder itself. I've come to conclude she's got too much stuff and we're going to have to cull some of it. My goal is to have one large binder for kindergarten. That feels like it's more than fair. It'll give her a keepsake which is the real goal of keeping any of it. I keep telling myself the goal is to have something any of us can look through in the future to remember kindergarten and we don't need every sheet of paper to accomplish that goal. I'll spend another hour tomorrow and hopefully feel like I make some more progress. Realistically, it should be 45 sheets per month to fit. That's my new goal.


Cheers!
mouse

Piles of Papers

Dear Friends and Family,

I spent an hour of my morning trying to get P's kindergarten papers under control. And, after an hour, I'll be honest, the pile doesn't look any smaller. I guess tomorrow morning I can try spending another hour and see if it's any better. On the one hand, I love having her creations, but on the other hand, I wish she'd generate less of it. So far, first grade is under control. I'm really trying to stay on top of first grade. Otherwise, it'll just be another pile of papers I need to work through next fall.


Cheers!
mouse

Back Under Control

Dear Friends and Family,

After neglecting essentially everything for the summer, I feel like my life has some semblance of control again. My email inbox is back to five unanswered emails. I paper pile is under an inch tall and I know what is in it. My calendar is up to date. The kitchen island is clear.

How did I let the summer happen to me? I know where a lot of the summer went. A lot of the summer went to planning our vacation. The rest of the summer went to walking. And, a piece went to playing with P and solving her eczema. Was it all worth it? I guess. But, I'm glad to be back in control of my life again.

Time to get ready for my day.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: Mr. mouse and I had a second night of crepes and wine. I've decided I like crepes and wine for dessert.

09.28.15: Strip, Wash, Paint, Apply Second Coat

Dear Friends and Family,

Mr. mouse apologized on Saturday morning and it was enough to get us through the day. We had it out Saturday night and tried to make amends last night. I'm calm enough to go forward with whatever it is we have now. I feel like each time we fight something more dies in the relationship, but like a plant that limps along, I don't have the heart to throw it out until the last leaf has withered and fallen.

We used Saturday to take on a project we had delayed forever. We repainted the stairs in front of our house. This involved stripping off the old paint, cleaning the stairs, and then applying two coats of new paint. It looks amazing, like a giant multi-tiered chocolate cake. I can't wait for it to be fully dried/cured.

And, now it's Monday. I've got a pile of papers I need to get through.


Cheers!
mouse

Butterflies and Sunshine and Wild Flowers

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I had coffee with an amazing friend who reminded me that there is so much good in the world if we just open our eyes and look around. The weather was great. I caught three buses in a row to make it home in record time after coffee. And, I had a great time last night when we got to visit P's classroom.

See. I did find something positive to write about.

Last night I asked Mr. mouse if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Nope. Really? Nope? Are you sure? Yep. Nothing constructive to say right now.

What am I feeling right now? I feel like I was lied to. I feel like trust was broken. I feel like he's not sorry he was caught in a lie. I feel like he's annoyed that I'm making an issue of this. If only I didn't care about trust and feeling taken advantage of then this wouldn't be an issue and we could move on like nothing happened. Well, I can't move on. I'm sorry. When I get to this point, there is no moving on like nothing happened.

It makes me question lots of things. And, honestly, P is such a big part of it. If it were just the two of us, I feel like I would move on and potentially out. We could split the assets and both continue to find our paths in life. But, with P the picture changes in ways I can't really get my arms around. I can't imagine what it would do to her, emotionally, if her mom and dad split up. I do know it will impact her financially. And, statistics say it isn't just the immediate financial hit, it puts her in a different bucket altogether where the odds just aren't as much in her favor anymore. But, I also hate the idea of her watching what we have and concluding that this is what a successful marriage looks like because it isn't. This isn't it. And if this is what she has in the future, I will be a little sad for her. There is a part of me that wants her to see two happy adults because she can learn a lot from that happiness too.

I guess for now I have one decision with three choices I need to wrap my head around. I can do nothing. I can try to fix the relationship. I can decide the relationship is not worth fixing and essentially end it. I think I will take the Buddhist route and wait until the right answer feels right. I do know one thing, I will not try to fix anything until Mr. mouse makes an active effort to acknowledge what happened and to address it. But, I know he won't unless I prompt him to. And, honestly, after last night I have no desire to prompt him to. So, in reality, fixing the relationship is not a real option. That leaves do nothing and walking away. Lots to think about.


Cheers!
mouse

Round the Block Again

Dear Friends and Family,

Sometimes you go around the block and notice new things and wonder how it is you never noticed them before. And, sometimes you go around the block and wonder why you even bothered. And, sometimes you go around the block even if you don't want to because you're along for the ride.

Mr. mouse and I are going around the same old tired block again. I am so tired of it. I am so very tired. I am too tired to be angry. I am too tired to care. I am too tired to want to try and fix it. I am too tired. Or perhaps I am too smart. I am too smart to be angry. I am too smart to care. I am too smart to want to try and fix it. I am too smart. Because this isn't the first time we've been around this block. And, I've concluded this won't be the last time. We'll be around this block again.

I can't pinpoint the event, but sometime in the last six years Mr. mouse seems to have lost all respect for me. I am no longer logical. I am not a good decision maker. I am not a good listener. I am not a good speaker. He doesn't care if he hurts my feelings. He doesn't care if I get angry. He's always exasperated with me.

I'm done trying to force a grown adult to respect and love me. I'm done trying to show I am worthy of love and respect. I shouldn't need to convince someone I am worthy of love and respect. I feel done. Because sometime in the last six years I've lost reciprocating the love and respect that was the bedrock of our relationship. I'm not sure if it is because I am too tired or it is because I am too smart. Or perhaps it is because I love and respect myself too much to want to continue.

And, I'm not sure where that leaves us. What is a relationship without mutual love and respect? I spent a lot of time thinking about this yesterday morning and came up with no good answers. I know we've hit low points in our relationship before that didn't seem salvageable and through miracles I still don't understand we found love again. But, honestly, this feels different. I don't care. I don't think he cares.

Something to think about.

Sorry to unload all of this. Tomorrow I'll write about butterflies and sunshine and wild flowers.


Cheers!
mouse

09.21.15: Apple Picking

Dear Friends and Family,

It's September and we went apple picking. It was a beautiful day out. The apples were bountiful. We played afterwards in the play area and a corn maze and a corn pit. And, we ended the day watching pig races and winning a cookie eating contest. It couldn't have been hokier.

Then, Sunday was a jumble of errands and a birthday party. And, now it's Monday and I have drop-off duty this morning because Mr. mouse is stuck with work this morning. I've got the radio playing. I'll give P five more minutes before I get her ready.

Happy Monday.


Cheers!
mouse