10 Weeks and a Day

Dear Friends and Family,

It's getting real. Ten weeks left and each week seems to have something to look forward to.

I was thinking some more about this this morning. I'm excited about little things like getting our house in order. I would love a house that is in order again. I had it in my apartment in 1994. I'd love to have it in my house in 2014. It'll take work, but I'm truly excited about the thought of it. I'm also excited about spending time cooking. I know you must be so tired of listening to me. Well, I hate to warn you, I've probably got 10 more weeks of this.

I know! Be excited for me.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: We went to a school event for P's new school yesterday. All of the people seemed normal. That felt good.

Life Lessons

Dear Friends and Family,

I wonder what happens when parents don't teach their children. Then, when the children become parents, they can't teach their children. And, when those children become parents... Well, the cycle just perpetuates. Until, something breaks the cycle, right?

My parents never taught me the first thing about money. I knew you needed to work to earn money to spend, but that was about it. My first boss and the colleagues at my first job taught me about money. I hope to teach P about putting together a budget and living within her means and saving for retirement and all of the things I learned through fortuitous luck.

My parents never taught me about nutrition. They were immigrants coming from a childhood of war. Food was hard earned. Calories were a blessing. Obesity was unheard of. A little bit of plump was a sign of wealth. Fast forward several decades to this land of plenty, and I needed to spend a lot of time learning about nutrition. P's decent with her fruit. She's pretty poor with her vegetables. She's great with her milk. I hope to teach her about nutrition and more importantly about cooking. My parents never had time to cook. We've turned into people who never have time to cook. Once I leave work, I'm looking forward to having time to cook.

I'm sure there are more lessons to be taught and learned. But, just thinking about my own childhood, those are two I want to pass on to P.


Cheers!
mouse

Perhaps I Should Quit Now

Dear Friends and Family,

I feel like 2013 will be another one of those waiting years. We're already well into 2013. I'm slowly, or not slowly, winding or not winding my way down at work. By the time P starts school, it'll be September which means the year will be winding down as well.

Tomorrow night I get to gauge my progress against retirement savings. Perhaps that'll cheer me up. Okay, now, that's just weird.


Cheers!
mouse

05.28.13: Soggy and Cold Memorial Day Weekend

Dear Friends and Family,

Saturday, I slept until 11:30 in the morning. It felt fabulous.

Then, we went to back to back birthday parties. The first for one of P's friends, the second for one of P's friend's mom. Both were tons of fun. Both were outdoors. The only thing not cooperating was the weather. It was cold and wet. But, we managed to stay dry and enjoy ourselves.

Sunday, I went to church. We watched F1 Monaco. Um. I don't remember where the rest of the day went.

Monday, we went to the museum and played with corn and saw the Ancient Egypt exhibit. We packed a picnic lunch and saved money and ate healthier. I like spending time with P. She was pretty sad last night. She wanted more stay at home days. At some point I will be able to tell her that she'll have lots of stay at home time in the future. But, I haven't told her yet.

We spent a lot of time on Sunday and Monday reenacting parts of the party. P play acted the pinata scene with some streamers and a roll of wrapping paper. She play acted grabbing all of the candy with some pimmels (packing material) we got in a package. She play acted the blindfolded pin the tail on the donkey and even let us spin her. I think these things let her internalize her experience so that it's not all foreign when she encounters it again at another party.

It was just too much fun.


Cheers!
mouse

Friday, Glorious Friday

Dear Friends and Family,

I think once I'm not working, I'm going to spend a lot more time doing purposeful stuff. And, sadly, it's not because work takes up so much time. It's that I spend so much time driving. And, driving takes up so much energy.

I'm looking forward to eating breakfast on the kitchen island. It'll be the same breakfast I eat today. But, it'll still be different. Instead of eating it out of an Tupperware container with a spare fork, I can eat it out of a beautiful glass bowl with one of our real forks. Instead of eating in an institutional cubicle, I can eat in a beautiful home. Instead of reading emails, I can read a book. See? So much better.

I'm going to be very deliberate about my habits. I think I'll come home from school drop-off, load the washer, unload the dishwasher, and then have breakfast. That way, I'll already be mentally "started" on my day when I'm done with breakfast. And, I'll have reinforced to myself that food isn't the first priority, it's something to be enjoyed it its own due time.

And, after breakfast? Um. Give me a bit to think about that. I'll think of something in the next eleven weeks.


Cheers!
mouse

Thursday, Yeah!

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I gave yesterday my all.

Today, I'll give today my all.

Tomorrow, I will give tomorrow my all.

Then, it'll be the weekend and I'll be coming back to a short week. And, that'll be eleven weeks left, but who's counting?


Cheers!
mouse

Wednesday, Hump Day

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Wednesday.

If I get through today, then the weekend is one day closer.

My day today is packed with meetings. I wish I had more desk time to actually get things done.

Then, again, why do I care?

I care because I still have 12 weeks left which means I need to keep my head in the game. I care because I want to leave on good terms. I care because I take personal pride in what I do. I care because anything can happen and I want my flexibility.

Mouse is not a coaster. Do, or do not. There is no try.

Time to get ready for work.


Cheers!
mouse

Twelve Weeks and Counting

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Tuesday.

Work is getting interesting to watch. There's a smell of panic in the air and more and more of our moves smell of desperation. If I were an engaged employee, I'd be looking for the life boat right about now. But, I'm not, so I'm not. I'm perfectly willing to stay the course for some number of weeks and then leave.

Interestingly, several recruiters are beginning to reach out about positions. I'm curious enough about the local ones to consider the conversation. The ones that require relocation have a higher bar. We'd have to relocate the family which now involves uprooting Mr. mouse and his work and uprooting P and her school. It'd be nice if schools had reciprocal relationships with other schools. Then, moving would be easier. But, I suppose getting into school if your child isn't in would get even more difficult. Scratch that.

I'm curious to see what today will bring. We take ditch to ditch driving to a new level.


Cheers!
mouse

05.20.13: Birthdays, Check

Dear Friends and Family,

We flew down for my nephew's first birthday. P had fun going to the beach, coloring a piggy bank, and playing with my mom and brother. I had a good time catching up with my sister. We avoided the intervention with my brother because out of nowhere my mom claims that money is not a problem.

Sigh.

My sister decorated the house to a tee. She cooked up a storm. She made butter cream transfers by hand. And, outside of family, only three people came to the party. Two people stopped by for about 15 minutes at the beginning. And, after they left, one person came for about an hour. Both from my brother-in-law's work.

I think my sister needs to develop a network. She needs people to relate to. I'd get serious cabin fever in the same situation. I've strongly encouraged day care. Perhaps I should have strongly encouraged the ones where the parents stay with the kids so that she can meet other caregivers.

Still, it was great seeing my nephew and my sister and my brother-in-law and his parents and my brother. My mom was there too, but since we had her for a week alone, that didn't feel like as much of a treat.


Cheers!
mouse

Our Money

Dear Friends and Family,

Last night I realized how fortunate I am. My sister and her husband have a very different money dynamic than Mr. mouse and I do. She stays home to take care of my nephew and to keep the house from falling apart. Her husband works. In their household she defers to him on money decisions. Right, wrong, or indifferent, that's the dynamic they've fallen into.

Perhaps it's because we've been together for so long I can't imagine trying to figure out my money from our money. Perhaps it's because we both came in with roughly the same situation, he had more credit card debt, I had more student loans, but it seemed close enough for us. Perhaps it's because I've worked as hard as Mr. mouse had and I've contributed financially to the pool. Perhaps it's because I'm me and Mr. mouse is Mr. mouse and we just have a different dynamic, but it would never occur to me to defer to Mr. mouse on money decisions. It would be a foreign concept for us. I think.

Because, we do defer to each other. We don't make decisions in isolation. Like, I discussed leaving work and taking time off with Mr. mouse, made sure we were both okay with that decision. I discussed starting a new business and made sure we were both okay with that decision. It's not like I need his permission, it's just that I would expect the same if the tables were turned.

Perhaps that's it. Perhaps it's coming across as deferral, but it's a joint decision on my sister's part too. I hope so. I like feeling like the money decision making authority in our family is split evenly.


Cheers!
mouse

One Small Step

Dear Friends and Family,

I think I may be turning into a conservative. I'm still for marriage equality. I'm still pro-choice and anti-gun, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm a little more conservative than I was even a couple of days ago.

I'm don't know where you draw the line in the sand about at-fault and not-at-fault. I'm okay with not-at-fault people getting aid, temporary aid or even permanent aid. I'm beginning to be not okay with not-at-fault people getting aid. Why should I need to work my duff off to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves? Not at fault? I'm willing to chip in. That's being humane.

It's a fuzzy line, but one I'm beginning to think more about. And, it all started with my mom saying she's getting a job to support my brother. After much conversation with my sister and with Mr. mouse I landed on the fact that I'm okay with my mom getting a job if that's the choice she makes. I'd prefer for her to kick my brother out, but if she can't, then it should be her free choice to get a job to support him if she wants to. I shouldn't judge her for her choice. Nor should I feel like I need to contribute to a bad situation and enable it further. This is their decision to make - my mother's and my brother's, not mine nor my sister's.

But, it leads to more questions. Why isn't my brother able to work? He's 33. He's in good health. He can claim he's a student, and that he works in the hospital during some portion of the year. But, why can't he work during the rest of the time? Are there no jobs? None at all? Or it is something else? I feel like it's something else.

My sister told me she's offered to help him become an x-ray tech. It pays good money. But, apparently, it isn't prestigious enough for my brother. And, apparently, living at home off of mom and dad is? It's twisted logic at best. And, why can't he get a job, some job, any job, even if it's a sad job that pays minimum wage? Why can't he get that job? If there's zero jobs to be had, then, I guess my perspective would be different. But, I know there are jobs. I just believe there are jobs. There must be jobs, if only he were willing to look and to take one.

Then, there's the question of the mountain of debt he's taken on in pursuing his dream. How's he going to pay that off? Those student loans would wipe out most of my parents' savings and I'm certainly not willing to take them on. I feel like my brother should be a functioning member of society and needs to take some personal responsibility for his actions. If he can't, then I don't feel like, we, as a society, owe him. Do we owe him shelter or food or medicine? I'm not sure. It sounds cruel, but I'm just not sure anymore.

Time for more navel gazing.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: I also am beginning to think not-at-fault people should give up some rights to receive permanent aid. I'm not sure how or why, but I'm beginning to think that way.

Who's to Blame? And, More Importantly, What Do We Do Now?

Dear Friends and Family,

My mom's thinking about getting a job. When she first told me that she said it was to get out of the house because she needs some space from my father. Then she told me it's also to make ends meet. Then she told me that it's tough to make ends meet with my brother still living at home.

Who's to blame when children fall short of expectations? Is it the parents fault for poor parenting? Is it ultimately the kid's fault once they're an adult? I'm not sure. All I know is that my 33 year old brother isn't pulling his weight. My mom is seriously contemplating getting a job because he lives at home.

Now, I can come up with a million and one reasons why my 33 year old brother lives at home. My parents aren't good parents. He never learned how to be a functioning adult. But, then, my sister and I turned out okay. My brother's in med school, but he's been in and out of school for what seems like forever. He's waiting to next March to match. Was it his fault he didn't match last spring? Or was it bad luck? Am I losing patience right when the end is in sight? Or is this one more year on a train to nowhere? How do I feel when my mom says things like he's just like your dad?

Most importantly, can I really let my parents be short of money? Should I let my mother get a job? If it were really just to get out of the house, I'd be all for it. But, if it's really just to make ends meet, then I'm not sure I'm for it. Should P go to private school ahead of my mother having food on the table? The answer seems like it should be no. Should I "retire" and take some time off ahead of my mother having food on the table? The answer seems like it should be no.

But, then, I ask myself, should P not go to private school after our crazy year of getting her into school so that my 33 year old brother can slough off? The answer seems like it should be no. Should I work and let me health teeter in the balance and let me house fall slowly apart and have no time for myself so that my 33 year old brother can slough off? The answer seems like it should be no.

Should my mother work because my brother won't? That answer isn't so simple. On the one hand, I can argue it's her call to make. She can kick him out and live off of the savings they have. Or she can get a job and be okay with him living at home. I can ignore the situation under the guise of they're all adults, they can make adult decisions.

But, they're not. Outside of my sister and me, they're not all adults. They're like kids. And, who's to blame? And, more importantly, what do we do now?

I think my brother should get a job. I think he should begin to pay my parents rent and begin to cover some of the expenses associated with living at home. Rent. That's a good place to start. And, perhaps a third of the grocery bill. And, then perhaps a third of the utilities. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Rent. That's a good place to start.

I shouldn't have to work because my brother can't. Or more importantly, my brother won't. Right? I shouldn't feel guilty about my decisions. I've worked hard. I hate to sound entitled but I feel like I've earned my right to balance my work and my life.

If only my brother weren't completely lame. Who's to blame? And, what do we do now? Hopefully so navel gazing will provide some insight.


Cheers!
mouse

Bus Day

Dear Friends and Family,

Oops. Running behind. Gotta run. I get to take the bus today.


Cheers!
mouse

05.13.13: Happy Birthday, P!

Dear Friends and Family,

Saturday was the big day - P's fourth birthday party. And, while there were a couple of moments when I thought it was going to fall apart, overall, it went without a hitch. Kids were entertained. Parents were entertained. Everyone was fed. Cake was eaten. Venue was paid.

Having a station wagon was nice. Having my mom here to help was even nicer. P was super excited about turning four. I was a little sad to see my three-year-old turn four, but I put on a brave face for her. It's just that I don't want to wake up one day and wonder where the years have gone.

Sunday I went to church with my mom. We went out for pizza afterwards. And, then we stopped by a church for some quick pictures and a park to let P run around. By two o'clock we were home and I slept for four hours. It felt so good to sleep.

Mr. mouse cooked dinner. We did hand and foot prints for P. And, wrapped up the evening reading stories in bed. All in all, a great weekend.

Now that that's all behind us, time to focus. Time to get cracking on the legal stuff. First off, I need to compile a list of what I need. Then we need to find a lawyer. Time to get cracking.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: I twisted my ankle last night, but that's just between you and me.

Resilient mouse

Dear Friends and Family,

I think I learned a lot yesterday.

I took the bus and the train. It was a lot less tiring than driving. I learned that my commute is taking a toll on me and I will be glad when I know longer have to drive to work every day.

One of our management team members called me on the phone and chewed me out over something that is outside of my control. I could, if I were invested enough in my work, move mountains to try and appease him. I learned that I am just not that invested in my work.

The business isn't going well. They're (see, not we, not invested) are scrambling to make the numbers. I learned that the fire drills are only going to continue and they'll probably get worse before they get better, if they ever get better. I'm doubtful they'll ever get better.

What does that all add up to?

I don't like driving to work. Theoretically I could take the bus and train to work once P is in school. But, I'm tired of the fire drills that consume my days and I'm tired of getting chewed out over things that are not my fault.

It's time to leave, mouse. It's only a matter of when. Sometime between now and Labor Day I will give notice. What I do next is something I need to solve for. But, it will not be what I am doing now.


Cheers!
mouse

The Plan

Dear Friends and Family,

Sleep on the train. Do emails like crazy on the bus. Walk like a zombie through my meetings. Do more frenetic emails at lunch. More zombie trance through the afternoon meetings. Set up my out of office. Relax on the way home. Too bad I forgot to download a book or a movie last night.

It'll be good to be off tomorrow.


Cheers!
mouse

May the Birthday Celebrations Begin!

Dear Friends and Family,

My mom arrives today. And, if I make it through today and tomorrow, the work week is behind me. Teacher Appreciation cards are filled out, warm and fuzzies are made.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas birthday everywhere I go...

And, if I make it through today and tomorrow, I'll be down to 13 weeks of work. Hurray!


Cheers!
mouse

Alive

Dear Friends and Family,

Today's the presentation. I'm alive. I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.

My mom flies in tomorrow, assuming everything goes to plan. And, we can begin to enjoy life again. I'm peeved work has robbed me of the past week. I'm glad it's behind me.

I'll be glad when it's all behind me.


Cheers!
mouse

05.06.13: Work Filled Weekend

Dear Friends and Family,

It's Monday. Wow. Did the weekend go ever quickly.

Saturday, we had a haircut followed by a show at the Symphony followed by lunch followed by a birthday party followed by mattress shopping followed by dinner. And, I wonder why the day went quickly.

Sunday, we went to church. Then, I napped and P napped. And, then I worked through the evening. Seriously, I worked through the evening on a presentation for a job I know I will be quitting in the very foreseeable future.

There's nothing worse than giving 100% to something you're not 100% committed to. I'm sure there is. But, it requires a level of discipline and will power that only comes with experience powering through things that must be done even if they're unpleasant.

Fortunately, I know there's an end in sight to the recent long hours. We have a presentation tomorrow. After that life should return to normal. So, at most, I should have 24 hours more of this.

On the good news front, my doctor reduced my medication. I'm back on 1 pill once a day. I'm super focused on not letting my symptoms flare. I have an appointment in six weeks. I would LOVE if I could get off the medication at that appointment.

So, here's a top three update.

1. my health: I'm not going to let anything get to me in the next six weeks. I'm not going to let anything get to me in the next six weeks. I'm not going to let anything get to me in the next six weeks. I'm not going to let anything get to me in the next six weeks. I'm going to continue with my probiotics, medication, Omega three caplets, calcium tablets, and multi-vitamis. And, I'm not going to let anything get to me in the next six weeks.
2. I'm going to enjoy the upcoming weekends. We have P's birthday party. We have my nephew's birthday party. We have plans with friends from college. We have F1 racing. All fun things. I'm looking forward to the unofficial start of our summer. Last year, this all got convoluted with a trip to Hong Kong. This year, I'm hoping for a chance to enjoy the slow weekends with friends.
3. will/trust: The one thing left to do before I leave work. Not something for this week, but perhaps after all of the birthday festivities are done with, this is something we can kick off.

Okay. Time to get ready for work.


Cheers!
mouse

Friday on Three Hours Sleep, Two Nights in a Row

Dear Friends and Family,

Well, I asked for an epiphany yesterday and I think I got one.

The traffic was miserable. P was miserable. I was exhausted. I found out there's a leadership workshop kicking off that my managers either didn't bother nominating me for or didn't think I was ready for. And, putting it all together with my promised raise not coming through left me in a terrible mood by the time I got home.

What does all that add up to? It means I have 14 weeks left at work after today. It also means I need to get busy with estate planning and stuff between now and 14 weeks from now since I have legal coverage at work that makes that kind of stuff free. I like free.

Somehow, I think when I go to quit, there's going to be a lot of drama. I know there's no one else in the company that can do what I do. I would like it if they respect my decision and let me leave without a bunch of drama. I'd hate it if that's when they wake up and appreciate me. I just don't like those kinds of relationships.

I don't like it personally. I don't like it professionally. 14 and counting.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: I reserve the right to change my mind at least a dozen times between now and Labor Day - which means yesterday was helpful, but not an epiphany. Sigh.

Waiting for an Epiphany

Dear Friends and Family,

Work. Work. Work.

I'm so conflicted. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the people I work with. I get paid good money for what I do and the hours I work.

On the other hand, the company is in shambles. It's a million and one miles from my house. I really want to spend some more time with P once she's in school in September. I really want to spend time on my idea. But, at the same time I'm afraid it won't work.

Um. Can I have my cake and eat it too and have a piece on the side for later?

I guess I still have 14 or so weeks to make some sort of decision. I'm hoping some small light bulb will go off and make the decision obvious. Do you hear me universe? A light bulb would be most helpful! Okay, thanks.


Cheers!
mouse

Crossing Out To Dos and Trying Not to Feel Guilty about It

Dear Friends and Family,

I know I'm a basket case. But, here's the thing. Once I put something on my to do list, I hate crossing it out unless it's done. After all, some logic tells me that I put it on the list for a reason. But, then, other logic tells me life has changed and priorities have changed.

For example, I have on my list dental insurance. I had a new retainer made last year in August when my bottom retainer broke. I had a new retainer made in February when my top retainer broke. I filed for insurance because this orthodontist doesn't file on your behalf and my August claim got returned for missing paperwork. Theoretically, I should dig through the paperwork and figure out what is missing and re-file and then file the February claim. After all, this is real money, right?

Truth be told, just the thought of it all makes me want to curl up in a ball and pretend the world around me doesn't exist. Honestly, there's so much more I want to do with my free time like finishing P's baby journal or organizing the kitchen cabinets or playing with P or going for a walk or thinking of healthier lunch options or really just about anything.

I could hate my way through it or I can just be okay with the fact that I'm just not going to bother. I have my retainer. The orthodontist has his money. Nobody gets hurt. Nothing is illegal. I'll just need to find a new orthodontist when it comes time to do any other teeth work - one that files insurance on your behalf.


Cheers!
mouse