Dear Friends and Family,
Although it's not officially the end of the calendar month, I've taken the first steps towards baby insanity by switching from what the calendar tells me to what my hormones tell me. And, based upon my calculations, we've passed the window of opportunity for this calendar month, even if there are technically five more days in October.
We haven't made a lot of progress on this front. Mr. mouse is concerned about day care and getting the baby room ready. Step #1 on my list is getting a general appointment for me and picking an ob/gyn. Uh, can you be on more opposite ends of the spectrum?
Well, the ugly, can't resolve it's head monster has reared it's oh so ugly head again. (Please keep in mind, these posts will tend to coincide with the monthly hormonal roller coaster, since by definition post-ovulation and pre-menstrual are really one and the same thing...) I ask Mr. mouse some leading question. He answers it to get me off his back. I build up hope for awhile which sustains me. He relishes in conflict avoidance. We make no progress. When hope dies, I corner him with another question and the cycle repeats itself. Until, some pre-defined end date that neither of us control. And, then hope dies in me on the relationship as a whole. Some months or years later, we mend it, and get back to normal. Only, it's never quite fully normal for me. Because the next time it comes up, I'm plagued with more doubts and I spiral quicker to an ugly, ugly place.
It happened when we first got married and I wanted him to take the summer off. It happened two winters ago when we struggled with if we would ever live together. And, it happened again (to a minor degree) last winter when I wanted him to take a week's vacation while I was between jobs. And, folks, it's happening again now.
Last month, it was about the cholesterol screen. This month, I asked him, do you think by my next ovulation (i.e. Nov) we'll be trying? And, he thought about it, and said, yes. Whoopee! Wow, how a single word in a certain tone is enough to sustain a girl. Now, it's almost a month gone by. Um, okay. Really? Cause that's not far away anymore. I'm beginning to feel duped again.
And, we spoke briefly this morning. I think he was 85% asleep because he's sleeping on the couch and I'm fuming at the computer. He wants to know why I can't just begin knocking stuff off the list. Why can't I set up the doctor's appointment? Why can't I pick the ob/gyn? And, I told him this can't just be about me. There's enough I'll need to do that he can't do. Just can't. This shouldn't be a shocker. I gotta believe, it'll be me doing 99.99% of the stuff that needs to be done no matter what he wants, in the whole pregnancy process. He's gotta be willing to do some of it. This is not a solitary endeavor here. He's the one who thought this was all a great idea. And, now, I'm the one that needs to be the taskmaster? No. It's not going to work that way.
So, this isn't really about baby anymore. This is about how we communicate. And, who pushes us as a couple to get anything done. And, about understanding and being able to prioritize between important and urgent. And, work-life balance. And, so many more issues.
Maybe, baby was a bad idea. Maybe, it's not something he really wanted after all. That's okay. I can come around to that again. I've bounced back from harder. I am resilient. As of this moment, consider this topic closed unless you hear otherwise. It was an interesting two month journey, but Pandora needs to stuff all the monsters back in the box. It isn't working out the way I thought it would. And, there's no point forcing it.
Cheers!
mouse
PS: No longer fuming. Now, just inexplicably sad.
As usual, I'm behind on my food posts. My favorite fajitas down in Texas was 
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