Sharing Pioneer

Dear Friends and Family,

I'm going to come across as a horrible person... But, everyone wants a piece of my baby and I'm feeling a little left out. I get tons of time with her when she's asleep and/or feeding. But, there's an hour or so every day when she's alert and in "play" mode, and when that time comes the queue builds faster than you can believe. And, unfortunately, I need to share Pioneer with others.

My Mom's been with us for the past two and a half weeks and I could not have kept my sanity without her. But, I am looking forward to some alone time with Pioneer next week. Then, I can selfishly enjoy the alert times and play with my baby. And, then, in a short week, Mr. mouse will be off and we can spend some quality time together as a family. Like I said, he's the one person I don't mind sharing with.

The only open question is when Mr. mouse's folks will want to come out to spend some time with Pioneer. I'm sure they'll want to. I just want to get some time with her before I have to go back to work. After all, at that point, my quality time with Pioneer drops dramatically.

I'm such a selfish mouse.


Cheers!
mouse

More Freedom

Dear Friends and Family,

We went in for our two week visit today and Pioneer weighed in at 7 pounds, 2 ounces. She's above her birth weight and we got the go ahead to "liberalize" her feeding schedule. We have a weigh in next Friday to make sure the additional freedom doesn't do her any harm.

Here are my thoughts:

• I'll let her go three hours between feedings vs. the current two and half hours. Obviously, if we get hunger cues from her before the three hours are up, we'll feed her when she's hungry. I'm hoping she'll begin to request food vs. us continuing to foist it on her.
• Contrary to the doctor's advice, I'll let her go "as long as she wants" for each feeding. She's a slow eater and averages 30-40 minutes per feeding. Cutting her off at 20 seems like it'd be frustrating - she's just finding her groove at 20.
• Contrary to the doctor's advice, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the skin-on-skin time. The doctor doesn't think it makes a huge difference, but my qualitative sample size of one implies it does. And, frankly, since my population size is one, I'm not concerned about sampling error. Sooner or later I may move away from it, but for now, it's fine with me.

Two and a half hours was heaven on earth after two hours. Three hours feels downright decadent right now.


Cheers!
mouse

Week 3: How Do You Stop Time?

Dear Friends and Family,

At the time, twelve weeks of maternity leave seemed like heaven. And, it seemed like a long enough stint of time to really spend quality time with Pioneer and get myself geared back up for work.

Now, it seems like time is racing by quicker than I ever imagined possible. I'm half way through week three. And, it'll be half way through week four by the time my mom leaves.

Mr. mouse and I will have weeks five, six and seven together. And, then, I've got one short month before going back to work.

I know Mr. mouse's dad and step-mom want to visit and spend time with Pioneer. On the one hand, I want my time with Mr. mouse and Pioneer to be just time for the three of us to bond as a family. On the flip side, I don't want to lose another week or two of time in July either.

I guess, ultimately, I'll leave it up to Mr. mouse to schedule the time. I told him that the first half of June is pretty important to me as alone time. They've got a right to spend time with Pioneer and I've got to trust Mr. mouse to make it all work. I just wish they'd finalize their plans so I can manage my expectations.

In a perfect world, I'd have my mom through this weekend and then Mr. mouse starting next Monday. But, it is what it is. And, in the long run, a week isn't going to make or break my leave. I guess I just need to remember, I don't live in a perfect world. I just need to make the most of the world I do live in.


Cheers!
mouse

05.26.09: Mr. mouse - Pioneer Time

Dear Friends and Family,

I love long weekends.

While my weekend revolved around the feeding and caring of Pioneer, it was so nice to have Mr. mouse home for three days.

Saturday, we went for a walk in the neighborhood and to the park. There was a wake of oohs and aahs as we walked. People remarked on Pioneer's tiny size and on her shocking amount of hair and asked us how old she was. We could have charged admission.

Sunday, we attempted the supermarket, but it was too cold and too loud for Pioneer. So, she and I went back to the car while Mr. mouse finished up the groceries.

Monday, we made hand and foot prints and ordered our birth announcements. I spent some time filling out our baby journal while Mr. mouse napped with Pioneer.

We've been weighing Pioneer on our kitchen scale. It seems like she's back at her birth weight and gaining steadily. We'll get the official weigh in at the doctor's this Thursday.

As for me, I've crossed the boundary from "overweight" back to "normal" weight with this week's weigh in. I haven't jumped on the Weight Watchers band wagon yet. I've been focused on Pioneer's weight gain, not my weight loss. But, I am happy to see the scale continue to slowly work its way downward. I've still got 24 pounds to go, so there's plenty more I still need to work through. But, if I'm losing 1-2 pounds a week, then I'm fine going about it without the tracking for now. I'll start tracking once the weight loss tapers off.

Well, that's about it for now.


Cheers!
mouse

Internet Outage Post Catch Up (3 of 3): More Changes

Dear Friends and Family,

There's a piece of me that wishes Pioneer could stay the way she is forever. She's like a little doll.

Pioneer picked up a new sound on Thursday. Up until now, she's had four primary sounds: silent and observing, hiccuping, sneezing and bawling at the top of her lungs. She makes a cooing sound now that is a welcome addition to the repertoire.

Another change is in Pioneer's eyes. Up until now, her eyes looked like they were a solid black. But, Friday I noticed a distinct brown eye with a black center.

And, last but not least, I noticed a mole on Pioneer's thigh today, Sunday, that wasn't there before. Pioneer's first mole. If she's anything like either of her parents, it'll be the first of many.


Cheers!
mouse

Internet Outage Post Catch Up (2 of 3): Strike a Pose

Dear Friends and Family,

Pioneer's got a couple of funny poses that I get to see while feeding her that I want to make sure I capture. I've tried taking photos but I can't get the angle right. And, at some point, Pioneer gets annoyed and stops eating, which seems counter-productive.

There's the ballerina pose/conductor pose where she spreads both arms out on either to her side like she's conducting a symphony. Or she spreads both arms over her head like a ballerina. The funny thing is her arms are short and her head is ginormous, so her arms barely reach over her head.

Then there's the too cool pose where she leans back and looks at you down her nose and has her arm hanging loosely in front of her.

There's the student pose, where she has one arm wrapped around my breast and the other holding up her head like she's studying and/or falling asleep at the library.

Followed by the prima donna pose where she tilts her head up, arches her eyebrows up, purses her lips and gives you a doubtful look like you're not really worthy of her time.

And, last but not least, is the rooting pig pose, when she gets hyper-excited and bobs and shakes her head vigorously like she's a pig at a trough looking for some choice food scraps.

Funny, today I haven't seen many of the poses. She's been all business today. I wonder if it has to do with the changed eating cycle. We went to the doctor's office today and got the green light on the end of light therapy. Whoopee! And, we got the green light to go with a more relaxed eating schedule: 8-12 feedings a day, no need to supplement. I mentioned to Mr. mouse that there's a night and day difference between 2 hours between feedings and 2.5 hours between feedings. One, you're on the clock and weighing the cost of each minute. The other, you can take your time and enjoy the process. And, the no need to supplement takes a huge weight off my back as well. It feels like we're on a normal routine instead of a closely monitored routine. Back to my hypothesis, I think the feedings are more productive for two reasons: 1) she's learning to be more productive and spending less time on randomness and 2) because the feedings are spaced further apart, she's more rested and more alert and more hungry and hence more focused.

Frustrating as the poses were while we were going through them, they did bring a smile to my face. I'll miss them now that Pioneer's more focused on the task at hand. Then again, I'm sure we'll have feedings in the future when she strikes a pose. After all, she's still learning.


Cheers!
mouse

Internet Outage Post Catch Up (1 of 3): Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts

Dear Friends and Family,

Our internet connection is down, but instead of troubleshooting it, I'm going to write my post in notepad and upload it later. Morning time is too precious to spend on troubleshooting technology.

It's Wednesday and I need to get a grip on reality. The days and weeks are going too quickly and there's "stuff" that needs to ge taken care of - bills to pay, insurance forms to file, etc. I'm going to attempt to make some progress on some fronts today. For the next three days, here are my Top 3:

Feeding Pioneer: Pioneer needs to gain back her birth weight. We've got to crack the code on how to get some poundage on her.

Baby Book: I want to stay on top of filling out the baby book. I know it's one of those things that once you fall behind on, it's really tough to catch up on. And, it'll be important to us later on in life.

Aministrivia: I need to get through all of the random paperwork that needs to get filed. Friday marks the end of week 2 of my 12 week leave. It's going too quickly.

Pioneer had her first bath last night. We gave her a sponge bath from the neck down, being careful to avoid her belly button stump which is still healing. She smelled beautifully clean afterwards and her skins was so smooth. I can see how parents fall in love with bathing their babies. It's fun and they're so cuddly afterwards.

What else have I noticed? I've noticed that Pioneers belly is getting rounder and fuller when she eats. I'm hopeful that it's an indicator we're getting some food into her, but it could just be that she has the round Buddha belly all babies have. I've noticed that sometimes there are faint lines in her eye lids and I wonder what the final shape of her eyes will be. She still spends a lot of time with her eyes closed so it's tough to tell. And, last but not least, I've noticed that she has no moles. Mr. mouse and I have lots of moles. I wonder if they'll come later in life, because as of now, she's got none.

Pioneer's gotten better about sleeping with her arms free. We used to have to swaddle them super tight for her to sleep comfortably, but yesterday I noticed that she slept okay with them free. She's so much fun to watch, I've completely neglected my TiVO. Funny how that works.

Okay. Onto me. Sleep continues to come in fits and bursts. I'm putting most everything on hold as I try to figure out how to get Pioneer to gain weight. There's a piece of me that wants to put her on formula. It's the "easy" answer. But, formula reeks of fake food. It can't be as good as breast milk. Right? We've been supplementing which in my mind eventually leads to an inevitable transition to formula. The bottle's too easy and it's too easy for the baby to not to want to "work" at getting the milk once they're used to the bottle. So, I've been trying to figure what's ultimately better for Pioneer.

I think her big problem has been that the box has been constraining us from a time perspective. And, now that we have all the time in the world, we can focus on the feeding. That and I need to find a way to keep her awake. If she can stay awake, she can feed. If she can feed, she'll gain weight. We'll see how today goes.


Cheers!
mouse

Pioneer's One Week Birthday

Dear Friends and Family,

For all that I'm afraid it's going too quickly and I'm missing out on it all, it's not and I'm not. Pioneer's only a week old. There's a lifetime of experiences ahead of us that will fill my head and this journal with memories to cherish.

I called Mr. mouse yesterday afternoon just before Pioneer's birth time and we had time to remember how big a moment it was for us and how special she is to us already.

And, then I had a very trying afternoon. Pioneer gets fussy when she's about to go. And, she gets fussy with a wet or dirty diaper. She's fussy when she's tired. She's fussy when she's hungry. And, apparently, she's fussy when her cord stump is about to fall off. In summary, she had lots of reasons to be fussy. And, she was.

But, by the end of the afternoon, I remembered, she's only a week old. She's doing awesome for a one week old. She's trying her best, it's just she's only a week old. I need to remember that. I'm not locked in a battle of wills with an adult, I'm in a exploration journey with a child. And, then, it was all better.

Mr. mouse let me sleep last night and I'm feeling better for it this morning.

Hopefully we're done with the light box today. I'd love to be able to hold her more instead of having her stuck in the box. I promised Pioneer I'd make up for lost time once she's done with the photo therapy.

And, now, recognizing that it's only been a week, I'm eager to savor week two together. We're off to a good start.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: Mr. mouse sang Happy Birthday to Pioneer over the phone and she smiled.

05.18.09: Blog, what Blog?

Dear Friends and Family,

In focusing on our priorities, other things (e.g. sleep, blog, life) has been put on the back burner for the moment. I'm motivated to keep the blog current since I know I'll be glad I captured the special moments when I look back on it.

The Weekend (people who came over to see Pioneer)

• Fri: B and Chef M
• Sat: my sister and brother-in-law
• Sun: my childhood friend from Miami

The rest of the weekend was spent perfecting our light box technique and trying to get some calories into Pioneer.

Pioneer (aka Our Hairy Little Monster and/or Poopy Diaper Queen and/or Little P)

Pioneer continues to grow and mature. Mr. mouse and I had a moment to catch our breaths the other night and remarked on the changes we've seen during the first week.

She's a lot more alert now and observing the world around her. She follows voices and makes eye contact. There are times we want to take her out of her light box and play with her. But, we sigh and try to take the long term view - right now she needs light time (to reduce the bilirubin) and sleep time (so she's awake to feed).

She recognizes Mr. mouse and me. I'm sure it's all short term memory, but still there's something about it.

She's clearly learning. For example, breastfeeding - she's building upon her experience day by day. Granted there are still good feeds and bad feeds, but she's learning what works and what doesn't.

She slept through the night last night. Granted, she wasn't supposed to. We were supposed to wake her at 4:30 for a feeding. But, nonetheless, we're cautiously optimistic she'll be a good sleeper, she was in-utero.

And, last but not least, today, shortly after her one week "birthday" celebration, she lost her umbilical cord stump.

mouse

The weight continues to drop. Twenty-eight pounds to go. For now, still eating to keep sane vs. picking up Weight Watchers. There's too many things I'm already tracking.

Done with the water bottle, the Motrin, and soreness in my right arm. Not bad for one week out of the hospital. Lochia bleeding continues, but is very manageable.

Trying to stay sane and not let the cumulative sleep deprivation get to me. Also trying to maintain perspective on Pioneer and the light box and weight loss challenges. If we can get the light box behind us tomorrow (knock on wood) then we'll be able to focus on getting her plumped up. I'm all for whacking one mole until it's done before tackling the next mole.


Cheers!
mouse

First Doctor's Appointment: Our Own Blue Light Special

Dear Friends and Family,

We went in yesterday for Pioneer's first doctor's appointment and she got flagged on two fronts: jaundice and weight loss.

Now, we're on a regimented feeding cycle with supplemental formula (which Mr. mouse and I have taken the liberty of optimizing) and on photo light therapy until both conditions improve.

The plus? A registered nurse stops by daily to check in on us.

The minus? Said nurse needs to take a blood sample daily from Pioneer's foot.

Will keep you posted.


Cheers!
mouse

Overly Ambitious

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday, I bit off more than I could chew.

We drove out to pick up my mother from the airport. That involved bundling Pioneer into the car for her first extended road trip, through rush hour traffic, to the airport and then through it again to get home. She made it in one piece, but it tired both Pioneer and me out and more importantly it threw off the beginnings of our semi-established sleep and feeding routine. Mistake #1: prioritize Pioneer's needs first, not second.

Then, because my Mom was with us, I tried to do feedings on my own so that Mr. mouse could keep her company while I was with Pioneer. Mistake #2: don't attempt feeding on your own if it's been a group effort for the prior two days. It's not necessarily disastrous, but it can be, and in any event, small perturbations to the system eventually add up.

I pulled one smart maneuver and skipped lunch. I stole Pioneer from my Mom's arms and insisted that the both of us needed a nap. I think it did us a world of good to get some rest in because later that afternoon we received a message from our mail box. Keep in mind, Pioneer is three days old and we're now messing with her feeding routine and sleep routine by letting her stay up and play.

Now, we're at the point in the movie when the audience can see the storm building, but the characters are making all the wrong decisions that keep them on the disastrous path to the movie's climax. We decided it was a good idea to attempt the grand crossing again, through rush hour traffic again, to pick up the packages and to attempt to avoid traffic on the way back by eating dinner by the mailbox.

We loaded a marginally fed, slightly tired baby and her incrementally off-kilter mom into the car and hit the road to fun and games. It was too hot in the car. It was too cold in the car. Frankly, the main problem was you had an exhausted mom and dad and baby in rush hour traffic in the car. Pioneer started crying inconsolably. Mr. mouse changed her in the car by the restaurant. We headed in. Pioneer started crying again. I took her out to the car to feed her. Needless to say, it was a poor feed at best.

We finished dinner and decided to head to Babies R Us to pick up some clothes that fit. We also knew they have a mother's room that Pioneer and I can use to try and get another feed in before heading home. Now we were shopping for Pioneer with a third party who wanted to pick up presents for her first grandchild - like a super cute pink sundress. Can you hear the music building in the background? The movie characters know they're in over their heads but wrongly conclude there's no other course of action.

I took Pioneer to the mother's room. It stinks of over-stuffed, under-cleaned Diaper Genie. I've got Pioneer in the car seat/stroller when Mr. mouse has "always" (all of two car trips we've taken so far) gotten her into and out of the car seat. I was in new feeding environment #3 of the day, people. Pioneer was looking jaundiced in the light and I was feeling IMMENSE pressure to get in a good feed. Pioneer was as off-kilter as I was at this point and the probability of a good feed was about as high as us winning Mega Millions and Power Ball simultaneously. Needless to say, it was a rotten feed.

I threw everything minus the baby into the stroller, grabbed the diaper bag, and carried Pioneer out into the glider section. I called Mr. mouse and he retrieved us. His first instinct was to try to problem solve - you should have called, we could have done this in the car, etc. And, I was like, "WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!?!" We averted meltdown by a hair when he realized what I really needed was to get home and be comforted, not an answer to how to avoid this situation in the future.

We loaded the car thinking we were a quick ride home at this hour. We turned on the traffic report and the highway's down to one lane due to road construction. Uh huh. Having no other options, we hit the roads to try and get home. Pioneer was fussy. I was spent. Mr. mouse wasn't complaining, but I know he was running on fumes. We got home and I pulled Pioneer out of her car seat and climbed onto the couch and the tears started trickling. I wasn't balling, but I would have been if my Mom wasn't there.

My mom headed to bed sensing I just needed some space and time to come to grips. And, Mr. mouse and I unwound on the couch. He got me an ice cold drink and then we shared some mango sorbet we had brought home from the hospital. Then, we looked at some photos of Pioneer from the past week. And, we headed up to her room for the night.

We had a successful feed and then one of marvelous moments when she's awake and alert and oh so precious. Then, she went down for a couple of hours and so do we. The night was a constant progression of diapers and feedings and crying baby, but we made it through the night. The feedings were a lot more successful. The diapers were a cause of celebration. And, it just felt right struggling through it all together as a family.

And, now to story wrap up. The part that makes it a chick flick instead of a drama. I realized (and told Mr. mouse) that he's the one person I'm okay being dependent on. I don't like being dependent on people. I pride myself on my independence. That doesn't mean I don't have a support network or I can't accept help from others. It just means I accept help from others because I want to, not because I need to. There's a certain amount of vulnerability in allowing yourself to be dependent upon someone else. The other thing I realized (and told Mr. mouse) is that he's the one person I'm okay sharing everything with. And, that, I suppose, is why he is my soul mate.

Pioneer's progress? She's three days old now. She's still tiny - we hope to get her back to her birth weight by next weekend. She's unfurling a little in that she's beginning to stretch her arms and legs regularly. And, she's continuing to develop and mature - she used to have a tremor in her chin and she used to body clench, both normal in newborns due to their underdeveloped neurological systems, and both seem to have passed.

We hope to take her out today for some photos. If they turn out, great. If not, then, at least we can say we tried. Each moment with her is so precious, we want to capture them all.


Cheers!
mouse

And, what about mouse?

Dear Friends and Family,

It's 5:30 and I'm up and while life is different, there are aspects that are comfortingly the same.

Mr. mouse made me my morning coffee and moved my "morning chair" into the nursery. And, here I am, with my blog and my cuppa Joe, feeling a sense of comfort in a familiar routine.

All things considered, I'm doing well, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Let's not kid ourselves, the body doesn't feel like it did last summer before Pioneer. I'm down weight wise from last weekend, but there's still 33.5 pounds of pregnancy weight being carted around. Some of that is the fluids that they pumped me up with while at the hospital. Some of that is the breast engorgement that started yesterday. And, some of that is stuff still settling down. I'm not going to sweat it much for the next week and change. Tuesday, May 26th will be when I start Weight Watchers in earnest. Until then, I'm just focusing on the rest of my physical healing.

I had (at least according to my doctor) one teeny, tiny tear in my perineum when delivering Pioneer that she stitched up. Between that and general tenderness and bruising, I'm doing the water bottle and warm shower routine for the next two weeks. I completed my ice pack routine while at the hospital. And, I'll stay on my Motrin until the pain subsides.

The uterus continues to shrink. The lochia (aka bleeding) is no worse than a menstrual cycle. I've been fortunate in that I haven't had to deal with blood clots or anything really nasty. The abdomen is a lot less tender than it was yesterday. I have a sore spot on my left thigh from lying in one position throughout labor which continues to improve. And, my other physical malady is soreness in my right arm from a TD vaccine I received while at the hospital.

Mentally, I'm in a great spot. I've been trying to balance savoring the moments with staying on top of the mounting to do list with getting enough rest to maintain perspective. Mr. mouse has been a trooper in this department which shouldn't surprise anyone who knows anything about the either of us. I think we're both in a very happy place right now.

And, last but not least, emotionally, it is what it is. At least I recognize that a lot of it is hormonal shifts I just need to acknowledge. And, some of it is that I get emotional around major life changes. And, the tiny remaining piece of it is that we've been through a lot in a short period of time and it's normal to feel a little overwhelmed and it's okay to ask for help. I've had a couple of teary moments when I needed to collect myself. But, all in all, the number of major meltdowns can still be counted on one hand.


Cheers!
mouse

Night Three

Dear Small,

You're asleep and you're Daddy's downstairs bringing up dessert for me.

It's midnight and I want to capture some details on your third day with us.

Today was a lot more hectic than yesterday. Yesterday, you got to focus on the basics of setting up a routine and we had a visitor.

Today, we had to focus on getting enough food in you to keep you from losing too much more weight. And, your Daddy and I had to finalize your name for your birth certificate. And, we had to fill out all the paperwork and cover all of the discharge information to take you home. And, we had to pack everything and get it to the car. And, we took you for your first car ride from the hospital home.

I mentioned to your Daddy that I was scared going to the hospital on Sunday. And, today, I was scared bringing you home. Change is tough, Pioneer, and sometimes, it can be scary. But, we made it home in one piece.

We raced you up to your room to stay somewhat on top of your feeding schedule and you were great about eating in a new environment. Then, your Daddy, you and I crashed for a much needed nap. We woke up and you had another super feeding session. Then, I held you and we napped while your Daddy made dinner. We had dinner and then we fed you. You've been a champ about eating at home. And, your dinner was followed by a wonderful combination poopy/wet diaper. See? we're still celebrating each diaper.

Then, came the highlight of an already wonderful day. We had one of those moments when you were up and wanted to play. You had both eyes wide open (they're gorgeous, you know) and a hint of a smile on your lips. We couldn't get enough of watching you and can't wait to see those eyes again. We finally had to put you down for a nap so you wouldn't be overly tired by your next feeding. Then, we all napped again.

We just finished feeding you, and you and your Daddy are both asleep.

I had to eat a small meal with my Motrin so I'll be up for the next 15 minutes digesting before joining you both in slumber.

You were just over 48 hours old when we left the hospital today. And, the changes from yesterday to today are there if you look for the clues. Your nose cleared up although your legs remain the funniest looking legs ever with their plump, hairy thighs and then scrawny, wrinkly calves. Your feet and toes are now a bright pink instead of the grey-blue they were when you were born. I mentioned the eyes opening wide. And, today we noticed you tracking sounds with your eyes and body and turning towards certain sounds like your Daddy's voice. You've learned to use your hands as a shield, like when you cover your cheeks when I blow on them or you covered your eyes when your Daddy's camera flash bothered you.

Well, I'd better try to get another hour of sleep since we're all getting up again at 1:30.


Love,
your mommy

Night Two

Dear Small,

It's two in the morning and not a creature was stirring, except maybe a mouse.

Your Dad's asleep now. And, I think you're falling asleep. But, I'm up.

I just want to capture some thoughts and memories for you when you're older and want to know more about this time of your life.

I remember a conversation I'd have with you often "How ya doing, P?". Then, I'd wait and reply... "mmm..." You seem to respond to the mmm's now.

And, your dad would speak to you before you were born, and those sounds still soothe you now.

And, the last trimester, I was craving ice cold drinks, especially ice cold Diet Coke and Caffeine Free Diet Coke. And, you didn't like it at all. We guessed you didn't like the cold stomach on your warm butt. And, now, you scream when you feel the cold wipes when your Dad changes you.

You've got us both enchanted with the left eye open and right eye closed look, although you've had a couple of times today when you had both eyes open and that's a good look on you as well.

You've had two superstar feeds today when you latched on and ate like a champ. There was the big burp this morning that we got a good laugh out of. And, I cried tears when I made you cry. Those were your first tears and they were from frustration when I wouldn't let you unlatch. You've been a champ since then.

You've had a couple of moments today when you were awake and wanted to engage us in play time. Those are, of course, my favorite moments. You almost smile and we see the happiness in your eyes. You're a happy baby, P, and for that your Dad and I are grateful.

You had your first visitor today, P, my friend from work. She was so glad to see you and so taken with you. I know everyone will be jealous when they find out she was able to come and see you. And, of course, work related, there's the funny email. Our admin took your stats (and mine) and added some pictures and sent it to everyone. I'm sure we'll all get a good laugh out of that years from now.

Your grandma saw your pictures online tonight. And, she thinks you look like your Dad. And, your Dad thinks you look like him as well. I hope, as you grow, you look like neither me nor your Dad, but like a combination of the both of us because, ideally, I'd love for you to be the best part of both of us.

And, one last thing, you lost 7% of your body weight when they weighed you today. It's enough to worry the nurses and I hope we don't have to supplement with formula. I hope we make better progress tomorrow.

And, one more thing, when you were born yesterday, I noticed some vernix on your back before they washed you off. That must mean you had some in all of your cracks and crevices. Now, you still have lanugo on your back and your upper arms, thighs and forehead. It's cute to rub it. Your skin, it's as soft as can be imagined. I love rubbing your face against mine.

Okay, your Dad's up now as well, since you woke about 20 minutes ago with a wet diaper. So, I'm going to wrap and pretend I'm asleep so he doesn't worry.

Goodnight, P.


Love,
your mom

The Past 24 Hours

Dear Friends and Family,

Where to pick up the story? When we last left you, we were at the hospital awaiting Pioneer's birth. And, I was on an emotional roller coaster that had me spent.

Things got a lot easier after I got the epidural. And, emotionally, I found it comforting to be able to spend the morning focusing on enjoying Pioneer inside while thinking about seeing them outside.

I had an hour nap around 11 o'clock. And, then spent the next ninety minutes enjoying some quiet time with Mr. mouse while we waited on our doctor. She came in ~1:30 and by shortly after two, Pioneer was born. To be honest, labor wasn't bad at all. I know, I'll engender all sorts of hate with it, but, it wasn't painful, it wasn't too difficult, it was quick, and every made me feel like a champion afterward.

Pioneer weighed in at 6 lbs, 12 oz and was 19.5 inches long. She had a head full of hair. And, to everyone's delight, she was screaming at the top of her lungs and a had glorious red/pink color all over.

We spent the next hour in the delivery room trying to feed (no success), bathing, cleaning, and cooing. Then, we headed into the post-delivery room and have been here since.

We've had more luck on the feeding front. And, Mr. mouse and I were thrilled with our first poopy diaper last night and jumping up and down today with our first wet diaper this morning. Wow, what 24 hours can do to you. Whoever thought we'd be celebrating diapers?

Pioneer, in my biased opinion, is perfect. She's got a perfectly round head because labor went so quickly. And, she's got 10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes, and 1 perfect nose. She's not fussy. And, so far, our biggest problem has been that she sleeps too much. We've been having trouble waking her to feed her. Then again, she slept a lot in-utero, so I was expecting her to sleep well once she was born.

Mr. mouse has had a field day taking photos of her. And, we've been trying to stay on top of all of the congratulatory emails and phone calls. I'm glad to have a breather to take a moment to catch up here.

We head home tomorrow to a host of new challenges. So far, I've been blown away with how much of it Mr. mouse has taken care of for me and how much of it I've been able to take care of as well. Like last night, Pioneer was crying while she was sleeping. I'm sure she was fine, but I wanted Mr. mouse to be able to get some sleep, so I got up and picked her up and walked over to a chair and held her and she quieted. It felt so good just to be able to do that.

I'm just been trying to enjoy every moment of the past two days recognizing it's a once in a lifetime experience.


Cheers!
mouse

05.11.09 (Week 40, Day 3) Where to Begin?!?!

Dear Friends and Family,

Let's start with the here and now and then we'll backtrack to the weekend...

We're at the hospital, in labor & delivery. Cervix is at 5 cm. Pitocin's at 6 ml/min. Epidural went in about an hour and half ago. Just trying to take it all in stride.

So, rewind to our appointment on Friday. Our doctor recommended we come in on Monday to be induced since I've been so dilated. And, later in the afternoon, we got a call from the scheduler with a time slot for our induction.

May the angst begin.

Essentially, we were torn between coming in and waiting. On the one hand I wanted Pioneer to be born since I was still afraid of something going wrong the last couple of days. And on the other hand, I wanted to give them as much time to develop as possible and I was enjoying the bond we had been sharing the past 10 months together. Plus both Mr. mouse and I had a marginal inclination towards letting Mother Nature take its course.

So we spent the entire weekend talking ourselves in circles.

Saturday, we went out for brunch and then I napped while Mr. mouse ran some errands. Then, we both dived into housework. I tackled the kitchen while Mr. mouse cleaned the car, weeded the front lawn and repaired a couple of loose boards on our stairs.

We ate fried rice for dinner and then did a quick Target run before turning in for the night.

Sunday, we skipped our usual F1 brunch routine and instead spent the morning enjoying the quiet time at home. We had pasta for lunch and called the doctor's office to cancel the induction. The doctor on call gave us several good reasons to keep it and told us to think about it...

We packed our bags and headed out for the day. We decided to go to the aquarium, our first quasi-date together almost 15 years ago. While at the aquarium, the contractions started and we headed home.

Mr. mouse did some work while I zoned on the couch. Then, we both had sandwiches for dinner (tuna fish for me, crab cake for Mr. mouse) with tortilla chips and salsa. And we drove out for ice cream before calling the doctor.

We called and no surprise, they told us to come in. We were admitted and brought up to our room. I have to admit, the first part was harrowing. I was struggling with all the stuff going on and I felt bad for Pioneer - for all the stuff we were subjecting them to without good reason. I really struggled with it when they broke my water. But now, I've settled into a better spot and am more focused on the future and meeting Pioneer than on the past and missing Pioneer.

Pitocin just increased to 8 ml/min. Thank goodness for my epidural. I'm really glad I can still feel Pioneer's movements. I would have really been torn if I had to trade off pain management for sharing the last day with them.

May write more later today. May not. Will play it by ear.


Cheers!
mouse

05.08.09 (Week 39, Day 7): Last Structured Update

Dear Friends and Family,

Where are we at now? 39 down, anytime in the next 3 weeks.

I just looked online and we're up to the last update in the WebMD "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" series. We're entering into Pioneer's last week of development and next Friday will be their "official" due date.

Mr. mouse and I have another doctor's appointment this afternoon. I'm not expecting a ton of new information since we haven't had any new symptoms and have been in the wait-and-see mode the last week. Then again, those are the appointments that always take us by surprise.

Pioneer continues to grow. They don't get the hiccups as frequently as they used to. Their movements aren't as frequent (since they nap regularly now) and are more muffled (since they're running out of room).

I don't sleep as deeply as I used to. It's a combination of having to get up to use the bathroom and then finding a comfortable position to fall back asleep in. It (the having to find a comfortable position) started this past week and will probably continue the rest of the pregnancy. I can't complain. Theoretically, it's the last two weeks of what has been a relatively comfortable pregnancy.

I can't wait until I finally get to see Pioneer. It still doesn't seem possible.

Baby
Your baby's length is about 21.5 inches from head to toe and it weighs about 7.5 pounds. Boys often tend to weigh a little more than girls. Reflexes are coordinated so the baby can blink, close his eyes, turn his head, grasp firmly and respond to sounds, light and touch. More lanugo falls out, but some may remain at birth on shoulders, folds of skin and backs of ears.

Mom-to-Be
Birth should be soon now, but don't worry if your due date comes and goes. Only 5% of all babies are born exactly on the due date. It may be more difficult for you to get a good night's sleep because it's hard to find a comfortable position, but try to rest as much as possible, with your feet up if you can.

Tip for the Week
If you think you're in labor, don't eat. Even something light in your stomach can cause nausea.

What's Happening Inside You?
Your baby continues to grow and mature: the lungs are nearly fully developed. Your baby's reflexes are coordinated so he or she can blink, close the eyes, turn the head, grasp firmly, and respond to sounds, light and touch

You should still feel movement every day. Your baby's position changes to prepare itself for labor and delivery. The baby drops down in your pelvis, and usually his or her head is facing down toward the birth canal.

By the end of this month, your baby is about 18 to 20 inches long and weighs about 7 pounds.


Cheers!
mouse

05.07.09 (Week 39, Day 6): No News

Dear Friends and Family,

Still no news to report.

I've been making progress today on clearing out my work inbox. That's my goal for the day.

Pioneer continues to grow. I continue to become more and more loose-jointed.

Most of the other symptoms have gone away. 9 more days until the due date.

I can do this.


Cheers!
mouse

Three Ways of Knowing

Dear Friends and Family,

I've always categorized knowing something into three different categories.

There's knowing something with your head. That's factual knowing. For example, I "know" that if I don't water my plants they will eventually die. It's generally reliable and repeatable.

Then, there's knowing something with your gut. That's instinctual knowing. For example, I "know" that this summer is going to fly. It's less reliable and less repeatable, but sometimes the only thing you have to go off of.

And, last but certainly not least, there's knowing something with your heart. That's knowing based on faith. I "know" I love Mr. mouse. It's something I "know" so deep it's core to who I am.

Things can shuffle amongst categories from gut to head or to heart and vice versa.

Yesterday, don't laugh, I made the leap on Pioneer. Up until now, I knew Pioneer was coming, in my head, but I didn't really get it. And, out of nowhere, I finally got it. We're going to be parents. And, it's in my heart now. Funny how that works.


Cheers!
mouse

05.05.09 (Week 39, Day 4): Digging Deep

Dear Friends and Family,

11 more days until our due date.

Last night was a tough night and I think it may continue to be tough going forward. Still no contractions. The part that's gotten tough is the relaxin that's literally causing me to fall apart at the seams. Walking is tough, standing is tough, reaching down for stuff is tough... Unhinged. I know I'll be thankful come labor and delivery, but for now, not fun.

This is when I need to dig deep and find the mental reserves to carry me through the last 11 days in one piece. I can do it. I've been through MUCH worse for MUCH longer periods of time.

Piece of cake.


Cheers!
mouse

PS: Had dinner with Lily last night. She left this morning to return home. It was good seeing her.

05.04.09: Reunion Weekend

Dear Friends and Family,

Here are the headlines before I dive into the details:

• still waiting
• my friend, Lily, is in town
• it was reunion weekend

Friday, I spent the day at school catching up on school related stuff. Then, I drove over to pick up Lily for dinner. We picked up Mr. mouse and headed out for Mexican food. Another friend, in for reunion weekend, met up with us for dinner. And for dessert, we headed to Spring.

Friday night, Pioneer felt big and I felt short of breath. No contractions.

Saturday was reunion. It was good seeing everyone. Some people have less hair, some people have gone grey, some people have lost weight, some people have gained weight, some people got married, and some are parents. But, all-in-all, most people are the same, inside. Funny, how that works.

Saturday night, Pioneer felt quiet, but enough movement to be normal. No contractions.

Sunday, we met up with Lily for lunch. Then, I rested while Mr. mouse did the usual Sunday errands. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. It must be the relaxin working on my joints. I just feel looser all over.

Sunday night, Pioneer felt awkward, no position sitting or lying down felt good. No contractions.

We'll see where this week leads.


Cheers!
mouse

05.01.09 (Week 38, Day 7): May Baby

Dear Friends and Family,

Where are we at now? 38 down, anytime in the next 4 weeks.

Before I launch into an update on Pioneer, with every day passing as slowly as it does, I'm stunned to find that the year is flying by. We're in May, people. Wow, I'm floored.

Let me repeat, I'm floored. We've made it to May. April, the month that seemed to go on forever, has come and gone. Pioneer is well within the bounds of full term. At this point, Mr. mouse and I aren't doing anything to bring on labor, but, we're not doing anything to delay it either. I'm not sure how I'll do the work thing next week, if I'll work from home or if I'll go in. It may be a combination of both. We'll see.

We went in for our doctor's appointment yesterday. Cervix: 4 cm, 100% effaced, Pioneer at 0 station. No other huge updates. False labor pains continue on and off.

Crazy as it sounds, I am going to miss all of this. I'm sure I'll be excited about Pioneer once they're born, but, pregnancy has been fun as well. It's bonding and sharing, both with Pioneer and with Mr. mouse. Maybe because Pioneer's still small and comfortable, I'm not one of those women who is dying to be done.

Pioneer is taking longer periods of rest now. The doctor says three episodes a day of movement is fine. The movements seem stronger in that there seems to be some controlled muscle behind them, but they're also more subtle, probably because Pioneer is running out of room.

Baby
Your baby is about 21.5 inches long from head to toe and weighs a little more than 7 pounds. Toenails and fingernails have grown to tips of toes and fingers. Muscles of your baby's arms and legs are strong, and he's practicing lung movements. Baby's head has dropped into the mother's pelvis if he's head-down, which allows you to breathe a little easier.

Mom-to-Be
You're probably feeling quite large and uncomfortable. Your uterus has filled your pelvis and most of your abdomen, pushing everything else out of the way. Your center of gravity has shifted, so you may be clumsier than usual.

Tip for the Week
Watch for signs of labor, but don't get too obsessed. It could happen soon or still be weeks away. Some differences between false labor and contractions: False labor pains usually concentrate in the lower abdomen and groin, while true labor pains may start in the lower back and may spread through the entire abdomen. Real labor also becomes stronger and more powerful as time passes.


Cheers!
mouse