Dear Friends and Family,
Mr. mouse and I are wrestling with a problem that surfaces every so often. And, we haven't found a good way around it. And, every time it surfaces, it's a doozie. I like to talk through stuff. The more I talk, the better I understand the plan and can manage my expectations. This is how I am. Mr. mouse likes to work through things on his own. The more I bring up the topic, the more he feels like he's being painted into a corner. This is how he is. You can see how this can turn ugly if it's something big. And, this is a big one. It's discussions about Small.
What's the crazy tango we've been dancing the last couple of months? He's always wanted a child. I've never been sold on the idea. I decided I'd be willing to take a leap of faith and go down this journey with him. He doesn't want to because he doesn't feel like it's genuine on my part. I gave him a list of stuff that's important for us to tackle. He's been dawdling on the list because he's feeling stress. I'm out in left field trying to figure out where his head is at. He's avoiding it all and focusing on work. I try to force the conversation. He retreats. I give up and decide I don't care. He gives tiny snippets that reignite my hope. I guess. He doesn't tell me. I guess wrong. He doesn't tell me.
STOP THE MADNESS!!!
I'm so frustrated. And, one of the reasons I'm frustrated is we've been down this path before on other topics. This is a nut we can't seem to crack. And, he knows it. And, I know it. And, we still can't solve for it.
I told him the only thing I want out of this whole damn fiasco is that I'd like Small to be born in the Year of the Mouse. That means we need to be on this path by April 21st at the latest. Seven more ovulation cycles and we've done diddly squat about making any progress towards this goal. This is the hill I'm going to die on. If I can't have this, I'm not going to do this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. If I feel like we've made a decent attempt at this and time just ran out on us then I might be willing to give on it. But, if I feel like we pissed the time away, then no. Then, I'm done. And, with seven cycles left to go, I'm feeling an incredible sense of pressure on this whole thing.
The worst part of all of this is that sometimes I do give up. I decide I don't care. And, then he says something that totally gets me caring again. Like, when I mentioned that they were doing cholesterol screenings at work. I was at a point of whatever on this whole Baby thing. And, I wanted to go in to get my numbers. And, we were weighing dinner options. And, Mr. mouse said, don't worry. I'll be scheduling your annual check up soon anyway. And, you can get your cholesterol measured then. Well, I've wanted to get my annual check up since August. And, there's been some billing snafu with the insurance company that Mr. mouse needs to sort through from his annual check up before I go in for mine. And, guess what, doctor's appointment is #1 on my list of stuff that needs to get done. So, here I am thinking, oh, okay, we're making progress on the list. Is the billing thing sorted out? Who knows. Is my appointment scheduled? Nope. Any signs of progress? I'd only know if we actually could have adult conversations about the damn topic. And, to top it all off, I skipped on the cholesterol test because of his reply.
In summary, here we are. Seven opportunities to go and counting. Frankly, unless we make amazing progress on the list in the next week or two, it's really six and counting. I hope he's happy with how this is all playing out. Because it's oh so much fun wrap your mind into a pretzel and to convince yourself you actually want a child to then have your spouse who's always said he's wanted a child deny you a child.
Cheers!
mouse
PS: If you're wondering what's on the crazy list, here it is. It might be TMI, but I've decided I'm not going to censor my blog. If I can't write about it, it stops being my journal.
Mr. mouse and I are wrestling with a problem that surfaces every so often. And, we haven't found a good way around it. And, every time it surfaces, it's a doozie. I like to talk through stuff. The more I talk, the better I understand the plan and can manage my expectations. This is how I am. Mr. mouse likes to work through things on his own. The more I bring up the topic, the more he feels like he's being painted into a corner. This is how he is. You can see how this can turn ugly if it's something big. And, this is a big one. It's discussions about Small.
What's the crazy tango we've been dancing the last couple of months? He's always wanted a child. I've never been sold on the idea. I decided I'd be willing to take a leap of faith and go down this journey with him. He doesn't want to because he doesn't feel like it's genuine on my part. I gave him a list of stuff that's important for us to tackle. He's been dawdling on the list because he's feeling stress. I'm out in left field trying to figure out where his head is at. He's avoiding it all and focusing on work. I try to force the conversation. He retreats. I give up and decide I don't care. He gives tiny snippets that reignite my hope. I guess. He doesn't tell me. I guess wrong. He doesn't tell me.
STOP THE MADNESS!!!
I'm so frustrated. And, one of the reasons I'm frustrated is we've been down this path before on other topics. This is a nut we can't seem to crack. And, he knows it. And, I know it. And, we still can't solve for it.
I told him the only thing I want out of this whole damn fiasco is that I'd like Small to be born in the Year of the Mouse. That means we need to be on this path by April 21st at the latest. Seven more ovulation cycles and we've done diddly squat about making any progress towards this goal. This is the hill I'm going to die on. If I can't have this, I'm not going to do this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. If I feel like we've made a decent attempt at this and time just ran out on us then I might be willing to give on it. But, if I feel like we pissed the time away, then no. Then, I'm done. And, with seven cycles left to go, I'm feeling an incredible sense of pressure on this whole thing.
The worst part of all of this is that sometimes I do give up. I decide I don't care. And, then he says something that totally gets me caring again. Like, when I mentioned that they were doing cholesterol screenings at work. I was at a point of whatever on this whole Baby thing. And, I wanted to go in to get my numbers. And, we were weighing dinner options. And, Mr. mouse said, don't worry. I'll be scheduling your annual check up soon anyway. And, you can get your cholesterol measured then. Well, I've wanted to get my annual check up since August. And, there's been some billing snafu with the insurance company that Mr. mouse needs to sort through from his annual check up before I go in for mine. And, guess what, doctor's appointment is #1 on my list of stuff that needs to get done. So, here I am thinking, oh, okay, we're making progress on the list. Is the billing thing sorted out? Who knows. Is my appointment scheduled? Nope. Any signs of progress? I'd only know if we actually could have adult conversations about the damn topic. And, to top it all off, I skipped on the cholesterol test because of his reply.
In summary, here we are. Seven opportunities to go and counting. Frankly, unless we make amazing progress on the list in the next week or two, it's really six and counting. I hope he's happy with how this is all playing out. Because it's oh so much fun wrap your mind into a pretzel and to convince yourself you actually want a child to then have your spouse who's always said he's wanted a child deny you a child.
Cheers!
mouse
PS: If you're wondering what's on the crazy list, here it is. It might be TMI, but I've decided I'm not going to censor my blog. If I can't write about it, it stops being my journal.
- doctor's appointment: annual check up
- pick an ob/gyn, schedule appointment
- new vitamin routine/prenatals
- buy books, read up on what to expect
- regular sex life, not this 1-2 times a month thing
- normal work life, manage working late communications
- exercise routine, I own this one
- Weight Watchers maintenance, I own this one
- low refined sugar diet
- conceive by 4/21/08
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1 comment:
It sounds like a very frustrating process. Maybe there's some wierd psychological reasoning. Maybe he wants a child but is afraid of a lot of unknowns. If only he could communicate what is really going on.
On another note...we're VERY excited to see you guys next week in Boston!
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